The Adventures of Dundalk Man
hey lads,
this was posted on our messageboard. Not sure if it has made its way to your mb yet... Pretty funny stuff.
Found this on my drive ... Dated 2003. Gas.
Adventures of Dundalk man, continued...........
How the buck are you, and hows it goin der hey. Jus wantin te keep yeh all up ta date on the biggest club in loude - the lilliewides, Dundaaalk. Yes the brilliantist team in the county, we did win the buckin Cup a couple a seasons ago so we did and wore still livin on the glorie.
Last Thursday the buckin hill men from Donegal came to Boriel. No I know youse buckin Drawda lads are always slaggin uz buy sayin der is only one man an his dog ah ha game in boriel. Well yis can stick it up yousser holes cause there were three lads and bout four dogs ah the game, so der. Oh an a couple a hundret hillmen.
Had ta walk to the buckin game dis week cos me licence was takin offa me by the buckin gards (free state hooers). Jus cause I was locked ouh ha me tree drivin home from the game again drawda in Navan. Da bucks me up for goin to the markeh in Fairyhouse dis weekend, buck it I jus got me hands on a loada immataysion man u jerseys. I’m gona be stuck wid dem nooow, cause every oder hooer from Jonesborough will be sellin dem and I’ll be left wid a shed load of the buckin tings. Aah well I’ll jus have ta live on me dole monie dis week. Dem hooers in the Social welfare are givin me a buckin right grillin at the moment abouh how I can afford a car (Capri) and a van (hiace), I told dem ta buck off an mine der own buckin bisness.
Anyway back to de game, we scored earlie on – the buckin place went mental. Now wen I say mental, the oul fellas wore clappin and the dogs was barkin, buh das mental by boriel standards. Den the rest a de lads came in, Paddy, Eamo, Mickey an Mickies liddle bruther. Mickies liddle brudder is jus ouha castlerea jail fur membership of da ‘boys’. He’s a mad liddle hooer even by standards in Muirhevna Mòr. All the lads were buckin raygin da dey missed de goal, de game was on ten minites we wore all tryin to tink of the last goal da we scored in boriel. Next ting we new it was de eitiet eightieiteth 80th minit of de game an dem buckin hillmen equilis eqiluised scored. We wore buckin hoppin mad cos we wore all da deep in taught da we missed de buckin goal.
Dis wos war. Losin too games in a row is not buckin on, so we started a riet. We trun tings a dem buckin hillmen in de stands. Den mickies liddle bruther hopped de fence and started layin inta dem hillmen. Me, paddy, mickey an eamo wore tryin ta hop de fence as well buh are harp (beer) bellies wore getin in de way. I ripped me knew ellesse shell suit and I was raygin. The buckin gards kem flyin in an arrested mickies liddle bruther, that’s buckin justice for you, dem hillmen starhed it and mickies liddle bruther gets arrested, disgraceful.
On the way home we stopped ah Mullen’s chipper, I coudent go in cos I’m barred. Paddy, Mickey an Eamo went in an I waited around de corner. A coupla hillmen came past in Finn Harps jerseys, I taught I was in fur a hiddin, but dey walked past an said howya. I don’t know whas rong with other supporters, if da was me an the lads an one harps lad we’ed a kicked twenty buckin colors a ****e out of him. Some a dee’s other teams don’t have real supporters like uz.
The lads wore buckin ages in the chipper, wen dey came back Paddy gave me me chips. Dey wore covered in a kinda white stuff. Paddy said der was a promotion on in the chipper an dey wore givin away free mayanaise. Doesn’t sound like mullen’s te me, mean hooers. Anyway I ate me chips, buck lovely dey wore, dey lads wore giggling while I was eatin. Paddy kept askin do I spit or swallow, I haddn’t a buckin clue wat he was on abouh so I just laffed. All dis was followed by a night of drinkin in deh Muirheavna Inn, were wud you get it.
Dundaaaalk til I die.
Adventures of Dundalk man, episode 3.
The trip to de big smoke!
Right. It was time for action. Two games intada season and no buckin wins yeh. Last Friday saw us away ta Dublin ****ty, the oney team in the first division wid less supporters dan us. We had to buckin win, but, true to form – we didn’t. Heres the storie of us Dundaalk lads an our trip to de big smoke.
