Drying time !!

> Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
>
>One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
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>Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
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>He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
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>
>
>Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
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>She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
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>When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
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>she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
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>as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
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>
>
>When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
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>"Edna, I have good news and bad news.
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>The good news is you're being discharged;
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>since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
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>and saving the life of another patient,
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>I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
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>The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved,
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>hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you
>saved him.
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>I am so sorry,
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>but he's dead."
>
>Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place!

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million €uro."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn!

One farmer says to another: "I've bought a flock of cows."
"Herd of cows," points out his mate.
"Of course I f*cking have. I just told you I'd bought a flock of them."

The Wedding Test

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight Miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A man and his wife are walking through Manchester, when the weather worsens.
"Great," says the woman, "it's snowing!"
"Snowing? It's raining" replies her husband. The argument continues till the man spots his friend, Rudolph, who is wearing a United shirt.
"Aah Rudolph, perhaps you can help us. Is it raining or snowing?"
"Why it's raining of course!" came the reply, and he carried on. The man smiled smugly to his wife.
"What are you smirking about,that proves nothing!"
"Yes it does. Because you see, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "that's them". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of them birds in that cageup there," says Gerry, "Put them in a paper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "This looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, this looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'|. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "F**k that, this budgie jumpin' is too ****in' dangerous for me"

======- PART TWO =======
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bejasus that parrotshootin is too dangerous for me."
======- PART THREE =======
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'paper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "F**k me Sean, first their was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, them Seamus parrotshootin and now you f**kin' hen gliding"

Grainne Haloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, 'Dark in here' The man says, 'Yes it is.'Her son says - 'I have a skateboard
Man - 'That's nice.'
Son - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No thanks."
Son - 'My Dad's outside.'
Man - 'How much?'
Son - '$500.00.'

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Son - 'I have a helmet.'
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Son - '$200.00.'
Man - 'Fine.'
A few days later the father says to the boy, 'Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride..
His son says, 'I can't, I sold them.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Son - '$700.00.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again.'