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A bra, a battery, and a set of jump-leads walk into a bar.
The battery and the set of jump-leads take a seat at a table, while the bra goes up to the bar.
The bra says to the barman, "Hi mate, 3 pints please."
"Sorry pal", the barman says, "but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" the bra asks.
"Well, you're off your tits and your friends look like they're going to
start something."
good man Pauro, another of the classic 1998 email jokes doing the rounds...nice one
NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH SIDE OF DUBLIN:
NAME _________________________
NICK-NAME ____________________
GANG NAME ____________________
1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 quid and 90 grammes to Tomo for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 quid a day crack habit?
3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid,to make a 20% profit. How many grammes of strychnine will he need?
4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends 33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus:
How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brothers armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?
SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN:
NAME______________________________________________ _____________
__________________________________________________ _____________
__________________________________________________ ______________
_____________________________(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)
SCHOOL____________________
DADDY'S COMPANY___________
1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?