A selection of jokes from mouldymurphy

[mouldymurphy]

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN....

Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ho-ho's
'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going
to drink that much again'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a
bar.

[mouldymurphy]

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and IrishRail:

Gentlemen, I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter.


Dear Sir, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only
mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Iarnrod Eireann.


Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David,
9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That,
gentlemen,is something I have not been able to do on your train in the
last two years.

Yours truly,
A Commuter.

[mouldymurphy]

CUCKOO

Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night out with the
boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down
easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed
3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence
of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next
morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one! Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it
cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and
started giggling."

[mouldymurphy]

Things to do in an elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a floor button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."