16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see
an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine..
They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap
out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner
with.
