Jokes

[A face]

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
"G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

He says "Strewth Sheila.....
Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.

*****************************************

There's an Scotsman, Irishman & Englishman all talking about their
teenage daughters.

The Scotsman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Irishman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Englishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

*****************************************

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."

*****************************************

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they
left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"It's your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.

Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

*****************************************

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving
that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb.blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously,Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[De Town]

All good jokes their face!!!

[harry crumb]

A doctor speaks to the patient "I've some good news and some bad news"

"The bad news is that we are going to have to amputate both your legs. The good news is that the guy in the bed next door wants your slippers"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to the doctor.
"Its my penis doctor" "But when you look you must promise not to laugh"

"Of course I wont laugh" "Now remove your pants please"
So your man took off his pants. The doctor took one look at his dick and burst out laughing. "thats the smallest, tinniest penis I have ever seen. I didnt know a penis could be so small. So tell me what's the problem"

"Its swollen"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor - "Ive some very bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient - "Well at least I don't have cancer"
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3 old men are talking about their health-problems.
The 70 year old said "My problem is I wake up every morning at 7 and it takes me 20 minutes to pee"
The 80 year old said "My problem is I get up at 8 and it takes me at least half an hour to get any bowel movement"
The 90 year old says "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight a crap like a cow."

"So whats your problem?"

"I don't wake up till nine!"

[eoinh]

Why did the Mushroom go to the party?


Cause hes a fungi! :o

[harry crumb]

Get off the stage

[sligoman]

Q. What do you call two sleep walking nuns?

A. Roman Catholics :D (if your slow think of it like this Roaming Catholics).

This one is funny but at the same time not right:

Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

A. Nothing, you've already told her twice. :o

[green goblin]

Q) How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A) None. It should be open when she brings it to you.


....Sorry :o :o

[eoinh]

A palaeontologist finds evidence of a dinosaur living in the South
> American rain forest. He campaigns several universities, and succeeds in
> getting a research grant to fund the expedition. Several weeks into the
> trek, the party stumble across a 3 foot pygmy standing near the body of a
> 300 foot dinosaur.
>
> The scientist approaches the pygmy and exclaims: "Dear Lord! Did you kill
> this dinosaur?"
> "Yep!" replied the pygmy.
> "But it's so big and you're so small." remarked the scientist.
> "Yeah.... Well observed," said the pygmy.
> "How on earth did you kill it?" asked the scientist.
> "With my club." said the pygmy.
> "How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
> The pygmy replied: "Well, there are about 200 hundred of us."
>

[harry crumb]

What do you call a woman who knows were her husband is every night?

A widow.

[Babysis]

----
>> > Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
>> > Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
>> > "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
>> > "It's true, no bull!"
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
>> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
>> > One says, "I've lost my electron."
>> > The other says, "Are you sure?"
>> > The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Answer-phone message
>> > "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before
>> >
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
>> > is there anything you can do for him? "
>> > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>> > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>> > Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>> > "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>> > "No, because he's really heavy"
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
>> > people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>> > It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
>> > Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>> > But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>> > find any.
>> > -----------------------------------------------------
>> > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
>> > that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
>> > 'no, the steaks are too high.'
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
>> > a strong currant.
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>> > He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>> > The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
>>in
>> > the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
>> > kayak and heat it too.
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?"
>> > asks the doc.
>> > "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
>> > "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
>> > "Like a glove."
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>> > A fsh
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
>> > One turns to the other and says "dam"
>> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > Two fish are in a tank
>> > One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
>> > ---------------------------------------------------

[harry crumb]

What do u call 150 white guys chasinga black guy?

The PGA tour.



Its terrible i know

[Babysis]

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
:D

[eoinh]

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said,
"The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'" Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."

[eoinh]

f(x)= 3x(squared) + 2 walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions

[eoinh]

last maths joke for today, i swear

A calculus professor died after a fatal car accident.
Moral of the story? Never drink and derive.

[Peadar]

last maths joke for today, i swear.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He had to work it out with a calculator!

[Ruairi]

What's yellow and sticky and smells like bananas?

Monkey vomit

[Risteard]

A banana.
Whats brown and sticky?

[fosterdollar]

When it comes to binary numbers there are 10 types of people; those who understand them and those who don't.

