2018 - month by month predictions
So, time once again for my predictions for the season ahead. If you’ve had the dubious pleasure of reading previous attempts (and filling in a Mr A questionnaire along the way) you’ll appreciate that doing this on Shrove Tuesday is perfect timing – I can predict with 100% confidence that at least one of these predictions will fall flat as a pancake!
February
- Waterford United are renamed Power City for the new season. Owner Kim Jong Lee hails the start of a Glorious Revolution.
- Peak6 rename Dundalk O’Real Irish Theme Park FC and deny they aim to Americanise the club and flog tacky merchandise to tourists. Shillelaghs and báiníns go on sale in the club shop.
- Despite every club vying to have the fourth highest budget (fact!), foot.ie sees an absence of innuendo, whataboutery and hysteria. For two hours. During a nationwide internet outage.
March
- The FAI dust off Jon Grabby’s report and do some serious marketing. An unfortunate typo in ads on Grindr for ‘Live Cork Action’ produces few new fans but, with Cork winning 3-0, at least one happy ending. The FAI give up.
- Drogheda United riff off manager Tim Clancy’s name with posters for ‘Patriot Games’ before home matches. A bad run sees new posters proclaim a ‘Clear and Present Danger’.
- A reformed Blur support Nigelharps at a Finn Harps benefit gig. The Donegal Democrat prints the club’s PR photos, sending thousands to Specsavers complaining of vision problems.
April
- Limerick Injunction threaten to sue Dahamsta unless the lyrics to ‘Limerick, You’re a Lady’ appear on every page. Dahamsta compromises and replaces Russian Bride adverts with Limerick Brides, but – for maximum irony - only in the Totty threads.
- The Bray board apologise for announcing Johnny Rotten instead of Johnny Ronan as the Carlisle Grounds developer: ‘One was a controversialist, a nihilistic egomaniac punk who broke society as we knew it. The other was a musician.’
- Sean St Ledger is at the centre of a tug of love between Pats, Sligo, Galway and Mrs Sheena Woffington, 52, of Lr Rydham St, Cobh who fancies the ar5e off him but doesn’t want her husband to know.
May
- Sporting a giant ginger afro, Paul Doolin returns to management with Athlone Town. The FAI launch a thatch-fixing investigation.
- The real Power City sue Kim Jong Lee for trademark infringement. He sticks his fingers in his ears and shouts ‘Blaa blaa blaa, I can’t hear you.’
- At Belfield a section of fans sings ‘you’re not sanguine any more’ as the UCD keeper returns to action after a blood injury against Longford. They are outed as Trinity College spies sizing up UCD before their annual Colours thrashing. ‘We blew our cover,’ one says. ‘Nobody in UCD is that clever off the cuff.’
June
- O’Real Irish Theme Park FC sport their new European kit of green Aran sweaters and trousers belted with baling twine.
- Shamrock Rovers field ten players in all their games. ‘Might as well start the way we’re going to finish,’ shrugs Bradser.
- The FAI instruct clubs to replace family areas with ‘zones for problem children’. In protest Bohs rename their ground Dalymount Park for Problem Children, Cobh rename theirs St Colman’s Park for Problem Children; Shels continue to play in Tolka Park for Schooligans.
