Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

http://i.imgur.com/Uritt8k.jpg

[Eminence Grise]

2093

DIY joke. Insert on tap/ tap that punchline.

[Roberto]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

[nigel-harps1954]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10712886_717741141629111_1065539944630896771_n.jpg ?oh=49dc44df0614337e5daea25ffe976b9d&oe=54C277E6&__gda__=1421569391_9d62b85970391db47e8e40cbe48d5a2 7

[OwlsFan]

Oscar Pistorius was going to replace his bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

[nigel-harps1954]

https://scontent-b-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10346278_10152512790896243_6459627070520268531_n.j pg?oh=346b7d736c97e60b611ae7e36d0939d7&oe=54D1C797

[Spudulika]

I was appalled to see Vladimir Putin and Sepp Blatter sitting next to each other at the World Cup final. Football should not allow a corrupt dictator who rigs elections to attend such a prestigious event.

Even if he is the president of FIFA.

[Real ale Madrid]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wAEFtUO1e4

[nigel-harps1954]

Just been to the gym and there's this new machine there.
I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick but it's great, it's got kitkats, mars bars, crisps, everything!

[Siberian]

Oldham have said no to Chad Evans but he's taking it as a yes

[Real ale Madrid]

I love this.

http://youtu.be/GEPAcwdfDPc

[OwlsFan]

Two guys sitting in a bar chatting. One guy says: 'Did you ever notice how easy it is to say one thing when you mean another?' 'How do you mean'?, asks the other guy.

'Well, just the other day, in the train station, I asked for two tickets for Titsberg instead of Pittsburg.'

'Yeah, I know exactly what you mean,' says the other guy. 'I was having breakfast with my wife yesterday and I meant to say ''Pass the sugar'' but what came out was: ''Hey b*tch, you ruined my life.''

[osarusan]

http://i.imgur.com/TfACbsw.jpg

[OwlsFan]

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds: "The blind man."
After a few moments of hesitation, the nun says, "Ok, come in."
The man enters, looks at sister in the bath and says, "Nice tits, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

[DeLorean]

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

[SkStu]

Police Officer: Sorry to interrupt you at home sir but we have some bad news. It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.

Guy: Yeah, I know, but she has a brilliant personality.

[OwlsFan]

Robert Mugabe gets the sack. Bookies have installed Big Sam mentioned as the favourite.

[OwlsFan]

The latest one doing the rounds:

[Eminence Grise]

He's the spitting image of Jamie Carragher...

[OwlsFan]

What did the horse say to the one legged jockey when they met for the first time ? "How are you gettin' on?"

[Siberian]

My German girlfriend has begun grading my sexual performances from 1-10. Last night we tried anal during which she started shouting Nine, Nine, Nine. My best score to date!!!!;)

[A N Mouse]

My missus has been flat out forwarding all the Boris memes.

Had to tell ask her to stop sending me this al piffel.

[peadar1987]

You can't just expect to be cremated. You have to urn it.