The Laws of the Game According to Anthony Buttimer
1: If a Dublin City player wins a 50-50 ball against Pats at Richmond Park, he must immediately be punished with a yellow card.
2: When refereeing a Dublin City match at Richmond Park, one must not allow a goal for the away team to stand unless it hits the net (no matter how far over the line the ball manifestly is.)
3: If a Dublin City player wins a 70-30 ball against Pats at Richmond Park, he must immediately be punished with a yellow card.
4: Remember that handball on the goal-line is NOT an offence in such a game, if perpetrated by the home team (whose defenders should also be encouraged to prevent a certain goal by punching the ball away before it can reach an unmarked striker in the penalty area. To make things look good, it is permissible to award a yellow card for this offence, but NOT a red.)
5: If a Dublin City player wins an uncontested ball against Pats at Richmond Park, he need not necessarily be cautioned. But it's still a free-kick.
5: If a St. Patricks Athletic player bundles Cathal O'Connor into the advertising hoardings without touching the ball, there can be no question of awarding a yellow card.
6: It IS however a yellow card offence to point out that Anthony Buttimer is a cowardly **** who should never be allowed near a whistle again unless he becomes a swimming pool attendant (and even then he'd probably blow at the wrong times.)
