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So what's every schoolboy's dream? To play in the FA Cup is definitely up there in the top ten. Granted this usually means scoring the winner at Wembley, walking up the magic steps as Captain, shaking hands with the Queen (Err, scratch that one), and of course lifting the cup, taking a good look at it, turning to the end that your fans are situated, giving it a kiss and raising it triumphantly before walking back down for the lap of honour, and to gather as many scarves and stupid hats as one man can wear.
However, as one gets older, realism sets in. In the new dream, you settle for a spot on a first or second division team going on a great cup run and knocking out one of the big guns on the way. Older still and the dream changes again as you're playing for a non-league team and you just want one flirtation with the FA Cup. A story to tell the grandkids, so to speak.
Now let's suppose you're Carl MacAuley, defender for Conference side Southport. It's FA Cup day and you're playing Marine in one of the early rounds. Dream accomplished. You'll be able to cut out the newspaper reports and photos to keep and show future generations of the MacAuley Clan. Not just yet!!!!
And what comes with every dream scenario? That's right, your worst nightmare. How bad could it be? My own biggest fear is the classic situation where you come on as a sub and then get substituted before the end of the match. I think if you ask Carl MacAuley, he'd gladly swap his experience from last Tuesday's Cup match for that one. So how bad could it be? Well, when I read match reports or football interviews, the expression "follow-through" usually refers to a bad or mistimed tackle. And when you hear of a muscle malfunction you presume there must be some kind of hamstring or calf problem. Not so for the lad MacAuley.
It appears the muscle in question was the sphincter muscle, and after 30 minutes a change of shorts resulted from the aforementioned "follow through".
I read a footballers confession before where an unnamed player had a similar incident but was smart enough to feign an injury and get rid of the evidence before his teammates got wind of the situation. Carl MacAuley though, played on and was eventually substituted after 52 minutes following his third "follow through". It brings a new meaning to the three strikes and you're out rule.
At least the manager repaid the player's bravery for playing while suffering from a stomach bug. He explained the situation afterwards: "Carl kept on crapping his pants. He had a bug and followed through three times". Thanks boss!! And what'll happen when MacAuley is seventy years old, with a grandchild on each knee. "Grand-dad, did you ever play in the FA Cup"? Eh, no, I was more of a cricket man myself".
