Corkness, the pinnacle of human endeavour, has always been seen as an unquantifiable quality. conventional wisdom dictated that nobody could describe it, but they knew it, and held it in awe,
when they saw it.
But now, the PRC's re-education commitee, headed by Bin Murphy (aided by Commisar Pudgee Redgee) has developed a series of tests, allowing us to measure the Corkness of each and every existing and potential citizen. It is hoped that this new 'pheen scale' will help not only to weed out
'un-corkonian' elements in the PRC, but also to discover spiritual Corkonians throughout the world and bring them 'home', thus truly making a land of milk, honey and Murphys.
We urge all current and prospective citizens of the PRC to take this test, so the consolidation of Corkness can commence without delay.
Keep it Cork,
People's Republic of Cork Re-education Committee.
Q1. What is the ideal start to the day for a Corkonian?
A) Two mile jog to refresh the senses, followed by a skinny decaf frapppacino and a blueberry muffin, then drive the 200 yards to work in an unneccessarily enormous Sports Utility Vehicle.
B) Stumble straight from bed into nasty little suit and then to work at the IFSC, pausing only to snort a line of coke and make a sleazy comment about the new receptionist's breasts.
C) Fifteen minutes standing in the shower, desparately trying to shake off a dense alcohol fug and cursing God for making it so difficult to smoke and wash yourself at the same time; followed by an enormous mug of Barry's Tea and and a black pudding sandwich, which you finish just in time to
walk out the door and see the bus zooming past you.
Q2. What do you wear in bed?
A) Nothing.
B) Burberry print Pyjama bottoms you got in BT2.
C) Heineken promotional t-shirt you won off some ole doll in Reardens about eight years ago; trackie bottoms with a particularly lurid stain on the groin area, Na Piarsaigh socks in winter.
Q3. Have you ever kissed the Blarney Stone?
A) "Hell yea! It was awesome!"
B) "No, but Roisin in accounts says I have a gifted tongue! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
C) "Jeesus, not a hope boy! They **** on that thing! That's disgusting."
Q4. Watching Cork's recent demolition of Wexford in the All Ireland Hurling Semi
Final, did you feel...
A) Somehow magically connected to your celtic roots.
B) That there was definitely marketing potential in this GAA thing, particularly out in 'the country'.
C) Feckin' brilliant. The Rebels back on top where they belong, now they show those culchie upstarts who's boss round these parts.
Q5. Roy Keane is...
A) "some soccer dude. Manchester, right? Soccer's great, my daughter and her little buddies play it all the time."
B) "A Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer, whose outbursts have
probably cost him a fortune in potential product endorsements.'
C) "That's 'Dr. Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer' to you ******."
Q6. Have you ever had your picture taken with Liam McCarthy or Sam McGuire?
A) "No, but they sound like great guys!"
B) "No, but I had a picture of me with Twink in Lillies Bordello in VIP
magazine."
C) "Yes. In 1984, 1986, 1988, 1990...do you want me to keep going?"
Q7. Who are the most influential group in pop music?
A) The Beach Boys, for their innovative use of
harmony and instrumentation which pretty much formed modern pop music as it is
today.
B) Kraftwerk, for their use of electronics and the understanding that the kinetics of a song are as important as melody, paving the way for electro and techno.
C) Frank and Walters. Cos they're mad.
Q8. What would your ideal holiday destination be?
A) "Grand Canyon in a winnebago with the family."
B) "Well, Jonathon's been raving about the
Maldives, but I prefer Thailand
for the fascinating culture, amazing flora and
cheap sex.
C) "You can't beat me cousin's caravan in Garryvoe
if you get the weather
for it.
Q9. Which of the following items do you collect
obsessively?
A) Baseball cards
B) Pictures of women's feet you secretly take on the DART every morning with your state of the art mobile phone.
C) Sir Henry's tapes.
Q10 (bonus point question) Would you..?
A) "Hell, why not!"
B) "It really depends on the earning potential."
C) "I would yeah!"
Thank you for your time. As the re-education commitee is considering
strike action (due to not paid enough to do all the correcting as well as
setting the questions) we'll let ye do the corrections yerselves.
Let us know if anything pops up:
Mostly A's:You are American. We don't hold this against you
as such, but your overly positive attitude may not fit into our cheerfully
misanthropic utopia. Do not despair however, as an intensive course of
standing in the ****ing rain watching junior hurling, followed by lock-ins
at the city's darkest, smokiest hostelries, should soon knock the can-do
out of you!
Mostly B's: Oh dear, you're a problem case aren't you? I'm
afraid there's no place for your sort around here. Better off to stay in The
Pale where you are now (although we suspect you're not actually from
there, are ya?) Still though, congratulations on knowing an awful lot
about Kraftwerk. Weirdo.
Mostly C's: Dowtcha Boy! Born within the sound of Shandon
bells, Corkness runs through you like the eight pints of Murphys you consume
most nights. The spirit of Frank O' Connor, Christy Ring and Cha and Miah
must have entered you before you were even born. If you already live in
Cork, we urge you to find a similarly Corkified mate and start building
your own little army of John Pauls and Binas without delay. If you do not live in the PRC, please contact us so we can arrange to have you airlifted to your home by the Lee immediately.
