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Macy
30/08/2001, 10:52 AM
MOD NOTE: This thread contains some smutty and/or slightly dodgy jokes. We try to keep the truly offensive stuff out - and dole out infractions for same - but humour is objective and if you're of a senstive nature you may be offended by some jokes and shouldn't continue. Of course there's nothing stopping you starting a clean jokes thread if that's the case, but nobody's had the brains to do that yet. Which probably says something in and of itself.



Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of liverpool players on them and people couldn''t figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What''s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead liverpool fan in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do you have when 100 liverpool fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do liverpool fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. You''re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a liverpool fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the liverpool fan - twice.

Q. What''s the difference between the liverpool goalie and Pamela Anderson?
A. Pamela''s only got two tits in front of her.

A Manc bloke is having a noisy drink in a bar, leans over to the big guy next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a liverpool joke?"
The big guy replies: "Well, mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I''m from liverpool, six feet tall, 105 kgs and I played as a forward for them since I was twelve. The guy sitting next to me is 6"2",weighs 115 kgs and he''s also an ex liverpool player. Next to him is a bloke who''s 6"5", weighs 120kgs and he''s a current player.Now, do you stillwant to tell
that liverpool joke?"
The Manc guy replies: "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three ****in'' times."

Pauro 76
30/08/2001, 1:43 PM
Anyone got any Manc jokes????
Man United - PRIDE OF SINGAPORE!

Xlex
03/09/2001, 12:40 PM
> A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a
>severe
> > engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such
> > that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours
>of
> > swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy
> > shores.Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of
>miles
> > from home,he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found
> > himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the
>beach,
> > another survivor from the crash.
> >
> > He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives
>her
> > the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As
>she
> > wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is............It's
> > Jennifer Lopez.
> >
> > Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an
>immediate
> > bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they
> > fall madly in love.
> >
> > One day Jennifer is walking down the beach and notices her new found
>love
> > sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of
> > sorrow on his face. Feeling there's something wrong, she wanders over
>to
> > him, and asks what is wrong.
> >
> > "Jennifer. The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
>We've
> > found this Island paradise. We have all the food and water we could
> > require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something
> > missing."
> >
> > Jennifer replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
> > anything".
> > "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
> >
> > "OK"
> >
> > "And my trousers?"
> >
> > "OK"
> >
> > At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from theground, and
>draws
> > a neat moustache on her lips.
> >
> > "OK....... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off
>the
> > other way and meet you half way."
> >
> > "OK dear, what ever will make you happy."
> >
> > So off they set. After half an hour walking he eventually sees her
>heading
> > towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
> > running up to her and grabbing her by the shoulders. He then
> > shouts............
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > * ..........."Mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!!!!"

Macy
03/09/2001, 2:03 PM
>A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's
>pulled over by the Police.
>
>The police officer approaches him and asks : "Have you been drinking
Sir?"
>
>"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
>
>"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
>
>It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me
suspicious."

Citymark
03/09/2001, 2:08 PM
Q. Why do Scots men wear kilts???
A. Because sheep have cotton on'd to the sound of a zip!!

Xlex
03/09/2001, 2:11 PM
Also when the neighbour catches you, it's easier to run with a kilt around your neck than it is run with your trousers around your ankles..........

Xlex
03/09/2001, 2:54 PM
Privilages of a moderator! jumping Citymark like that

daithi
20/09/2001, 10:42 AM
Ian Paisley gets accidentally cyrogenically frozen for 50 years.

When he wakes up, the first question from his big, angry
mouth is "What the hell happened?".

His doctor comes over and says "Good afternoon Mr. Paisley You have been
cryogenically frozen for 50 years, and I have good news and bad news for
you."

To which Iain replies "Whats the bad news?"

"Well," says the doc, "Ireland invaded England 25 years ago, Gerry Adams is
Prime Minister, and Dana has been crowned Queen."

"Good ****e!" cries Iain. "Whats the GOOD news?"

"Rangers beat Celtic last night" says his doc, with a smile.

Iain sits back and smiles. "What was the score?"

His doc turns to him and says "Three goals and twelve points to One goal and
sixteen points".

James
20/09/2001, 10:52 AM
and that one certainly is old
havent heard that for 4 or 5 years:D

Réiteoir
20/09/2001, 12:30 PM
Love that joke!!! :D

Here's another Paisley joke, as old as the ages...

I was walking down Belfast High Street last Saturday, and who should I see in the distance, Ian Paisley, standing there with a bike in his hands, above his head.

I went up to Paisley and asked him:

"Dr Paisley, why have you got that bicycle above your head?"

