Eminence Grise
21/02/2015, 7:30 PM
Seeing as how I did so spectacularly well... badly four years ago (http://foot.ie/threads/147872-How-the-2011-league-will-unfold?p=1457511&viewfull=1#post1457511), and licked my wounds in the meantime, I thought it’s time to give this Mystic Mug thing another go. So...
The 2015 League
March
Portacabinteely FC reject claims their time in the league will be a short one.
Termonbarry Alberts sign Robbie Keane. Robbie says: ‘I’ve always wanted to play here. I’ve been a big fan since.... Ah, f*** it, it’s one last chance for a big pay-off.’
Bray Unknowns produce evidence that every penny the club has ever received, including players’ communion money, has been properly spent and accounted for. The Revenue Commissioners accept the evidence, which is handwritten by Buddhist monks on antique silk scrolls.
April
The LEDP unveils a papier mâché model of the €1,500,000 Markets Field development. Measuring 3 feet by two, Limerick fans worry when they realise the scale is 1:1.
The FAI amends its rulebook to allow dead Council members attend its AGM and vote for John Delaney’s proposals. ‘Sure look at the lads on Council,’ laughs Delaney. ‘You can’t tell the difference between them and the undead.’
Bray Unknowns merge with the Revenue Commissioners to form Bray RC. A Revenue spokesman says: ‘knowing how wisely and honestly they spent public money over the years, we might as well have the use of the gold-plated taps and the heated seats in the Bray loos.’
May
Danny Invincible is elected President of FIFA when it becomes clear that he is the only person alive who has read the rule book.
John Delaney announces a new TV deal for the league. For five seasons, the Angelus will show a three-second clip of a player or manager staring meditatively into space. This will replace live games and highlights.
Termonbarry Alberts sign Stephanie Roche to play alongside Robbie Keane. The club makes a fortune selling replicas of her Ballon d’Or frock to transvestites in Longford.
June
Players audition to be the Angelus Football Guy. Nutsy’s training techniques are called into question as the Shamrock Rovers squad are ruled out for squinting up in the air all the time.
Journalists who ask John Delaney difficult questions are sent for reprogram--, ahem, media training, organised by Delaney’s stunningly attractive, talented and thoroughly professional PR girlfriend.
Galway United ask Michael Twee Higgins for financial help. Michael Twee writes a poem. With a rare fairy-tale twist, the magical poem sends anybody who hears it to sleep. Galway pipe a recording into the away dressing room and win every home match.
July
Roddy Collins turns down the chance to be the Angelus Football Guy. In a rare moment of humility, he admits to being unable to keep quiet for three seconds at a time.
While waiting for the proper football to restart, Irish journalists calculate that if all the promised seats in a redeveloped Brandywell were installed, the capacity would be over 200,000. They laugh merrily at this hilarious groupthink and think they’re very clever.
Looking to strengthen their defence for European competition, Dundalk sign The Doc. Instead of Sean St Ledger, they get some bloke. Stephen Kenny ruefully considers that at least The Doc talks a good game, which is one up on SSL.
The 2015 League
March
Portacabinteely FC reject claims their time in the league will be a short one.
Termonbarry Alberts sign Robbie Keane. Robbie says: ‘I’ve always wanted to play here. I’ve been a big fan since.... Ah, f*** it, it’s one last chance for a big pay-off.’
Bray Unknowns produce evidence that every penny the club has ever received, including players’ communion money, has been properly spent and accounted for. The Revenue Commissioners accept the evidence, which is handwritten by Buddhist monks on antique silk scrolls.
April
The LEDP unveils a papier mâché model of the €1,500,000 Markets Field development. Measuring 3 feet by two, Limerick fans worry when they realise the scale is 1:1.
The FAI amends its rulebook to allow dead Council members attend its AGM and vote for John Delaney’s proposals. ‘Sure look at the lads on Council,’ laughs Delaney. ‘You can’t tell the difference between them and the undead.’
Bray Unknowns merge with the Revenue Commissioners to form Bray RC. A Revenue spokesman says: ‘knowing how wisely and honestly they spent public money over the years, we might as well have the use of the gold-plated taps and the heated seats in the Bray loos.’
May
Danny Invincible is elected President of FIFA when it becomes clear that he is the only person alive who has read the rule book.
John Delaney announces a new TV deal for the league. For five seasons, the Angelus will show a three-second clip of a player or manager staring meditatively into space. This will replace live games and highlights.
Termonbarry Alberts sign Stephanie Roche to play alongside Robbie Keane. The club makes a fortune selling replicas of her Ballon d’Or frock to transvestites in Longford.
June
Players audition to be the Angelus Football Guy. Nutsy’s training techniques are called into question as the Shamrock Rovers squad are ruled out for squinting up in the air all the time.
Journalists who ask John Delaney difficult questions are sent for reprogram--, ahem, media training, organised by Delaney’s stunningly attractive, talented and thoroughly professional PR girlfriend.
Galway United ask Michael Twee Higgins for financial help. Michael Twee writes a poem. With a rare fairy-tale twist, the magical poem sends anybody who hears it to sleep. Galway pipe a recording into the away dressing room and win every home match.
July
Roddy Collins turns down the chance to be the Angelus Football Guy. In a rare moment of humility, he admits to being unable to keep quiet for three seconds at a time.
While waiting for the proper football to restart, Irish journalists calculate that if all the promised seats in a redeveloped Brandywell were installed, the capacity would be over 200,000. They laugh merrily at this hilarious groupthink and think they’re very clever.
Looking to strengthen their defence for European competition, Dundalk sign The Doc. Instead of Sean St Ledger, they get some bloke. Stephen Kenny ruefully considers that at least The Doc talks a good game, which is one up on SSL.