DUP runs out of things to condemn

DUP runs out of things to condemn

The Democratic Unionist Party was in turmoil as it was forced to condemn the Yellow-Backed Ridge Squirrel, in order to fill the void left after the party found that it had condemned every last object in the known Universe. Answering accusations that the Yellow-Backed Ridge Squirrel does not in fact exist, Party Deputy Leader Peter Robinson asked "How do you know it doesn't exist. Prove it to me. Ha."

"Lookit," he continued "it was either that or take the step of actually condemning ourselves, so we mandated party members to make stuff up to condemn. We even went as far as to issue a statement damning God's actions over the past 2,000 years as there were no people, places, things, animals, gases, religions, hairstyles, words, shiny objects or songs that the party had not at one point in its history said were unchristian, blasphemous, cynical or venal."

Party Leader Ian Paisley was reported still to be in a coma last night after labelling himself "an enemy of unionism". However Mr Robinson was still condemning imaginary objects and lashed the Double-Winged Mountain Fridge, a device enabling humans to travel through time, a cure for cancer and a full and lasting peace settlement in the North which included the total elimination of punishment beatings and kneecappings.