A Few Jokes For The Weekend

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw
a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot
said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the
lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to
her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly
ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store
and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The
store manager replied profusely and promised he would make
sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after
work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."
"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

There was this pub.....
and it was in London when one day an Irish man came in and ordered three pints. Well his pints arrived and he looked at them for a while and then drank all three, got up and went home. The next night the same thing happened, three pints ordered and downed and the man went home.
The barman was a bit put out by all this and decided to have a word with the Irish man. So when he arrived and ordered his three pints the barman says "Listen why don't you just order one pint at a time? Then they will all be fresh when you get them." The Irish man looks at him and says "Well, you see I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the U.S. and we made this arrangement that I would come into the pup at the same time each night and get a pint for all three of us and drink to our good health."
So he continues this for awhile until one night he comes in and orders only two pints, he again looks at them and then drinks them both. The bar man notices this but says nothing until the next night when again only two drinks are ordered. "Listen" he says "I'm very sorry to hear about your brother.""What are you talking about?"says the Irish man."Well I figured as you only ordered two pints that one of your brothers has died.""Not at all" says the Irish man,"actually I've given up the drink."

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'
Flabergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'
The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands'
One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said:
'You must be a GREAT dentist!'
The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'
The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'