Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[padjoe]

Q. Whats the biggest Drawback of the jungle?
A. An elephants foreskin...

[carrickharp]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard confronts him and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
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"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[hamish]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the ther possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the First year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and komputer keyboards kan have one less
letter.

In the Sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the Third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should be dropd.

By the Fourth year, people will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sesibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

AND ZEN VE VIL TAKE OVER ZE VORLD

LOL :D :D :D

[TheOwl]

What's pink and hard???





...Maths Paper II

[strangeirish]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall
and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very
slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from
CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****in wall."

[KeCelt]

I`ve been married to my wife for 20 yrs & I still worship the ground she`s going into.



Two lads in a pub: My wifes a little angel.
Lucky b@sard, mines still alive. ;) :o

[hamish]

Bill and Hilary Clinton moved house to a new area and Bill soon got into the habit of taking his daily jog in a beautiful, nearby park.
However, each day, on each jog, whenever he approached a certain bend on the track, a hooker would jump out and shout "50 bucks".
Bill would reply, "5 bucks" and run on.
This happened every day.
One day, Hilary decided to join him on the jog.
Bill was very apprehensive approaching that bend and, sure enough, saw the hooker.
As the pair reached the bend, Hooker shouts "Now, look what ya get for 5 bucks!"


Rufus and Cleetus, two good ol' rednecks, were drinking a few beers in front of Rufus's trailer.
Rufus said, "Cleetus, if I went over to your trailer, screwed your wife and made her pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Cleetus, "Dunno, but it would make us even".

[strangeirish]

The Christmas Parrot

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

[hamish]

The Christmas Parrot

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”


LOL Nice one strangeirish.....do you get emails from Tiggy's Rib Ticklers/Funlol/Funthumbmissy etc ?......they're joke sites with funny videos, jokes etc and I get an email from each of them every day........there's a similar joke to yours on one I read today but not near as good. It's called Kermit Jagger and I'm trying to remember it just now.

[hamish]

Think I recall it now - shouldn't have deleted it so here goes.

Frog goes in to a bank and is directed to a lady called Ms. Pattie Whack.
He says to her, "I want a $30,000 loan".
Ms. Whack says, "Have you got collateral?"
Frog produces a tiny porcelain elephant and says, "Here's my collateral and just tell your manager that Mick Jagger is my father and there should be no problem".
Ms. Whack goes to her manager and says, "There's a frog at the counter and he wants a $30,000 loan, all he's got is this little elephant for collateral and he also says that Mick Jagger's his dad".
The manager says,
"It's a knick knack, Pattie Whack
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone".

Getting coat........ :D

[strangeirish]

You picked the right thread for that one............. :D

[hamish]

You picked the right thread for that one............. :D

It's not THAT bad :p :D

[strangeirish]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''
The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.'' :eek: :D

[hamish]

Guy walks into a bar and spots a drop-dead gorgeous bird........goes over to chat to her.
Introduces himself and says, "My father has only a month to live and is leaving me his fortune.......how would you like to marry someone with 20 million dollars?"
The girl went home with him and two weeks later became his stepmother.

Proof that men will NEVER learn. :D

[hamish]

Old man retires, builds himself a lovely house with a large man-made pond out back plus a big orchard beside it.
One day he gets a bucket and decides to pick some apples.
Spots a group of nubile young women skinny dipping in his pond.
Girls see him and head to the deeper part of the pond.
They state that they won't come out while he's there watching.
Old man says. "I've no interest in seeing you lot naked, I just came to feed the alligator".

Proof that old age brings wisdom and calculation while youth has a lot to learn. :D

[De Town]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''
The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.'' :eek: :D
brilliant :D

[hamish]

Little boy is filling in a hole in his back garden.
Neighbour comes up to fence and says. "Little Johnny, what are you doing?"
Little Johnny, "I'm just burying my goldfish".
Neighbour, "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish".
Little Johnny, "That's because it's inside yer fcuking cat".

[Green Tribe]

Little boy is filling in a hole in his back garden.
Neighbour comes up to fence and says. "Little Johnny, what are you doing?"
Little Johnny, "I'm just burying my goldfish".
Neighbour, "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish".
Little Johnny, "That's because it's inside yer fcuking cat".

