Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[CollegeTillIDie]

tres bien! :D
You're my new wee pal.... :D

[Green Tribe]

You're my new wee pal.... :D

:D Was a good 'un!

[aido_b]

Anyone hear about the seven dwarfs in the bath?


They were feeling happy so happy got out!




.... two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff ..... :D

[liam88]

Why did the Lone Ranger fall off his horse.........













Someone hit him with a fridge :D :D

[Plastic Paddy]

Why did the Lone Ranger fall off his horse.........


Someone hit him with a fridge :D :D

:confused: PP

[Stevo Da Gull]

Why did the Lone Ranger fall off his horse.........

Someone hit him with a fridge :D :D

Reminds me of the jokes: Why did the plane crash? - Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Why did timmy fall off the swing? - Because he had no arms
Why did'nt timmy get back on the swing? - Because he had no legs

(kinda offensive)

[liam88]

Reminds me of the jokes: Why did the plane crash? - Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Why did timmy fall off the swing? - Because he had no arms
Why did'nt timmy get back on the swing? - Because he had no legs

(kinda offensive)

Offensive mabyhe but i'm wetting myself laughing!! :D

Did you here the one about the magic tractor?





It drove down the lane and turned into a field!!!! :D

[liam88]

What about the man who drowned in a bowl of musli?




































Pulled under by a strong current!!!! :D :D Oh yes!

[hamish]

Kerryman sits on a bun and got electrocuted - current ran up his @rse.

[liam88]

Kerryman sits on a bun and got electrocuted - current ran up his @rse.
High five :D

[Green Tribe]

What about the man who drowned in a bowl of musli?

Pulled under by a strong current!!!! :D :D Oh yes!

Police are also said to be searching for a CEREAL killer.......... :D

[aido_b]

Police are also said to be searching for a CEREAL killer.......... :D

Jaysus KT you're really milking that joke!

[Green Tribe]

Jaysus KT you're really milking that joke!

:eek: I've had me Weetabix today! :o

[CollegeTillIDie]

:eek: I've had me Weetabix today! :o
... Oh then whatever you say is fine by me your highness :D

[Green Tribe]

... Oh then whatever you say is fine by me your highness :D

:D :D

The Queen misplaced her wig whilst out walking the mutts, Police are combing the area surrounding the Palace...... :o

Coat, taxi!!!!!!!

I hear these from my brother :eek:

[TheOwl]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[De Town]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
your coat is by the door.......

[TheOwl]

your coat is by the door.......

But I love me puns and wordplay.....

What do you call a terrorist that's just come back from Ibiza?

All summer been largin'

++

DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas...

LUKE:
NO, Father!

DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas....

LUKE:
NO, Father......how could you know?


DARTH VADER:
I have felt your presents!

[TheOwl]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[sligoman]

A man escapes from prison where he has been locked away for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants some "satisfaction", don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, he thought you were cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too." :D

[hamish]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

LOL :D :D

[Ash]

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogog ogoch,
they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said,
"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

Boom Boom!

[strangeirish]

Classroom scene and the teacher decides to have a spelling contest for the childrens ;)

"Johnny, spell apple for me and put it in a sentence"

"A-p-p-l-e.....and you are the best teacher, and I'll bring you an apple in the morning"

"Mary, spell orange for me and put it in a sentence"
"O-r-a-n-g-e....and you are the best teacher, and I'll bring you an orange in the morning"

"Buckwheat, how about spelling a word for the class"
"Okays teacha, dictate.....D-i-c-t-a-t-e....dats gud,huh teacha!?"

"Very good Buckwheat, now put it in a sentence"
"Sho 'nuff, teacha, Yo Mary, how'd dat dic-tate last night?" :D

[aido_b]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

:D

[Green Tribe]

very good aido....... :D

[boysingreen]

For those who've never heard of him.. Bobby Knight is a college basketball coach in the US. He's a legend, won't take any **** type, hell of a temper, and a winner. Flung a chair across the court once at the referee. Anyhow..

In one post-game interview, when asked what he thought of his team's execution... he said he was in favor of it.

[hamish]

This is very un PC...

New lady teacher in school, first day in class.
"Now, boys and girls, we'll tackle the alphabet - can anyone tell me a word starting with the letter A?"
Little goodie two shoes Mary pipes up, "Apple", Miss.
Teacher: "Very good, Mary - what is an apple?"
Little Mary: "It's a fruit, Miss, it grows on a tree".
Teacher: "Very good Mary - anyone else got an A word?"
Archie, class gurrier: "Ar$e, Miss".
Teacher: "That's very rude, Archie - now, can anyone tell me a word beginning with B?"
Nerdy Nigel: "Balloon, Miss - you blow it up and use it at parties".
Teacher: "Excellent Nigel - anyone got another B word?"
Archie: "B0llix, Miss".
Teacher: "Archie, I told you to stop giving vulgar words".
Teacher: "Let's try C - any words?"
Studious Sarah: "Car, Miss - a vehicle to drive in".
Teacher: "Very, very good - anyone else?"
Archie: "Cnut", Miss...it's a......."
Teacher: "Archie, Final warning, no more bad language - now, let's try D".
Mary, again: "Damsel - an old fashioned word for a girl or lady".
Teacher: "Wonderful, Mary - any other D words?"
Archie: "Miss, Miss, I have a great D word"
Teacher: "Archie, you're in big trouble if it's rude".
Archie: "No, Miss - dwarf - that word starts with D"
Teacher: "Now, that's much better Archie, and what is a dwarf, Archie?"
Archie: "It's a little cnut with a big ar$e and a small b0llix".

