Cascarino's column in The Times
I used to have football365.co.uk for some reason. Now I find myself hooked on its MediaWatch column. This piece on Cas' Times Column is hilarious, and very accurate (originally at http://www.football365.com/features/...y_129739.shtml )
My Life And Times
Other than controlling a football with a maximum of one touch, is there any experience involving the Beautiful Game that Tony Cascarino hasn’t yet experienced at first hand?
This is a question that is surely being considered by a growing number of Times readers. And if they’re not musing over that possibility then it’s probably only because they're wondering if the former Ireland international - who isn't actually Irish in any way - has been using his column in the esteemed organ to simply re-write his autobiography.
For instance, while the rest of the world ponders the motivations behind Beckham's booking on Saturday, Cascarino is quick to put the incident in some sort of historical perspective. Which, rather predictably, starts from his own perspective.
'When he fouled Thatcher it took me back to a hilarious incident playing for Ireland,' he announces this week.
'A team-mate gestured to me to lay the ball off to him but to leave it a bit short...I duly obliged and he went clattering into an opponent earning himself a yellow card. I twigged what he was up to when I realised that he was suspended from the next match four days later in Lithuania.'
Unfortunately, Cazza doesn't clarify what the gesture for 'laying the ball off to a team-mate but leaving it a bit short’ actually is, yet nobody can argue that Cascarino has failed to provide a thorough historical review of the life and times of Tony Cascarino since joining the newspaper in the summer.
Everton's ignorance of the rules (13th September) after Tim Cahill is dismissed at ManCiteh certainly came as no surprise to the big man. 'In 19 years as a player, I was never once handed a rulebook by a club, never took part in a training session that explained some regulations, and was never party to a meeting about the laws. Players, managers, and pundits do not know many of the laws', he reveals, littering his piece with anecdotes, the best of which finds Jack Charlton yelling "you stupid, big *******" at him in an early example of yet more disgraceful discrimination against the big man.
Rather surprisingly, Dwight Yorke’s decision to join Brum rather than Celtic is our man’s subject of choice on 6th September. Coincidentally: 'Having played for Celtic, I can appreciate his position. During my brief spell north of the border...'
Fatally undermined by his chairman’s disclosure that this was to be his final season at Toon, Sir Bobby is a goner (30th August). But it's old hat. That fat bloke at Newcastle is a mere amateur. 'I played for arguably the most notorious chairmen in the game,’ he recalls dismissively, before settling down to regale readers with his personal recollections of Doug Ellis and Kenneth Bates.
With Shaun Wright-Phillips still basking in the afterglow of his goalscoring international debut a few days previously (23rd August), our man steps forward to reveal why 'representing your country can bring life-changing experiences that extend beyond retirement'.
'I remember a bizarre visit to a shop in Bromley to buy a birthday card for my wife. Flicking through the cards, I came across one depicting me winning a header under pressure from Ruud Gullit and Frank Rijkaard.'
No doubt they're both very proud to be on the same picture.
Having offered up two pages worth of copy to detail his mixed experiences in the world of betting ('I know better than the bookmakers. I’m right, they’re wrong. I love gambling') on 27th September, Cazza is in indignant mood on 4th October.
Beginning his piece with a rag-tag that revealed how 'Soccer ace Tony Cascarino sensationally scored with a famous celebrity. Big Cas pounced on the loose stunning blonde at a West End club before he struck home during a night of sleazy, wild sex', he’s also oddly rather coy.
'I chose not to reveal which celebrity I slept with out of respect for her. I'm sure you would like to know who she was. In fact, you would probably love to know. But I’m not telling you, or anyone.'
Which, when it comes to the Tony Cascarino column in The Times, surely is a first.
