Tipp - The Movie!

Rumours have been flying about recently that a new movie is about to be released in Hollywood. "Tipperary, the movie" will hit box offices everywhere from November 1 2001. The film chronicles Tipperary hurling fortunes from 1971 onwards, although there will be an hour long break during the film to accommodate the years between 1973-83 when Tipperary failed to win a single championship match.

Many top actors have signed up to the new film, one of the most notable being Marlon Brando who plays Paul Shelley. Lyle Lovett, who plays Nicholas English is said to be thrilled about his part "The directors told me I'm playing a star who was a hero in 1989 when he was so good he got 2 Galway players sent off".

The film begins with the 1971 Munster Final when Tipperary beat Limerick with Babs Keating's famous dry ball incident. Kevin Spacey, who plays the youthful Babs Keating says "I'm delighted to be playing the part of the barefoot wonder, but why were so many of the extra's eating sandwiches ?".

The next game is the 1971 All-Ireland final when Tipperary beat Kilkenny 5-17 to 5-14. Spacey again playing the part of Babs Keating had to play barefoot in some of the close ups as Keating did in that final. After some minor 1972 footage, the film then takes a 1 hour break for the 10 years of no wins. This allows the eager cinema-goer a chance to go to the popcorn stand for some tin foil wrapped sambo's, mikado biscuits & flasks of cold tea. Unfortunately for Tipperary film viewers though, the prices are not 1972 prices, but today's ones.

The blockbuster then re-starts with Tipperary's 1983 win over Clare at Limerick. Kurt Russell plays the part of the legend-in-his-own-pint-glass Donie O'Connell. Russell sees it as a "big move" to play such a local hero. In a trange twist of fate, Steven Segal plays the part of 1984 Tipp goalkeeper John Sheedy. Segal had to spend 4 weeks of intensive training on blocking down balls going over the bar for opposing forwards to score goals
just like Sheedy did for Sean O'Leary of Cork in the 1984 Munster Final. If anyone has forgotten, Tipp led 3-14 to 2-13 with 4 minutes to go, but Sheedy's errors made it 4-15 to 3-14 for Cork. Segal says "I spent 8 hours a day for 3 weeks doing it before I could even do it badly". What sort of a Turkey was this Sheedy guy ?"

The film reaches a high note when Tipperary win the 1987 Munster final. Kiefer Sutherland who plays Richard Stakelum had to fine tune his accent for that famous line "The famine is over". Sutherland, who had to lose a stone for the film had an intensive diet of ham sandwiches & tea for 3 months prior to filming.

David Jason, who plays Babs Keating the Manager, says "I get to play this very arrogant guy. His team have not won the top prize since 1971, but already on the train to the match over a cup of tea and a kimberley mikado biscuit, he's talking about his team doing 4 in a row". Jason, who had to put on over 2 stone to do the part, reputedly ate a stone of potatoes every day. "I guess bacon & cabbage is part of the Tipperary life" he says.

There is a very sad scene from 1988 where the youthful Tipperary players of John Leahy (played by Russell Crowe) and Declan Ryan (played by Liam Neeson) are crying at the end of the All-Ireland final. "I just don't cry" said Russell Crowe "so they managed to douse my eyes in Tipperary spring water and that made me look sad". Crowe, who looks nothing like Leahy was apparently chosen after his prowess with a sword became evident in Gladiator. "There's a time in the film where I have a bad dream" he said "I take a glass & break it & then I almost rip some guy's face off with the glass" he said.

Neeson took the role, but did not read the small print, whereby he had to put on 5 stone weight between the years chronicled 1988 & 1992. "Declan Ryan is one big man" he said with typical Northern wit. Neeson who has now already lost 2 of the 5 stone in 3 weeks since filming ended, thinks Ryan would do well in the World Wrestling Federation. "He could make a lot of money" said Neeson.

The film reaches an unbearable tension when filming of the 1989 All-Ireland series takes place. Lyle Lovett playing English has to take a few blows as part of a scene where the Galway players flatten him. "Apparently nobody touched him on the day" says Lovett, "but he got those boys sent off and his team brought home the bacon, bacon that was used for sandwiches" said Lovett humorously.

To film the scene at the end of the 1989 final, directors placed a sign outside a Tipperary cinema saying "free willy". Hundreds of local ladies turned up & were disappointed when they found (a) it wasn't a film and (b) there were no males willing to offer a free service. The ladies were then taken by bus to croke park to film the pitch invasion. One local lass Betsy Ryan said "twas a grate thrick, but to be involved in an All-Ireland final was grate"

There's many more incidents to be enjoyed in this film. Take for example Michael Cleary's flukey goal that won the 1991 All-Ireland final. Cleary, played by Tom Cruise is portrayed as a hero, even though Cruise had to receive several blows to the head & let the wounds heal in order to play Cleary's part. McAuley Culkin too had to wear a set of huge mock ears and wildly overgrown false teeth to play George Frend. But one of the best scenes is at the end of the 1997 All-Ireland final when Russell Crowe, playing John Leahy has a chance to win the game for Tipperary but lashes the ball at the Clare keeper. "I'm the only Tipp man invited to Anthony Daly's wedding" says Crowe"as I gave Clare 2 presents that year, a Munster & All-Ireland final".

Obviously, Crowe has done a lot of research for this role. The last scene filmed is Tipperary winning the 2001 All-Ireland final. They destroy all before them to take the title. In what could land the directors in hot water though, the pitch invasion is taken from a battle charge in Braveheart. Those who remain on the terraces & stand all throw their sandwiches into the air. "It's tinged with tragedy though" says Russell Crowe (John Leahy) "One poor man is so overcome with emotion, he throws his flask up in the air instead of his sandwiches. The flask lands on his wife hospitalising her. This could be the springboard for a Sequel though". Tipperary: The movie will be available in cinema's from November 1st.