Jokes

[the 12 th man]

"new" speed limits

[sligoman]

I have heard a few about the tsunami but it would'nt be right to post them

[sligoman]

In a shock move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned
down a move to North East underdogs Newcastle United.
A fee of 8 million was agreed for the former Manchester United man but
Beckham was reported to have said there was no way he could leave Real for
Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to Thailand and the surrounding area.

Yes we have all heard this one as this was the joke Rodney Marsh was sacked from sky for :rolleyes:

[green goblin]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I didn't!"

[Babysis]

Found this, might amuse people as its friday

http://www.evelcow.com/

[fosterdollar]

Poly Unsaturated

[fosterdollar]

What a talent (http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.html)

Beware, uses sound

[fosterdollar]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no
previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in
complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a
steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to
lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around
the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband
as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and
is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has
a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse,
but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the
horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is
slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the
store and unplugs the horse

[sligoman]

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say somthing smart?

A. When she begins her sentence with:a man once told me
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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".
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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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At the 2002 World Women's conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up "At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.

The second speaker, from France, stood up
"After last years conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".

Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.

The third speaker, from Scotland stood up "After last year's conference ah went home and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye"
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3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

[Partizan]

Whats green & red and hangs from a tree?

A gorilla's snot.

[Closed Account 2]

Rumours about Wenger signing Robbie Fowler are finally put to bed when Arsenal sell off the shirt they had specially made for him (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=62942&item=5163085644&rd=1).