[sligoman]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."






The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[sligoman]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "What is the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good, " said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,and the moral of the story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Joanna. Aunt Jo was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun then ran out of bullets.Then she killed twenty more with the machete til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens, " said the horrified teacher "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fcuk away from Aunt Jo when she's been drinking."

[hamish]

Fair play Sligoman - two brilliant jokes - loved the punchline in that cowboy joke - a big LOL :D :D :D :D :D

[sligoman]

Hey Hamish, did ya see this (http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=27672) Take a look!

[Aldini98]

1. Beauty salons up and down the country are worried about a drop in
turnover now that the metropolitan police are doing brazilians for
nothing.


2. The metropolitan police has also arrested a bus load of thalidomide
muslims in London yesterday, on small arms charges.


I'll get my coat

[hamish]

Hey Hamish, did ya see this (http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=27672) Take a look!

LOL - great stuff Sligoman - you're spoiling me. BUT, this nicey nicey atmosphere between Athlone and Rovers fans just HAS to stop. We're supposed to take the p!ss out of each other. LOL :D

Ah, fcuk it - keep the good jokes coming. :D

[hamish]

2. The metropolitan police has also arrested a bus load of thalidomide
muslims in London yesterday, on small arms charges.


LOL :D :D

What's brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red white???

David Dickinson having a wnak. :eek:

[Green Tribe]

LOL

What's brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red white???

David Dickinson having a wnak. :eek:

:eek: :eek: :D

[aido_b]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

:D

[strangeirish]

:D Thats gas.....er no pun intended :D

[hamish]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

:D

aido b - the flash cartoon of that is on the Mediapickle website - I think. :D

[hamish]

Young lad behind a shop counter reading an adult magazine and has his schlong in his hand.
Anjolie Jolie walks into the shop to his astonishment.
Young lad, embarrassed, quickly puts his schlong into the till
Jolie says: "You look surprised"
Lad: "No, no, I,I, I, I'm so happy"
Jolie: "Why's that?"
Lad: "I've just come into money" :D

[sligoman]

An American, a Japanese and an Irishman are in a sauna. A beeping noise goes off and the American presses his arm and the bleep stops, he then says "oh, thats my pager, I've had a chip installed in my arm". Then a few minutes later a phone rings and the Japanese man puts his palm to his ear and says "that was just my phone, I had a microchip installed". Then the Irishman, not to be outdone, goes to the bathroom and comes back with toilet paper hanging from his arse and says " Oh bejaysus( :eek: ) look at that, I'm getting a fax" :D

[hamish]

An American, a Japanese and an Irishman are in a sauna. A beeping noise goes off and the American presses his arm and the bleep stops, he then says "oh, thats my pager, I've had a chip installed in my arm". Then a few minutes later a phone rings and the Japanese man puts his palm to his ear and says "that was just my phone, I had a microchip installed". Then the Irishman, not to be outdone, goes to the bathroom and comes back with toilet paper hanging from his arse and says " Oh bejaysus( :eek: ) look at that, I'm getting a fax"


Take a bow Sligoman :D :D :D LOL

[sligoman]

Take a bow Sligoman :D :D :D LOL

*Takes a bow for sirhamish*

:D

[hamish]

She was only the admiral's daughter but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.

She was only the undertakers daughter but she knew how to handle a stiff.

She was only the baker's daughter but could she though? - that might be a bit regional. :D

Getting coat. :D

[strangeirish]

Earl and Bubba

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger,
Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads" "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?,"
said Earl.
Well they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
& put the labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached
the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and
Bubba's on the Patch."

[Aldini98]

Two gay cowboys talking.....

"Yup"

"Yep"

[hamish]

Earl and Bubba

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger,
Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads" "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?,"
said Earl.
Well they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
& put the labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached
the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and
Bubba's on the Patch."

:D :D
You reminded me of a report in The Connacht Tribune in the 1980s where a Garda chased two auld lads near Ahascragh. At some stage they managed to jump out of their car and into a deep roadside ditch.
When the guard asked them what they were doing down there - one auld lad replied, "Makin' love".

True story. :D

PS - I said hello to that garda (now retired) in Dunlo Street, Beeslow just a couple of hours ago.

[strangeirish]

:You reminded me of a report in The Connacht Tribune in the 1980s where a Garda chased two auld lads near Ahascragh. At some stage they managed to jump out of their car and into a deep roadside ditch.
When the guard asked them what they were doing down there - one auld lad replied, "Makin' love".

True story. :

PS - I said hello to that garda (now retired) in Dunlo Street, Beeslow just a couple of hours ago.

:eek: :eek: Did he remember you!? :D :D :D

[strangeirish]

Onions and Christmas Trees


A family is sitting around the supper table. The son
asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there
are three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts
are like melons,
round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are
like pears, still
nice but Hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the
daughter said, "Mum,
how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her
husband and
answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three
phases. In a man's
twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and
forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties,
it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there
for decoration
only!
:D

[hamish]

:eek: :eek: Did he remember you!?

Why, oh why, do I keep leaving myself open to these replies. :eek:

NO, strangeirish, it wasn't me he remembered 'cos I wasn't involved.

Jesus :p

[strangeirish]

Why, oh why, do I keep leaving myself open to these replies. :eek:

NO, strangeirish, it wasn't me he remembered 'cos I wasn't involved.

Jesus :p
You throw 'em up brother and I'll have to keep hittin' them :D Of course, you wouldn't expect anything less ;)