:D :D :D

[hamish]

Little Red Riding is holding her basket and ready to head out through the woods.
Her mother:"Now Little Red Riding Hood, you shouldn't travel through the woods. If that evil wolf catches you, he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fcuk your little red socks off".
Little Red Riding Hood (holding a shotgun):"Oh no, he won't"
On her way, she meets the three little pigs.
One of the pigs says: "Little Red Riding Hood, you shouldn't go through the woods. The big bad wolf will lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fcuk your little red socks off".
Little Red Riding Hood, cocking her gun: "Oh no, he won't"
As she travelled through the woods, out jumps the big bad wolf and says:
"Little Red Riding Hood, you shouldn't have come through the woods 'cos I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fcuk your little red socks off".
Little Red Riding Hood sticks the shotgun in the wolf's face and says:
"Oh no, you won't, you're gonna EAT ME, just like it says in the book".

The flash cartoon of this can be viewed in The Cartoon Basement website.

[strangeirish]

Crack Irish sniper
Mick Malone was a legend in the First World War. He was the most famous sniper in the history of warfare. The list of his victims was hundreds of names long, and yet his system was so simple. He'd worked out that ninety per cent of Germans were called Hans. So Mick would lie in no man's land, settle in a shell hole, set up the rifle and call:

'Hello, Hans, are you there?'

And a German head would rise up and shout 'Ja!'

Whereupon Malone would shoot him.

This worked very well for many months until he came across an equally smart German sniper. This man had worked out that over fifty per cent of Irishmen were called Mick, so he tried the same plan. There he lay, directly opposite Malone, and called out:

'Are you there, Mick?'

'Yes, is that you Hans?' said Malone without moving.

The German rose up and said, 'Ja!' and Mick shot him...


Thick Germans :rolleyes: :eek: :D :D

[hamish]

[B].


Thick Germans :D

Schweinhund :D :p :D

[Anto McC]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

[strangeirish]

A soon to be retired soldier is on sentry duty at night. The poor man, after all the years in the army, is hard of hearing and can barley see anymore. So, the only job left for him to do is sentry work. This particular night, there was a bad fog and you couldn't see two feet in front of you.

Suddenly, he thinks he hears footsteps approaching.
"Halt, who goes there. Friend or foe?"
"Friend" came the reply.
"Whah?"
"Friend, FFS,don't shoot!"
"Alright, come on in."

Thirty minutes later, more footsteps.
"Halt, who goes there. Friend or foe?"
"Friend" came the reply.
"Whah?"
"Friend, FFS,don't shoot, ya dosey clown ya!"

One hour later, even more footsteps(busy night)
"Halt, who goes there. Friend or foe?"
"Friend, I'm the Army Chaplin"
"Whah?"
"FFS, I'm the Army Chaplin!!!!!!"

Bang!!! The old sentry shoots him dead. He walks over to the body and prods it a few times and says,
"Huh, Charlie Chaplin me hole"

[De Town]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.
oldest one in the book d2, oldest one in the book :D :D

[Anto McC]

oldest one in the book d2, oldest one in the book :D :D

They are the ones that never get old DE TOWN,if you want i can PM you another joke

[De Town]

They are the ones that never get old DE TOWN,if you want i can PM you another joke
please do :)

[Dyl10]

The 7 dwarves are in the vatican on a trip to see the pope.
When they get there Dopey who is leading the group approaches the pope and says "Sir would it be possible for you to answer some questions for me".
"Yes of course" the pope responds.
Dopey says "are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"
The pope looking puzzled at this odd question says "no there are no dwarf nuns in the vatican"
The rest of dwarves start to giggle.
Dopey qickly turns around and throws a dirty look at them and they go silent.
"Well then" Dopey says "are there any Dwarf nuns in europe?"
The pope, now looking very confused says "No there are no dwarf nuns in europe"
The 6 dwarves behind Dopey start to laugh even louder but Dopey quickly sends a stare towards them and they go silent once again.
"ok" Dopey says "are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
The pope now looking completely bemused at these questions says "no there are no dwarf nuns in the world"
With this, the 6 dwaves behind Dopey erupt into frenzy of laughter rolling around the floor screaming "Dopey srewed a penguin" Dopey scewed a penguin"

[hamish]

Blind man wants to buy condoms but goes into a shoe shop by mistake.
Girl behind counter says "What size do you take?".
Blind man says, "Never been asked that before, dunno what size?"
Girl says, "Let me have a look and I'll judge".
Blind man puts his schlong on the counter.
Horrified girl cries out, "EEK, That's not a foot". :eek:
Blind man, "Damn fcuking near it".