[the 12 th man]

this guy having dinner in a posh retaurant when he starts to choke on something.
he falls to the floor clutching his throat.by chance two filthy dirty tramps were looking in the window and burst into the restaurant to help

the first tramp drops his pants and the second tramp starts kissing his dirty butt.
the guy on the floor who is choking immediately vomits at the sight thus clearing the blockage in his throat.

the tramps are getting congratulated for their deed and when asked how they thought to do it replied :"sure everybody's heard of the hind- lick manouver"



,

[green goblin]

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Statistics prove that compared to the last government, the bulb is on average 15% brighter.

How many US Marines does it take to break a lightbulb?
None. It fell down the stairs.

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to go on about how good the old one was.

[Babysis]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. :D :D :D

[Sheridan]

f(x)= 3x(squared) + 2 walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions
On a similar note:

Times New Roman walks into a bar.
Barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type in here."

[inexile]

why any time a homeless person asks you for money for a cup of tea, you never get that tea?

[green goblin]

We spend as much on food in a week as a family in the 3rd world does in a year. Which just goes to show how much we're being overcharged for our groceries.

[inexile]

jimmy carr fan green goblin? am i right

[green goblin]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. :D :D :D

On a similar vein, a slab of asphalt walks into a bar and says "I'm the hardest road there is! I'll fight any other road!"
Just then some red tarmac comes in, and the asphalt gets his head down and avoids eye contact until the tarmac has left.
"I thought you said you were hard"? says the barman.
"I am", replies the asphalt. "But that guy's a cyclepath"!.

[green goblin]

jimmy carr fan green goblin? am i right

... actually it was a bloke at work. Still, guilty as charged. :o

[fosterdollar]

Now that you mention it a similar incident happened like so...

An M&M walks into a bar and says "I'm the hardest sweet there is! I'll fight any other sweet!"
Just then a Polo Mint comes in, and the M&M gets his head down and avoids eye contact until the Polo Mint has left.
"I thought you said you were hard"? says the barman.
"I am", replies the asphalt. "But that guy's menthol"!.

[fosterdollar]

... actually it was a bloke at work. Still, guilty as charged. :o
You work with Jimmy Carr :eek: ;)

[harry crumb]

A man is standing next to a woman in the lobby of a hotel. The man turns around and his elbow hits in to the lady's left breast.

He says "I'm so sorry, but, if your heart is soft like your breast then I'm sure you will forgive me"

She replies "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 213"

[Ruairi]

jimmy carr is the king of the one liners.. his live dvd is the funniest thing i've seen in donkeys..in fact my sig is a jimmy carr quote...

and some more

my friend who's 6 months pregnant asked me if i wanted to feel th baby...[very, very long pause]... on reflection I think she meant on the outside

[on ths subject of michael jackson]... all i'm saying is, if i was a billionaire paedophile, I'd definately have a fairground out my back garden...

the reason i don't use Vodafone products is that they claim to be the world's largest mobile community... now, correct me if i'm wrong, but that's the gypsies

sting is always boasting about 8 hour sex marathons with his wife. imagine how long he'd be able to go if she was a looker...

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

[inexile]

whats brown and has a machine gun? a tough sh1t
whats pink and fluffy? pink fluff
whats blue and fluffy ? pink fluff holing its breath

sorry!! im off

[Risteard]

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick

[fosterdollar]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "i was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a
kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She
said, 'You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

I looked at her and replied, 'How 'bout a little head?'"

[strangeirish]

Subject: Breaking News

Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in the West Tallaght area of Dublin.

Gardaí advised earlier today that three of the four have already been detained. The District Garda Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have all been arrested on immigration issues.

The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member : Bin Workin, in the area. Gardaí are however, confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be extremely easy to spot in the community.
:D :D :D

[carrickharp]

Michael Caine is holding a party in his house.

Everyone who is anyone is there-top stars from the film world and pop world.

Mick Jagger & David Bowie are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch puffing, whilst Peter Cook and Dudley Moore are exchanging original insults.

All is going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night.

"0i Jim" objects Michael Caine, "party's only just started, hows about I get one of the girls to take you into the bed room for a pleasuring"?

"Great" says Jim "but she has to do the rest of the band too"

"Not a problem Jim" smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird close and whispers instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young girl is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr "Allright love?" He says "dont suppose you want to do the same to me"?

