"You have to earn only a little money and you have to be a saint" – The £10m-a-year and serial-sha**er Sven-Goran Eriksson on the criteria for being England manager.
* "I believe we have one of the great, great managers in football" – Bill Kenwright pays tribute to David Moyes after the Scot guided Everton to bottom of the table.
* "We struggled for a striker because we're short on strikers" – Paul Jewell.
* "I doubt he said anything because Beckham doesn't speak Spanish that well. I can barely understand him on the pitch. I don't know why Beckham got sent off. Maybe it's because he's blonde and pretty - the referee is capable of sending him off for that" - Real Madrid's Pablo García on Becks' latest brush with authority.
* "I do not think we would even think about competing with Chelsea. If Chelsea go for a player we are interested in, we are not going to beat them" – Sir Alex Ferguson does his impression of the schoolyard bully who's upset that somebody bigger than him has turned up.
* "We didn't win? We scored two goals - two beautiful goals. We dominated the game - we scored two goals - normally it is a victory. So my answers are a bit difficult" – Jose throws his toys out of the pram after suffering the rude indignity of not winning in the Prem.
* "The surgeon, Tim Graham - a brilliant surgeon - said that after they'd performed the angiogram, showing on a screen how the blood couldn't get through to the heart, that I had three options. 'One,' he said, 'we can use medicine but I can't guarantee that it will be successful. Another one,' he said, 'is where I operate but it will require a triple bypass and it will involve taking out all the veins from your legs.' And all the poor veins have now been taken from my legs — each an average of about eight inches long. 'That,' he said, 'I will guarantee will be a success — all things being equal'. 'However,' he said, 'there is an alternative.' "I said: 'What's that?' He said: 'I could do nothing but you'll be dead in six months.' So there was no option, was there? Was I frightened? Naturally" – Doug Ellis reviews his summer.
* "The penalty, that was my idea, but it wasn't my idea for Robert's leg to go numb" - Thierry Henry.
* "You know why they [Arsenal] took the second penalty like that? They have so many penalties in a season they had to do something different" – Jose’s interpretation of events.
* "I don't call taking a penalty like that taking the p*ss. I call it innovative" - Stuart Pearce proves, once again, that he's not one to moan.
* "I don't know if he's a Bayern fan, but it's possible. To speak about soccer with a Pope has been the most important moment of my life" – Franz Beckenbauer.
* "I would happily teach him not just about winning and playing well, but also about winning respect from people, and that is more important than the titles you win. He has time to learn how to win and how to lose. To earn the respect of the whole world is a different story" – Johan Cruyff sends another greeting to Jose Mourinho.
* "I can be sitting at the traffic lights and imagining myself catching corners" – David James. It's thought to be the only time he does catch corners.
* "What happened at Fenerbahce wasn't premeditated. A Fenerbahce director had called me a cripple nine months before the game. I happened to see his face in the front of the directors' box when we were celebrating and I thought 'I'll show you who's a cripple'" – Graeme Souness explains why he planted a Galatasaray flag in the middle of the Fenerbahce pitch in one of his more conciliatory moments during his spell in Turkey.
* I don’t think there are better coaches than Alain to bring into the club – We’re including this quote from Milan Mandaric for easy Mediawatch references purposes in approximately three weeks’ time.
* "In the first half at Fulham there was a problem with our attitude. We did not approach the game in the right way. It is a problem of the players and the staff, because we need to let them know how important every game is" – Rafa Benitez reveals that his Liverpool side aren't sure what they’re paid to do.
* "I don't regret the move at all. In fact, I haven't thought about Man Utd one bit since coming here. It's been the best move I could have made. I've enjoyed every single day. Even though our results have been bad, I've enjoyed every game" – Who does Phil Neville, of bottom-of-the-table Everton, think he's kidding?
* "Sir Alex was always moaning that he couldn't get the car to do what he wanted. When he did try to talk to it the car just wouldn't listen" - A Daily Star 'source' reports on how Sir Red Face had to return his new £80k Audi 'supercar' because its voice recognition system failed to understand him.
* "We will be able to beat Arsenal's record in England because we have demonstrated that we are superior to them. There is not a team better than Chelsea in the Premiership. In the team which set the unbeaten record, Arsenal had six or seven excellent players that took the field in every match. But Chelsea have 22 excellent players who are capable of winning any match in any combination. The team is like a huge steamroller and in a few minutes we can destroy our rivals. This Chelsea is better and more solid than the best-ever Real Madrid team. At this moment Mourinho could put out two teams with the perfect guarantee of not losing to any club. This is the best team that I have ever known in my sporting life. If we carry on like this we will win the Championship very calmly" – The absolutely extraordinary words of Claude Makelele.
* "After the Portsmouth game, there was steam coming out of my ears. We have a good, honest manager in Steve McClaren, but he is not the finished article yet. You have to learn from your mistakes. I agree with what some fans are saying about our football at home. We played well at Tottenham Hotspur, for instance, and we have to get back to playing two up front. We can change and be more attack-minded, change the way we play and win games. We are less cavalier than we were. We are 2,000 fans down on last year. It's not just television and prices. If people are not being entertained, they are not going to come. We have no right to demand that they come; we have to win them over" – Boro chairman Steve Gibson isn’t amused. Nor entertained by Boro, by the sounds of it.
* "The result was obviously a debacle. For the last half hour we played like little kids" - Schalke 04 coach Ralf Rangnick after his little kids were beaten 6-0 defeat by Eintracht Frankfurt in the German Cup.
* "I still listen to my father. I call him before every game to ask his opinion and his advice. It's not very important for me, because I'm quite adult now, but it's important for him. So I do this favour for him and he advises me very well. 'Alexei, you have to be sharper, get forward, if you have an opportunity you have to shoot' — every detail. And after a game when I call him sometimes I get killed by him and he criticises me like a small child" – Alexi Smertin. Perhaps Papa Smertin is a fan of Schalke?
* "I like good, educated clubs. If Steve McClaren should leave Middlesbrough, they can call me. Southampton are relegated but I can work there also" - Tony 'failed at Wycombe' Adams.
* "I know what it's like to play for 35,000 people. After that it's difficult to get players up, with all respect, for an away game against Boston United" - Big Tone explains the aforementioned failure...
* "When we are on the training pitch nobody can live with him. He is like Eric Cantona and Paul Gascoigne" - Bryan Robson goes a bit over the top about Kanu.
* "When I get home in the afternoon I just like to watch TV. I watch that programme 'Loose Women' and sometimes 'Trisha'" - Rio Ferdinand. Maybe he really did just 'forget' that drugs test because he's stupid.
* "For God's sake, none of this is possible" - A very vehement Carlos Queiroz. Not talking about Rio's TV viewing choice, but you couldn't blame him if he was
