Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Lev Yashin]

I've just tried to woo a girl at the bus stop, but she wasn't interested.Obviously not a fan of Ric Flair.

[Real ale Madrid]

After signing his contract for Stoke City, Jonathan Woodgate has been ruled out for 10 weeks with a wrist injury

[Mr A]

http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f119/Bondvillain/lego.jpg

[SkStu]

Doctors had offered Victoria Beckham gas and air when giving birth to Harper Seven, but she declined.
She wasn't that hungry apparently.

[SkStu]

What kind of a ridiculous name is that that Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy have given their son, "Bing"?

My son Google p!ssed himself laughing when I told him.

[Mr A]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/C4comic.png

[BonnieShels]

Was this not posted before?

[SkStu]

yes it was.

[Mr A]

http://420.thrashbarg.net/going-back-in-time-back-to-the-future-repost.jpg

[SkStu]

Missus said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?" I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She replied, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst w@nking?"

[Stevo Da Gull]

http://omg.wthax.org/clarke.png

[SkStu]

http://i52.tinypic.com/33yi24g.jpg

[SkStu]

Amy Winehouse, died at 27
Janis Joplin, died at 27
Jim Morrison, died at 27
Jimi Hendrix, died at 27
Kurt Cobain, died at 27

Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021.

Patience,my friends.

[pineapple stu]

Some random pics off the internet -

http://www.biglolz.com/images/1311045836-52373.jpg

http://www.biglolz.com/images/1311045673-97399.jpg

http://www.biglolz.com/images/1311045659-32316.jpg

[pineapple stu]

http://www.biglolz.com/images/1311045561-22775.jpg

http://www.biglolz.com/images/1311045230-59367.jpg

http://www.biglolz.com/images/1311044914-87314.jpg

[Real ale Madrid]

Rupert and James Murdoch are quoted as saying they are very touched by messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

[cornflakes]

George Best and Alex Higgins can't believe that heaven is getting a winehouse!

[Deckydee]

I really don't get karaoke, I just don't see the point of it.

I mean, if I want to see a hopeless drunk murder an Amy Winehouse song, I'll go to an Amy Winehouse gig.

[John83]

I really don't get karaoke, I just don't see the point of it.

I mean, if I want to see a hopeless drunk murder an Amy Winehouse song, I'll go to an Amy Winehouse gig.
Your joke died last weekend. Jokes about her death are currently in.

[horton]

A foreigners guide to Ireland

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland , but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money.The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

[Deckydee]

My lesbian neighbours must be loaded.

They told me that they eat out every night

[Bray-Z]

I used to love coming onto this page. Then I discovered Sickipedia for myself.

[BonnieShels]

Whatever could you mean...

What's the difference between looks and personality?

You can't w**k over a personality

[nigel-harps1954]

So my phone battery died. Walking along, my girlfriends phone rings. Hands me the phone and says "It's your dad". I took one look and said "man this isn't my dad...it's a phone!" So I walked on laughing at my girlfriends stupidity.

[osarusan]

http://static.someecards.com/someecards/images/feed_assets/4e02c1e8650ff.jpg

[SkStu]

http://lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/6529.jpg

[SkStu]

http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/koma-comic-strip-harry-sees-her-trollin.jpg

[Lev Yashin]

What do you get when you cross a polar bear with an Eton schoolboy?

A polar bear.

[Mr A]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/190913_700b.jpg

[SkStu]

what is wrong with this pic I hear you say... :D :D

http://www.frikipix.com/web/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/frikipix_wrong_way_helmet_girl.jpg

[BonnieShels]

Nice.

[SkStu]

http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/283379_10150341872876807_684086806_9672528_884023_ n.jpg

[Deckydee]

I dont see anything.

EDIT: Actually now I do!

Right click and select 'Save Target As' and that should give you a hint!!!

[SkStu]

http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/koma-comic-strip-by-the-time-it-takes-you-to-scroll.jpg

[Lev Yashin]

How do you lose weight on the Adam Ant diet??

Don't chew ever, Don't chew ever.....

[BonnieShels]

Thanks. That's Prince Charming in my head for the day.

[Trainee]

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the **** out."

[Trainee]

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

[thischarmingman]

Came back home last night to find my mate crouched in his cupboard. I asked 'What are you doing in there?'

He replied 'Narnia business.'

===

My girlfriend left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

===

I just saw 2 guys get into a fist fight over whether Macbeth or Hamlet is the best Shakespeare play.

I thought it was much ado about nothing to be honest.

[Lev Yashin]

My girlfriend bet me I couldn't make a car out of spagetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

[John83]

Came back home last night to find my mate crouched in his cupboard. I asked 'What are you doing in there?'

He replied 'Narnia business.'
That joke only works with an Ulster accent.

[nigel-harps1954]

That joke only works with an Ulster accent.

Ulster accent, thats a very broad spectrum..

I suppose my superb reply won't work either...need to speak in a Leinster accent..

[John83]

Ulster accent, thats a very broad spectrum..

I suppose my superb reply won't work either...need to speak in a Leinster accent..
I'd speak broadly of Ulster touchiness, but that might not go down too well.

[osarusan]

I suppose my superb reply won't work either...need to speak in a Leinster accent..Did you want to tell him to 'fock off'?

[osarusan]

http://omg.wthax.org/2010.jpg

[SkStu]

Little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ****ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Lev Yashin]

The New York chief of police says he'll never forget 9/11.
I would hope not seeing as it's his phone number.

[thischarmingman]

September 11th seems like just yesterday to me.

[Stevo Da Gull]

Never have unprotected phone sex. You could end up with hearing aids.

[horton]

Paddy Doherty went today to donate his Big Brother winnings to his favourite charity, only to be told they don't accept travellers cheques.