Mens' Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules:-
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, you cannot escape this and this applies to both the participation of sport and the watching of sport. There are however a few exceptions to this Saturday Sports rule and they are Ford Sunday Soccer special, Mondays ITV Premiership, Tuesdays and Wednesdays Champions league, the UEFA Cup which is Thursdays and then there is.... oh look just accept it, the reason we watch sport is because it doesn't judge us in the harsh shrill unforgiving penis envied way you do (you are so much like your mother when you do that it's scary!)
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it, preferably if the problem in need of solving requires the use of a hammer, violent brute strength, several cold beers and a couple of our mates. If you want us to listen to your problem and sympathise, don't bother, sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 1 hour, so don't ever bring up what we said 7 years ago which we might remind you was said before you and ever got together and was said by me in an attempt to pull your good looking mate, and yes before you say it I did think of you as a consolation prise that night, still it didn't stop me nailing you and stop you taking me back to your place now did it?
12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions so neither do we.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Lilac is a flower. We have no idea what mauve is, if we did know chances are you would not be our type and we would work in hair dressing.
18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really it is, no trust us ANYTHING is fine.
22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
23. You have enough clothes.
24. You have too many shoes.
25. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
26. Farting is normal, I do it, you do it, even Brad Pitt does it, and yes we do have to fart loudly, that is what we did when we were cave men a ward off the Dinosaurs, if men didn't have a ability to fart loudly the human species would never have got past the Jurassic Period, fact.
27. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the settee tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's just like when we were boys and we went camping.
