Peter Kay Jokes

These are some of the corniest, worst gags I've ever heard...but when Peter Kay tells them, I fall about laughing. Anyone else find him funny??

__________________________________________________ _____________________

Peter Kay Jokes

It's all in the delivery, said the midwife to the courier....

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,
I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the
salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

And some more..

The Genius of Peter Kay :
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid
problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him
to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on
with my real ladder.

5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.


7) S@x is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.


8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?


10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give
the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want s@ x? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the
core of the earth

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible
crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion
stars
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at
you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
a
calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a
fire in your back garden.

8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your
teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got
your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their
arm broken by a swan.

19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an
upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood
specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PaulB

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth

---

No. Anything deeper than a certain distance (~8 feet, IIRC) is the property of the government.

Most of that is unoriginal, in particular "Peter Kay's Universal Truths". If that's how he gets his material, my opinion of him has gone down a notch.

It wasn't very high to begin with.

Peter Kay is a Comic genius and the funniest thing to ever come out of Britian without a doubt :D

Phoenix Nights is the best comedy show to come out of Britain since Only Fools.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Anto McC

Peter Kay is a Comic genius and the funniest thing to ever come out of Britian without a doubt :D

---

Here, here! Well said Anto!

Peter Kay is a class act, as well as Nights , the Peter KAy thing is genius, dancers do not make drinkers

His mum is from Northern Ireland and it is sooooooo funny when you hear him imitating her, the way she fusses, sounds just like my mum, he puts the accent on well...:D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Green Tribe

His mum is from Northern Ireland and it is sooooooo funny when you hear him imitating her, the way she fusses, sounds just like my mum, he puts the accent on well...:D

---

Rola Cola cubes - classic