As the group stages wind up, and we all get more tense thinking about the Italy game, here are some news stories from Euro 2016 you might have missed….
Eleven Irishmen who went missing in Bordeaux on Saturday last around 2pm have turned up safe and well. A spokesman for the group, Mr C Clark (Arthur to his friends) says they are in good spirits and looking forward to not getting lost in Lille, after which they intend to prolong their stay in France and get in another round or two before they go home.
Supt Evan de Beeres and Garda Jin Martini of the Garda Undercover International No Nonsense Enjoyment Support Service have praised the sensible drinking and partying of Irish fans. ‘Hic est sensus qui habet sapientiam,’ Supt de Beeres said, as Garda Martini whooped in agreement waving her handcuffs in the air. (At least, that’s what we presume he meant. Everything after hic hic hic was unintelligible).
In religious news, the nun serenaded by Irish fans has admitted to undergoing a crisis of faith, and flown to Las Vegas to seek spiritual advice from her mentor, Sister Mary Clarence.
Mario Götze has admitted to being more chilled about this tournament than two years ago. ‘The pressure to always perform was hard on a young player, a stiff challenge that affected my mobility. I was only semi committed. Since then, I’ve been more laid.’ (Laid back, surely?)
The Hemsley sisters have boarded the Irish fans’ healthy eating drive after hearing 20,000 chanting ‘quinoa quinoa’. ‘We just love the beardy, angry not at all like Uncle Ben face that goes with the quinoa brand,’ one of the food harpies gushed. ‘Quinoa can do us any time,’ said the other of the indistinguishable sisters, adding desperately, yet optimistically, ‘#foodp0rn?’
And finally, those funsters at the Kremlin got into the Euro 2016 sprit by chipping 20 roubles each into an office match predictions pool. Virile Vlad Putin’s predictions are eerily accurate – it’s almost as if he’s psychic!