To which Paisley replies at the top of his voice:

"I'M HOLDING A RALEIGH!!""

The old ones are always the best...

James
20/09/2001, 2:32 PM
ok so not to be outdone, another classic

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work
in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists
spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that
writes in 0 gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to over 300C.



The Russians used a pencil.

James
21/09/2001, 11:01 AM
continuing the thread of old jokes
this one from rebel


A great style of investing!!!!

1 year ago if you had bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock you would
currently have $60.00.

If you had bought $1,000 worth of beer in the USA (where cans have a
return
value) you would currently have $79 worth of EMPTY beer cans.

Sell Equities. Buy Beer

pete
21/09/2001, 11:59 AM
Plagerism! Typical student! :D

You should have included the publish date etc... ;)

James
21/09/2001, 12:10 PM
how can it be plagerism if I included the source of my material?

James
21/09/2001, 5:05 PM
> > > > We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Here's to
> > > >achieving 103%
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Here's a little math that might prove helpful
> > > > in the future! What makes life 100% ??
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > IF,
> > > >
> > > > A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
> > > > 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Then,
> > > >
> > > > H A R D W O R K
> > > > 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > K N O W L E D G E
> > > > 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > But,
> > > >
> > > > A T T I T U D E
> > > > 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > However,
> > > >
> > > > B U L L S H I T
> > > > 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

pete
21/09/2001, 5:41 PM
AHEM?

source?

James
21/09/2001, 5:53 PM
yea sry source UCC jokes list
thats an old one pete

Pauro 76
01/10/2001, 7:43 PM
OH OSAMA BIN LADEN

YOU SON OF A BITCH

MAY YOUR BALLS DEVELOP

A 7 YEAR ITCH

MAY YOUR PECKER BE TWISTED

IN SUCH A MANNER

THAT YOUR ******* WHISTLES

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER



GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!!!!!!!!!!

Pauro 76
01/10/2001, 7:43 PM
thats A*S*S*H*O*L*E* by the way....

A face
02/10/2001, 4:42 PM
Concerned at the state of the world, Paddy decides on trying to get an audience with the Pope. He flies to Rome and on arriving at the Vatican he knocks on the huge door of the Pope's residence. When the door is answered by a polite young priest Paddy asks, "Is himself in?". Paddy is told that the Pope does not grant audiences with just anybody and to please go home. Undeterred, Paddy returns day-after-day only to be told that the Pope will not see him. Finally the exasperated priest drags Paddy inside the door with a furtive glance left and right before shutting it behind him. The priest throws Paddy against the wall and grabbing him by the lapels says "Look, Mr Irishman, the reason that the Pope cannot see you is because he is dead. We cannot tell as we have no successor and we don't panic in the Catholic world. Now, please go away and don't tell a soul"

Thrown back onto the street, Paddy takes a flight home disappointed that he can't see the Pope. By the time the plane lands in Cork airport, Paddy has a plan. He takes a taxi to the nearest betting office and asks for odds on having the Pope announced dead in the next week. The man behind the counter offers 100/1 and Paddy promptly puts his life's savings down. On the way home he stops for a pint and can't help bragging to his mate Murphy about his dead cert. "What don't you do the same, we can't lose!".

2 days later the Pope is announced dead and Paddy walks, whistling, to the betting office. He hands in his stub and receives a huge wad of money, some £250,000. On the way out he sees his friend Murphy, weeping in the gutter. "What happened boy, he died and we're loaded" said Paddy. Murphy looks up with tears in his eyes, "I went for a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury!!!!!!"

dahamsta
09/10/2001, 5:27 PM
Never heard this one before meself...

A couple of lads from Cavan are out hunting for pheasants or something in the woods in a remote region between Cavan and Longford when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Well, the other fella doesn't know what to do, but he has a moment of inspiration, and he whips out his mobile phone and he rings RTE.

He gasps to the operator in Montrose and he tries to explain the situation as best he can, and says: "Please put me through to Joe Duffy on 'Liveline'
as fast as ye can."

So the operator puts him through, and he starts blabbing away to Joe Duffy: "Joe, Joe, ye have to help me, I don't know what to do! Me best friend is
dead! What can I do?"

Then Joe, in a very calm and soothing voice, says: "OK caller, just take it easy. I can help. First, let's just make absolutely sure he's dead."