The young woman smiles and gets to work unzipping his flies.

Ringo is having a great time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Micheal Caine bursts in. He grabs the young girl by the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

"What was that for?" she whimpers

"I told you" Caine snarls "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off"

[strangeirish]

You get an e-mail and you check the internet and you do all you can to check if what has just landed is true and then you wonder if you were had.


You know the song, the Hokey Cokey… apparently it was written by a fella called Larry La Prise.


I got a note about him from a normally reliable source last week which read:


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed recently.


Larry La Prise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at age 93.


The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.You see, they put his left leg in… and then the trouble started.

[Ruairi]

In a shock move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned
down a move to North East underdogs Newcastle United.

A fee of 8 million pounds was agreed for the former Manchester United man
but Beckham was reported to have said there was no way he could leave Real for Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to Thailand, Sri Lanka and the surrounding area.

[sligoman]

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls must of died."

[sligoman]

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.

May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch.

May his pipe never smoke, may his teapot be broke
And to add to the joke, may his kettle ne’er boil,
May he keep to the bed till the hour that he’s dead,
May he always be fed on hogwash and boiled oil,
May he swell with the gout, may his grinders fall out,
May he roll howl and shout with the horrid toothache,
May the temples wear horns, and the toes many corns,
Of the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty’s drake.

May his spade never dig may his sow never pig
May each hair on his wig be well thrashed with a flail
May his door have no latch, may his house have no thatch,
May his turkey not hatch, may the rats eat his meat
May every old fairy, from Cork to Dunleary,
Dip him snug and airy in river or lake,
Where the eel and the trout may feed on the snout
Of the monster that murdered Neill Flaherty’s drake

[sligoman]

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me......
I'm claiming disability!!!!!"
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You Might be a Leprechaun if.......

You snicker uncontrollably all the way through "Darby O'Gill And The Little People."

Your record collection is stocked only with very short artists, Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.

When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!)

In your cupboard there is nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.

Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.

You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.

You've been under a rock for the past few years.

You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)

You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do."

When you eat good food, you say it is "magically delicious,".

And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:

You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!
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Irish Jokes - One liners

'Excuse me,' said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. 'But there's a sausage on the floor.'

'Don't worry,' said he, 'I've got me foot on it!'


----------

Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'

And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'


-----------

'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'


----------

'What's that you're taking, Mick?' asked Jim McGee. ' Tis the secret of a good night out,' replied Mick. 'It's a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky but if you don't click who cares!'


----------

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

'Spread out in a bunch.


----------

'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.

I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.


-----------

'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'


-----------

As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.

'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'


----------

'How did you get on today?' inquired the golf pro of Mick McCann.

'Well, to tell you the truth I didn't play my normal game - but then I never do!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.

"Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well.

I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister, several times!"
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There is loads more but that is enough for now, hope you enjoyed them all :D

[sligoman]

Final one, look:
http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/15631.html

[liam88]

A man is walking along the street when he notices another man with a pinapple for a head......he goes up to him "sorry I can't help noticing you have a pineapple for a head?
"yep"
"why is that?"
"well one day I found a lamp, gave it a rub and got three wishes-I asked for a million euro"
"and did you get it?"
"yep"
"what next?"
"i asked for a date with Anna Kournikova"
"wow what happened?"
"I got it and it was brilliant"
"Wow i bet it was! What was your last wish"
"Isn't it obvious-I wished i had a pineapple for a head!"

:D :D

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff........

[SÓC]

Two sausages are in a frying pan


Sausage1: Its hot in here isnt it?

Sausage2: Ahhhh jesus a talking sausage

[eoinh]

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child - well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.

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Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people

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I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

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You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

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I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork.............

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[Babysis]

In a shock move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned
down a move to North East underdogs Newcastle United.
A fee of 8 million was agreed for the former Manchester United man but
Beckham was reported to have said there was no way he could leave Real for
Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to Thailand and the surrounding area.

[the 12 th man]

two spanish firefighting brothers--- jose (hose a) & josb (hose b)

[sparkey]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

The Morale:
There are teachers, and then there are educators.




A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, OK?". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do You want for breakfast, young man?!". "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"

[fosterdollar]

The FAI