Up earlie today as dem buckin hoores in the social welfare are still buckin askin questions about me Capri an me Hiace an me two holidays a year in Santa Ponsa (or Muirheavna Ponsa as we call it round here). Dey also wanna no how I can afford the luvely stained glass windas in me house an how I can afford to keep the horse I have in de front gardin. I had ta be in der offices for 9 o’clock dis morning, buckin 9am, thats a mad buckin hour for a Dundaalk man to be outhada sack. Jaysus I didin get in til about 4 dis morning as we wore bringin a load a green diesel up to Crossmaglen and cumin back with a trailer fulla sheep. Dem lads from Cross was slaggin us as we wore loadin the sheep, dey kept askin us were we settin up a brothel in Dundalk. It wasn’t buckin funnie, my sister works in a brothel, so comparin her to a sheep was a bit out of order.
Anyway yer won in de Social walfare says I’ll have ta sign off de dole or explain where I’m getting me monie. She said der is an allegaysion of me workin on a stall in Jonesborough market, I tole her ta buck off and da I was self-unemployed. To cut a long storie short der givin me a month to prove how I got all me stuff or der cuttin me dole off. *******s.
After all dah, I was in no mood for the trip ta Dublin. I met de lads (you know dem by now – Paddy, Mickey an Eamo) in the Windsor for a couple a scoops before headin off. Posh buckin place dat Windsor, wouldn’t be my cuppa tea – you know me I’m only cumfortable in a place that has a bit a dried blood on de floor from last nights fight and a fierce smell a **** outhada jacks.
Jumped onto the bus with a coupla slabs a harp to quench the turst on de way to Dublin. Cumin down Tullyesker hill we wore all getting ready for drivin through buckin Drawda. Paddy had spent all morning goin round Ard Easmuinn collectin dog ****, so as soon as we hit Drawda we started trowin it at people on the streets. It was hard to hit people when the bus was movin but we had plenty of success when the bus stoped at traffic lights and we managed to hit a few school children waitin for der school bus. They wore cryin and we wore laffin, yeh can’t beat a bit of craic with de lads. When de **** ran out we starhed moonin out de winda. I’m not jokin yeh, Eamo has the hairiest arse I ever seen, all the hairs are matted together. The bucker must never wash himself, I wash meself once a week with out fail, so der. A bus fulla pensioners on a day trip pulled up beside us and we all dropped the tracksuit bottoms, gas craic, me jaws wore hurtin with the laffin. One man at a pedestrian crossin started roarin abuse at us for what we was doin, he even gave us the finger. Jus goes to prove what I always said, der all scum in Drawda.
After Drawda we broke out de samwitches. Dey didn’t taste to good with our hands covered in dog ****, but never mind. The Harp will kill any bacteria in the ould stomach.
We hit Dublin and straight into the ground. When I say straight into the ground I really mean we had no luck getting inta about four pubs so we bucked off to the match. I’m not jokin yeh I never seen such a **** crowd, even worser than boriel. If it wasn’t for the huge travlin support ( der would have only been about 10 at de game. Anyway I’m not goin to go into detail about de match cause we wore ****e. I have a tearie that that blue **** Anderson is getting paid by the orangies up the north and the scum in Drawda to keep loosin. That way dey can all laff at us.
Bailed out of the ground after the game in de worst a form. Things wore to get worser. The buckin bus driver bucked off without us. He left a note with the steward outside the ground, it said “you can make your own way home, I never had such a bunch of animals and scumbags in my bus before. No wonder you had to hire a bus from Carrickmacross, I have since found out that no bus company in Louth will carry you. You can all **** off and never attempt to ring my company again. p.s. I am keeping your deposit to pay for the cleaning of the dog **** off the seats.” Well that’s the last time I’ll ring that **** to carry us Dundaalk supporters, ungrateful *******.
After that we had to get a bus into de city and get a bus from busaras to Dundaalk. Mickey new were it was cos he was in it last week when his brother was back up in the high court. It was all hours when we got back to dundaalk, all de pubs wore shut. A buckin crap day and a buckin crap result, aah well we should be used to it by now.
See yis next week.