... There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The lad's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK Joe, now what?"

gustavo
18/12/2001, 4:40 PM
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the
bell
for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The
driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the
bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the
electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants
him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over
there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that banana?" The executioner
gives
the man his banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished,
the
executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts
through
the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner
can't
believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner,
"that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his
job
back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to
go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is
killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric
chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to
the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the
chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that
banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The
executioner sighs
and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and
the
executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair
blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there
smiling
in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well,
would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again
he
rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three
of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all
the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The
man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the
executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that banana out of your
packed
lunch." The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all,
skin
included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion
volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there
alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't
understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin.
"It's something to do with that banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."

gustavo
18/12/2001, 4:45 PM
A woman came home just in time to find her husband
>> > >> > in bed with
>> > >> > another woman. With superhuman strength borne of
>> > >> > fury, she dragged
>> > >> > her husband down the stairs to the garage and put
>> > >> > his penis in a
>> > >> > vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
>> > >> > handle.
>> > >> > Next she picked up a hacksaw.
>> > >> >
>> > >> > The husband terrified screamed,
>> > >> > "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?
>> > >> >
>> > >> > The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said,
>> > >> > "Nope. You are.
>> > >> > I'm going to set the garage on fire

Citymark
19/12/2001, 12:16 PM
Q. What do you call a homosexual dinasour?
A. Megasorearse!

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinasour?
A. Melickalotofpuss

Q. What do you call a paediofile dinasour?
A. BARNEY!!!

A face
19/12/2001, 12:57 PM
Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today,
the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to
clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month. *When filled with illusion, I
wrote you my letter. *I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of *roller blades and a
football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. *Not
only was I the first in my class, but I had the best
grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to
you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that
behaved better than me, with my parents, my *brothers,
my friends and *with my neighbours. *I would go on
errands and even *helped the elderly *cross the road.
There was virtually nothing within reach that I would
not do for humanity.
What sort of balls do you have leaving me a f ucking
yo-yo, a poxy whistle and a pair of f ucking socks.
What the f uck were you thinking, you fat f ucking son
of *a b itch. *You've taken me for a sucker the whole
f ucking year to come *out with this f ucking s hit that
I found under the tree.
As if you hadn't' f ucked me enough, you gave that
little p rick across the *road so many toys he cant
even walk into his house. *The little c unt *didn't
know what to play with first. *I soon fixed that for
the little f ucking *f aggot. *Please don't **let me see
you trying to get your *big fat f ucking a rse down my
chimney next year. *I'll f uck you up, I'll
stick the *biggest f ucking pitchfork I can find right
up your hole. *I'll throw*rocks at your f ucking
reindeers and scare them away to f uck, then
you can f ucking walk home you b ollix, just like I have
to walk since I didn't get *the f ucking bike I asked
for.


F UCK YOU SANTA,

LITTLE JOHNNY.

Gunthers Mask
19/12/2001, 7:24 PM
Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
A woman won't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy!!

A face
20/12/2001, 11:38 AM
FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director...
To: All staff
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the staff Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a trad jazz band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the
CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a
non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate
this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't
be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party
-
the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for a
doggy
bag take-home kit in little foil containers. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the
dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the loos. Did I miss
anything?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. OK???

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition,
folks, like those pumpkins at Halloween or green pints on Paddy's Day or
family
feuds during the Christmas Top of the Pops, or broken hearts on Valentine's
Day.
Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? Vee bloody gans? That's it I've had it with the whole lot
of
you!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
you
like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill
of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including organic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream
right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting HR Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
rest home. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy
Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas

Ash
20/05/2005, 12:02 PM
Sky Sports are aggressively expanding their portfolio, and have just acquired
the rights to the world origami championships. Fans without premium channels
are, however, up in arms

Sadly it's pay-per-view

Boom Boom! :p

paul_oshea
20/05/2005, 12:05 PM
i dont get whats funny about that.

Peadar
20/05/2005, 12:11 PM
i dont get whats funny about that.

origami = paper folding
Pay per view = word play on "paper" view

Paul = Sap! :D

paul_oshea
20/05/2005, 12:12 PM
ya as i say i dont see whats funny

patsh
20/05/2005, 1:00 PM
A SUNDAY league football team is so desperate for players that one Sunday they are forced to play with a chicken in their team. Surprisingly, the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next putting in a perfect cross.At half time all the team mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.On the way the ref starts chatting to the chicken. `Great first half mate.'Thanks,' replies the chicken, `I try to keep myself fit. It's difficult finding time, but I do an hour in the gym each morning before work.`What do you do?' asks the ref.`I'm a chartered accountant,' comes the reply. At which point the referee brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team mates gather round and start complaining to the referee.`Sorry lads, says the referee, `I had no choice. Professional fowl.'

carrickharp
20/05/2005, 2:30 PM
Cracker:D

Ash
20/05/2005, 2:44 PM
When my grandmother was 60 she started walking five miles a day.
She turned 97 today, and we have no idea where she is?

