you've probably heard it already but....

[COLOR=darkblue].For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His
father said,
"Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is
80,000 and so there's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the
door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last
night and I

heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell
you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be ****ed if I'm
sticking around
here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no means of
transportation."[/COLOR]

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"

Thank you, thank you...

Classic Irish quotes

"When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd
scored one."
RTE Commentator George Hamilton

"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would."
Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.

"Clap your feet!"
Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?"
Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lake.

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer."
Aer Lingus spokesman.

"Deep down I'm a very shallow person."
Charles Haughey.

"I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it."
Jack Charlton on hurling.

"Outside HIV in Grafton Street."
Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance.


"A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into an allegation that a local garda shot a cow .... There has been no statement from the cow."
Irish press.

"I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo ....
They can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And they deserve it."
John B. Keane. (to true)

Interviewer: Is it not dangerous to sell people knives called Rambo Knives?
Shopkeeper: I wouldn't say so, a lot of them can't spell.

"Ludicrous. Ridiculous."
1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word 'Irish'.

"Get married again."
Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the widows' pension.

Irish Indo after the Gardai raided a massage parlor in Rathmines. This is the arresting Garda's testimony:
"When we entered the premises the defendant was naked and in an aroused state. When asked the reason for his presence at the establishment, he said he was being treated for a GAA injury."

"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to shine so much brighter in order to be noticed."
Bono.

"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough."
Keith Duffy of Boyzone.


Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant: "Hamlet."

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the
teacher
asked for a show of hands from those who could
use the
word
"beautiful"
in the same sentence twice.


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and
she
looked
beautiful
in
it.""Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called
on

little
Michael.
" My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out
beautifully,"he
said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on
little
Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f***ing
beautiful!'"

The Geography of a woman:
>
> Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China
> or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of
> potential but as yet still not free or open.
>
> Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa
> or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild
> and naturally beautiful with bushland around the
> fertile deltas.
>
> Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like
> America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well
> developed and open to trade especially with
> countries with cash or cars.
>
> Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or
> Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own
> beauty.
>
> Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France
> or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed
> during the war but can still be a warm and
> desirable place to visit.
>
> Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia
> or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past
> mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
>
> Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or
> Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are
> practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate
> keeps people away.
>
> Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like
> England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all
> conquering past but alas no future.
>
> After 70, they become like Afghanistan.
> Everyone knows where it is, but there's no f*cking
> way you're going to go there.
>
>

A man walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing  numbers ... like a telephone ... but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The bloke says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the mobile". The bartender says "Prove it!" so the bloke dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief  conversation.

"That's incredible," says the bartender, "I would never have
believed it!"

"Yeah," said the bloke, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my
wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The bloke goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighbourhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The bloke is spread-eagle against the
wall. His trousers are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ar$e.

"Oh my Gosh!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The bloke turns around, and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Cheers
for the sex - now **** off" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur

in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
televised football, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the
screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you."

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be boss of the company.

13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse
for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove females from beaches for violating the
"Public Ugliness" law.

15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. "Fancy a shag?" would be the only chat up line in existence and it
would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 80mph and anyone driving under that
would be fined.

19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
strippers and 2000 per-night brasses for the duration of those
breaks.

20. Saying "Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your
wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!!"

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would own a real Life sabre. Any disagreements would be
settled with a fight to the death. (or the loss of a hand)

23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to
the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get
to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

Dear Girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of

equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2001. Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again !!.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday = Football. Let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't / shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
29. Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman con co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. The ball's in your court. Sincerely,

The Lads

KINGDOM OF IRISH SEX

THE PREPARATION
>
>Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving
>back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional irish aphrodisiac
-
>12 pints of Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one
thing.
>LOVE! Or as he say's himself "a ride". His lust at fever pitch after
the
>sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his
beloved
>wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me
>hole then love?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the
>erotic smell of stale Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking
to
>his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is
expressed
>with the flirtatious reply "Would ye ever **** off!!!".
>
>FOREPLAY
>
>Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of
>the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his
>wife, usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed
>singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go,
here we
>go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8
incher.
>This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
>
>INITIAL PROBLEMS
>
>After 12 pints, sometimes the man's ould Willie Winkie is a
>trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much
>a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful.
She
>will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye
useless
>*******, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman"
>
>DOWN TO BUSINESS
>
>Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
>Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
>decides
>which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his
excitement
>as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature
>ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic
phrase
>"Oh
>****, I've shot me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes
up
>for
>disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments
>such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come
>across. An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the
woman
>likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "****e, arsehole". The

>woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a
>kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they
should
>repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such
as
>"Are you sure it's in?". Given his level of sexual expertise the
Irishman's
>ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked
>orgasm.This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big
Boy".
>Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and
commences
>snoring like a pig.
>There's no one in the world performs quite like an Irishman - a
>veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Wizzard

6. Saturday = Football. Let it be.

---

and Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday!

Little Johnny was sitting down in the park one day, smoking a cigarette. An old man came over and sat down beside him.
"Do you know that if you keep smoking those cigarettes, you'll die a very young man?", said the old man.
"Do you know that my Grandfather lived to be 102?", replied Little Johnny.
"Why, did your Grandfather smoke as well?".
"No", said Johnny, "He knew how to keep his fookin mouth shut!".

The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."


The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. " Just pretend you're statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."


The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you.

The poor country was in a terrible state,
So the Dail rose for a budget debate
It was quite a few moments before Bertie spoke,
And then he said SEX will cost one pound a poke.

Whether you're short, long, fat or thick,
The tax will be paid on the length of your *****.
Emmet Stagg then shouted "Look Bertie dear,
Will this tax apply to the boys who are queer?"

Howlin jumped up and he looked rather glum,
Will I be exempt because I like only bum?"
Ahern replied, and he sounded quite wary,
The tax will be double for those who are fairy."

David Andrews arose to tremendous applause,
Grabbed Liz O'Donnell and ripped off her drawers,
He straddled across her and rode her at will,
And shouted to the assembly "Put that on my bill!"

The debate carried on; Oh what a sight,
McCreevy was ****ing the whole of the night,
The Ceann Comhairle protested "Let the voters decide,
But I think I'd settle for one pound a ride."

So now in the bedrooms of Ireland at night,
There's many a sad, sorry, frustrated sight,
We're taxed on our booze, we're taxed on our smoking,
But we never thought we'd be taxed on our poking.

If one pound a grind is the price we must pay,
The answer is this - with ourselves we must play,
To quench our frustration, we now have to ****,
And for the state of the country we have Bertie to thank.

[COLOR=blue]Johnny goes up to his mammy one day and asks her for a bike. She replys " Sorry Johnny its not even your birthday or Xmas so no you cant have a bike, the best suggestion i can make is write to Jesus and ask him for a bike". So off goes Johnny with his crayons and paper and sits down to write to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, Ive been a really good boy give me a bike love Johnny. Johnny reads it back to himself and realises somethings wrong and crumples up the letter. Then he starts on a new one.... Dear Jesus sometimes im bad but mostly im a good boy gimme a bike love Johnny. He reads it back to himself again and realises that thats wrong too and crumples uo that letter. Next he writes another one saying Dear Jesus im always bad but i mean to be good gimme a bike Love Johnny. Finally he justs gives up and throws all the letters in the bin and heads out for a walk. He see's the OUr Lady in a garden and decides to steal it. Then when he gets home he puts the statue under his pillow and prays to Jesus. Dear Jesus gimme a f**king bike or you'll never see your mother again![/COLOR]

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Schumi


and Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday!

---

yea :D depends who you're playing
for most Sundays or the weekends at nay rate..but of course Thursdays if you're from Dundalk..freeks

at least they'll be back in Div one next year at any rate

Coma
A pregnant woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small
high school in country NSW (Australia). The letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask
in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for
the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a
result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes
your gift especially welcome. My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own
radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though
usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For
some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she
accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many
pieces,and caused her to cry. It was so sad.

Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could
listen to mine. I told her to **** off.

God bless you.

Sincerely,
Edna Johnson

In case you're wondering what prompted the creation of a humour board, it was the gondolas on blessington lake quotation in this thread. Comical. :D

adam