Seeing as next Friday is our first home game, I figured that my programme article should ignore the first set of results and be a kinda tongue-in-cheek look at the prospects of our rivals. So I submitted the following over the weekend. Unfortunately, the editor reckons the whole thing is simply too scurrilous to put it in an official club publication. Not just some of it, all of it.
However, once she'd finished laughing, she did suggest I might care to post it online. Enjoy.
Shels: Apparently intent on signing every player available. Crowe and Byrne become insanely jealous of each other, stop talking to one another and refuse to pass to each other. Shels midfield ignores the sulking prima donnas, Houlihan emerges as unlikely top scorer. Church attendance in Ireland experiences an astonishing increase as eircom League fans pray for an early Champions League exit for Shels. Home leg versus Sporting Azerbaijan switched to Lansdowne Road. Three hundred people turn up to snigger as God turns out to be on our side after all. Ollie Byrne sues the Pope for causing loss of earnings. Still manage to win the League though.
Cork: Pat Dolan sacked, Damien Richardson takes over. Rebel Army re-branded as Recalcitrant Personages of Martial Aspect. Team’s pre-match meals switched from local hotel to fish & chips delivered to the dressing-room as Terry Lennox strives to keep running costs down. “City of Culture” goes to their heads and manager’s programme notes are submitted for the Nobel Prize for Literature. Apparently-strong squad struggles to deliver in early season as team battles to understand Rico’s instructions. Miraculous turn-around in fortunes after they sign a Rico-Corkese translator in the July transfer window. Finish 2nd.
Drogheda: Newly-strengthened squad suffers a loss in confidence after Boyne Health & Beauty are unveiled as the club’s new sponsors. Though Simon Webb is secretly delighted, the Louth Ladyboys struggle to assert their masculinity - Tony Bird changes his surname by deed poll to Andguy, dressing-room brawls break out over who’s next to use the shampoo. Concede a worrying string of goals as goalkeeper refuses to handle the ball for fear of chipping a nail. Intimidate opposing teams by threatening to kiss them if they score. This sees them build an impregnable home record and they finish 3rd.
Bohs: Change their nickname from Big Club to Big Debt. Fans take to wearing Burberry sackcloth in solidarity. In a bid to cut back on expenditure, Gareth Farrelly becomes physio, kitman and team bus-driver as well as player-manager. Realises he’s becoming exhausted by over-work when he names Kevin Hunt to man the turnstiles. Pat Dolan takes over as manager in May to ease the burden. Nickname changed to Gypsy Rebel Army - Bohs fans immediately give up on new realism and return to old moaniness. Pat Dolan resigns, citing overly-critical fans. Reinvigorated Gareth Farrelly names a team consisting of just himself and Kevin Hunt, new 2-2-2 formation baffles opponents and Bohs finish 4th.
Waterford: Quiet, inoffensive, mid-table start to the season. RSC becomes eerily devoid of noise. Live matches carry sub-title “Loss of sound is actually happening. Please do not adjust your set.” Twelve-match run of total silence is shattered one night in June as Tom the Gom accuses Pat Dolan of following him. Pat Dolan takes over as manager. Nickname changed to Blue Rebel Army. Fans begin humming “I never felt more like singing the blues”. Pat Dolan resigns, citing uncaring fans. Finish 6th.
Derry: Deducted three points in July after fielding an effigy of Liam Coyle, pulled round the pitch by unemployed greyhounds. Stephen Kenny is scapegoated and sacked. Pat Dolan takes over as manager. Nickname changed to Candystripe Rebel Army (CRA). IRA, Real IRA and Continuity IRA issue statements denying involvement. Sinn Fein challenge DUP to a game of five-a-side to decide who gets to keep the north, match disintegrates into chaos as DUP demands photographic evidence that the ball was over the line. Pat Dolan resigns for the sake of the Peace Process. Finish 7th.
Harps: Pat Dolan offers to take over as manager seeing as he was in the area. Harps board decline gracefully. Harps have biggest home attendance in the League as away fans flock to Ballybofey for a weekend on the rip. North-West Tourism offer to replace eircom as League sponsors. FAI decline gracefully. Harps announce building of new 5000-seater stand for away fans. Record gate receipts fuel spending spree in transfer window, Harps sign Shevchenko and Totti to ensure late-season revival. Finish 8th.
Rovers: Off-the-pitch woes continue, now playing home games in Dalymount. South Dublin County Council offer to finish Tallaght. Rovers board decline, Rovers fans mount boycott of matches in protest. SDCC offer to finish Tallaght AND pay the players‘ wages. Rovers board decline, Rovers players join the boycott. SDCC offer to finish Tallaght, pay the players’ wages AND pay for manager‘s new suits. Rovers board decline, Roddy Collins joins the boycott. Pat Dolan takes over as manager. Nickname changed to Boycott Army, Rovers board join the boycott. Opposition teams cannot get through the boycotting hordes outside Dalymount and forfeit matches for failing to show up. SDCC withdraws all earlier offers, all boycotts terminated. Roddy Collins reinstated as manager, Pat Dolan mounts boycott. Finish 9th.
Longford: Forced to play home League games away from Flancare Park after new clause found in UEFA Licencing regulations, stipulating stadium announcer must speak English. Alan Matthews announces he doesn’t care as he’s concentrating on the Cup. Matthews sacked as a result. Pat Dolan arrives on next train but is disappointed to be told Tom the Gom has been named as manager. Season disintegrates as Tom insists on travelling to check out other teams, even when Longford are playing. Tom is sacked, stadium announcer takes over as manager, finish 10th, beat Dublin City in play-off.
UCD: I don’t even want to think about them. Finish 11th, relegated.
Bray: Not fancied to stay up. Visiting teams take early first half lead in every game in Carlisle Grounds. However, sub-zero temperatures reduce opponents to blocks of ice by half-time. Bray snatch second-half equaliser in every game. Have trouble acclimatising to normal temperatures away from home, lose every away match. Pat Devlin sacked. Pat Dolan takes over as manager. Nickname changed to Superseagull Wavy Navy I Love The Marine Corps Barmy Army. Still finish 12th, relegated.