Boom Boom!

Macy
20/05/2005, 2:45 PM
If this carries on I'll be dishing out warnings.... :eek: :D

Ash
20/05/2005, 2:48 PM
Just got sent this .....

A kid goes into his mother in the kitchen and asks her for the scouring pad.
Then he puts it on the floor and starts jumping up and down on it.
His mother asks "What are you doing?"

He says "Is this the way to harm a brillo?"

Peadar
20/05/2005, 2:49 PM
The boss was in quandry - he had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. But it was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the following day with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went over to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her: "Debra," he said, "I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack-off?" she said. "I feel like shít this morning!"

An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. Entering the examination room, the doctor says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Q. What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde?
A. A bottle blonde doing cartwheels!

Q. Why don't Dublin girls talk when having sex?
A. Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.

strangeirish
20/05/2005, 2:55 PM
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."



Bada boom bada bing

Green Tribe
20/05/2005, 4:24 PM
1. Take taxi from your place to Glasgow
Airport.

2. Get flight to London Heathrow Airport.

3. Catch American Airlines flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth
Airport.

4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South"
follow for 0.2 miles.

6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles

7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -
follow for 2.9 miles

8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2
miles

9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0
miles

12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8
miles

15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles

17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now THAT is the way to f*cking Amarillo...

:o

paul_oshea
20/05/2005, 4:33 PM
reporter to gordan strachan after a match:

"gordon any chance of a quick word?!"

"velocity"

and off gordon goes. legend.

this lad is walking up in belfast when all of a sudden he is grabbed from behind and shoved up against the wall. teh man pulls out a gun and says to him,
"what religioin are ye?"
"what?"
"what religion are ye?"
"jewish, im jewsih"

"well i must be the luckiest fooken muslim in belfast today" and bang :o

Green Tribe
20/05/2005, 4:39 PM
reporter to gordan strachan after a match:

"gordon any chance of a quick word?!"

"velocity"

and off gordon goes. legend.

this lad is walking up in belfast when all of a sudden he is grabbed from behind and shoved up against the wall. teh man pulls out a gun and says to him,
"what religioin are ye?"
"what?"
"what religion are ye?"
"jewish, im jewsih"

"well i must be the luckiest fooken muslim in belfast today" and bang :o

already heard!!! :D

Babysis
20/05/2005, 4:40 PM
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to
the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee
down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes
in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!,
WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.
It Works Every Time!!!

paul_oshea
20/05/2005, 4:46 PM
already heard!!!

ya so was yours!!!! and it was crap.

at least mine was half funny. :D

Green Tribe
20/05/2005, 4:49 PM
ya so was yours!!!! and it was crap.

at least mine was half funny. :D

it is the terrible joke thread remember, so mine was good...... :p

nice one babysis!! have not heard that one

paul_oshea
20/05/2005, 4:52 PM
What's black and white & blows bubbles?


Michael Jackson!


whats pink and fluffly?

pink fluff!

whats blue and fluffly?

pink fluffy holding its breath


what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?

ruberto!

whats brown and sticky???

what did tarzan say when he saw jane with an elephant go up the hill?

"oh look theres jan going up the hill with an elephant!" classic.


whats the difference between michael jackson and frankie detorri?

i know ye have all heard it:

frakie has a license to rider two year olds.

Closed Account 2
20/05/2005, 7:33 PM
whats smelly, steaming and comes from cows ?

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The Isle of Wight ferry.
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(If I'd typed Cowes it would have been obvious).

aido_b
20/05/2005, 8:21 PM
What d ya call a sleepy dinosaur??
A tyranasnoreus!

Two oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other, you're round!

What was the last thing that Hitler said to his men before they got into their tanks?
Men, get into your tanks!

Whats white and if it fell outta a tree it'd kill ya?
A fridge!

Does anyone know where the Dublin altzeimers centre is?

did ya hear about the red sauce chasing the brown sauce?
it couldnt ketchup

What do u call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

I am so so sorry! :D

p.s. if anyone took offence to the above jokes i apologise!

paul_oshea
20/05/2005, 8:26 PM
some classics there!!!

strangeirish
20/05/2005, 10:19 PM
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
:o

tiktok
20/05/2005, 10:47 PM
A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'.
So the barman gave her one.