[Dyl10]

Here it is possibley the worst joke ever thought of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whats pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

Whats blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff holding its breath

[strangeirish]

Blind man wants to buy condoms but goes into a shoe shop by mistake.
Girl behind counter says "What size do you take?".
Blind man says, "Never been asked that before, dunno what size?"
Girl says, "Let me have a look and I'll judge".
Blind man puts his schlong on the counter.
Horrified girl cries out, "EEK, That's not a foot". :eek:
Blind man, "Damn fcuking near it".

I likes that one :D :D :D

[hamish]

Check out the Little Red Riding Hood cartoon - you'll never look at Bugs Bunny or Tom and Jerry the same way again. :D

http://www.cartoonbasement.com/

EDIT - it's the first LRRH cartoon - the second LRRH one isn't great.

[hamish]

Here's really terribe joke..

Edgar and Ferdinand go to the country fair.
Edgar goes up on the big wheel.
Machinery fecks up, Edgar flies off his seat and is splattered on the ground, blood everywhere.
Ferdinand runs over to him "Oh Edgar, are you hurt?"
Edgar -"Of course I'm hurt, I waved to you every time I came circled round and you never once waved back"


Well, it is the terrible jokes thread. :o :D

[TheOwl]

What do you call a chair on your porch that's Irish?







.....Patty O'Furniture

[TheOwl]

Some producers were making a movie about famous musicians, and they wanted famous actors to play them.

Johnny Depp said "I'll be Beethoven!"

Pierce Brosnan said "I'll be Mozart!"

And Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach!"

[Duffer]

this ones probably been already said but ...........

a piece of string walks into a bar
the barman: your a piece of string
piece of string: I'm a frayed knot

what sounds like an orange parrot ........

sorry

I really apologise

a carrott!!

:o

[Duffer]

Some producers were making a movie about famous musicians, and they wanted famous actors to play them.

Johnny Depp said "I'll be Beethoven!"

Pierce Brosnan said "I'll be Mozart!"

And Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach!"

:D :D haha i like that one.

[Fair_play_boy]

Apologies in advance, but these are truly awful . . .

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a
grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet
down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding

(Boom, Boom)

[Green Tribe]

Jesus! I thought hamish had the worst jokes..... :eek: :eek: :eek:

:D

[CollegeTillIDie]

What's pink and hard???





...Maths Paper II

That's brilliant... move to another thread immediately :D

[hamish]

Apologies in advance, but these are truly awful . . .

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a
grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet
down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding

(Boom, Boom)

:D :D :D LOL

[hamish]

Jesus! I thought hamish had the worst jokes.....




:p :p :p :p :D

[hamish]

A tough, old cowboy counselled his grandson how to have a long life.
He told him to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on to his oatmeal every morning.

Grandson did so religiously and lived to 110.

Grandson left 4 kids, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. :eek:

[CollegeTillIDie]

What is the ideal gift for the man or woman that has everything?








scroll down










scroll down a bit more








PENICILLIN! :D

[Plastic Paddy]

PENICILLIN!

'Twould be feck all use to them if they've got MRSA.

I'll get me coat... :o

:ball: PP

[Plastic Paddy]

A duck walks into a bar and waddles on up to the counter. "What can I get you Donald?" asks the barman (sure don't you know that all ducks are called Donald? Anyway...)

"Got any bread...?" replies the duck.

"No," replies the barman, "can I get you anything else?"

"Got any bread...?"

"No, I haven't got any bread. This is a pub, not a bakery. What would you like?"

"Got any bread...?"

"NO! What do you want?"

"Got any bread...?"

"NO!!! Ask that again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails...?"

"No."

"Got any bread...?"


Ta-dum-tsch!

:D PP

[CollegeTillIDie]

Nurse : Doctor doctor what's that suppository doing behind your ear?

Doctor: Oh not that mean's some arsehole's got my pencil! :D




I'll get my coat

[KR's Post]

Joke erased due to being offensive.... Sorry guys

[CollegeTillIDie]

'Twould be feck all use to them if they've got MRSA.

I'll get me coat... :o

:ball: PP
Well to be fair the joke predates that outbreak!

[Green Tribe]

Nurse : Doctor doctor what's that suppository doing behind your ear?

Doctor: Oh not that mean's some arsehole's got my pencil! :D

I'll get my coat

tres bien! :D

[Plastic Paddy]

Arsene wenger takes the whole squad on a trip to central london to visit the bus bombing. He says: Guys take a good look, because thats the only open top bus you'll see this year!!!! SORRY

Did you hear about the new tube ticket prices, they are going through the roof!!! SO SO SORRY

If you're SO SO SORRY, why share these "jokes" with us in the first place? :rolleyes:

:ball: PP