Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[gustavo]

Note To Jock_MIB - Don't read any further :)



Josef Fritzl received some additional community services charges with his jail sentence. His first port of call is over to Portugal to show Gerry McCann how to lock a ****ing door.

[Wangball]

Whats the difference between cancer and a cat??

Even Jade Goody couldn't milk a cat!

[dahamsta]

Enough lads. The first post isn't a licence to post anything and everything.

We've discussed the posting of jokes on recent events in the past, and it was generally agreed that it's not ok.

[prince20]

Whats the difference between cancer and a cat??

Even Jade Goody couldn't milk a cat!

Your name says it all.

[Wangball]

Your name says it all.

NEWSFLASH......Its not my real name

[centre mid]

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?



Woman's Answer:


One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n
house
knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the
f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n
DAYS
before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god
damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand
on
to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n
SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE F***KING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR
CARRIES
OUT THE DUSTBIN!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE
F***N
PILES OF S**TE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

[jebus]

NEWSFLASH......Its not my real name

The G is silent and you're actually Korean?

[dahamsta]

Jokes lads, not comedy.

If the thread doesn't go back on topic, I'll just toss the whole thing in the bin.

[John83]

Three guys go into a pub, and the whole scene procedes with a tedious inevitability.

[osarusan]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”

St. Peter was impressed.

“When did this happen?”

“Just a few seconds ago."

[jebus]

Three men walk into a bar

A Priest, a Celtic fan and a paedophile

and that's just the first bloke

[dahamsta]

Three guys go into a pub, and the whole scene procedes with a tedious inevitability.Bill Bailey if ever I heard it.

[osarusan]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm

this is good for a laugh.


An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling.

[Wangball]

Three men walk into a bar

A Priest, a Celtic fan and a paedophile

and that's just the first bloke


I'm gonna change that around and then use it, a lot!

Q. Did you hear about the clown who got sacked from the circus?

A. He sued for funfair dismissal

Q. What do you call a bear with a penis on his head???

A. Genital Ben

[John83]

Bill Bailey if ever I heard it.
Correct. It's from his Part Troll tour, which I'm a big fan of.

[anto1208]

Exaggerations are up 1 million %

From sickipeadia its clean but I liked it

[prince20]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?



I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[hula4]

latest score from the Limerick feud

Dundon/McCarthy 1

Collopy/Keane 0

(P. Collopy o.g.)header

[alidiei]

i had a birthday once.............................................. ..............i was 40 ha ha ha:D:D:D

[Pauro 76]

A font walks into a bar. Barman goes 'we don't want your type around here!'

[hunt4the]

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

[Deckydee]

Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Irish Republic football team?

A: O.J. Simpson had a more credible defence.

[gustavo]

Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Irish Republic football team?

A: O.J. Simpson had a more credible defence.

http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/gg9/ricer12/cold.gif

[Pike B]

http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/gg9/ricer12/cold.gif
Anyone ever told you, you look a little like Steve Austin??

[Deckydee]

Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card.

Cost me an arm and a leg


Knorr have released a special edition black & white striped Oxo cube to celebrate the Newcastle United's Premier League season.

It's called the Laughing Stock.

[6yardpunisha]

BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS - Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna

[Pauro 76]

A guy goes to see the doctor and says "You've gotta help me doc, I keep thinking I'm a can of deodorant" The doctor asks "Are you sure?" The guy replies "No,I'm Lynx"

[NeilMcD]

Just read the first post and surely it should be humour is subjective. I know I am a smart arse.

[John83]

Just read the first post and surely it should be humour is subjective. I know I am a smart arse.
Objectively you're right, but subjectively Dahamsta is the admin.
http://img476.imageshack.us/img476/4977/boom8fo8ne6xy5zz.gif

[thischarmingman]

Button badly injured in horrific F1 crash.














http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o428/jgraham2704/buttoninjuredinhorrificf1accident_5.jpg

[shedite]

Two good ones from TodayFM yesterday.......


Man goes to meet a miracle worker who has been healing people all over the spot. Miracle worker asks what he need help with. The man replies "my hearing". So he healer puts one hand in each ear, rubs around a bit, massages, says a few prayers, and asks if it worked. Man replies, "Don't know, the hearing's not till next Wednesday"


Also, man spots a one handed lady walking down the street with a lightbulb. Man asks what she's up to and the lady replies she's going to change a lightbulb. "Won't that be difficult". "Nah, I have the reciept here"

[strangeirish]

It was once said that a black man would be president of the US "when pigs fly" and indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency... Swine Flu.


Coat, hat, Taxi!:D

[Lev Yashin]

So they found a cure for swine flu.....Oinkment!!!


Taxi!:D

[strangeirish]

Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and
shouted at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz
chord!".

Amazed that the little oriental man knew about the jazz influences in
Stevie's varied career, the blind virtuoso went into a difficult jazz
melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finished the whole place went wild - but the little old man
jumped up again and shouted "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz
chord".

Slightly annoyed, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dived
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band and really tore the
place apart.

The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise. The little old man jumped up again. "No, no, NO. Play a Jazz
chord, a jazz chord!!".

Well and truly ****ed off that this little bloke didn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage "OK
smart ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little old Japanese man climbed nervously onto the stage, took
hold of the mike, faced the huge audience and started to sing....

" A jazz chord to say a ruv yoo...":D

[Lev Yashin]

Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and
shouted at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz
chord!".

Amazed that the little oriental man knew about the jazz influences in
Stevie's varied career, the blind virtuoso went into a difficult jazz
melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finished the whole place went wild - but the little old man
jumped up again and shouted "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz
chord".

Slightly annoyed, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dived
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band and really tore the
place apart.

The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise. The little old man jumped up again. "No, no, NO. Play a Jazz
chord, a jazz chord!!".

Well and truly ****ed off that this little bloke didn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage "OK
smart ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little old Japanese man climbed nervously onto the stage, took
hold of the mike, faced the huge audience and started to sing....

" A jazz chord to say a ruv yoo...":D

ya i like it!!!:D

[Lev Yashin]

Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.

He's going to be their bow selector

[strangeirish]

First celebrity swine flu death...


http://www.techrivet.com/content/binary/Dead%20Kermit.png

[Lev Yashin]

My doctor wants to freeze me to minus 273 celsius my girlfriend is worried but i think ill be 0K

[strangeirish]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
:D

[stann]

My doctor wants to freeze me to minus 273 celsius my girlfriend is worried but i think ill be 0K

Very good! :D

[prince20]

Very good! :D

Please explain:confused:

[sligoman]

Please explain:confused:-273 celsius is 0Kelvin(or 0k)

[strangeirish]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the priest and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'
************************************************** ********

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife 775 euro a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. '...and every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bob meself.'

[strangeirish]

A man is sat on a towel on the beach he has no arms and no legs. Three women walk past and felt sorry for him so go back to talk to him.

The first woman says " Have you ever had a hug?", he says no, so she gives him a hug and walks on.

The second woman says "Have you ever been kissed?", he says no, so she gives him a kiss then walks on.

The third woman says " Have you ever been f***ed?", he says no.

She picks him up and throws him in the ocean and says " Well, you are now!"

[A face]

Young Padraic from Kerry bought a donkey from a farmer for €100 The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Young Padraic replied, 'well, then just give me my money back...'
The farmer said, 'can't do that. I went and spent it already..'
Young Padraic said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with him?
Young Padraic said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Young Padraic said, 'sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Young Padraic and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey?'
Young Padraic said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 apiece and made a profit of €898'
The farmer said, 'didn't anyone complain?'
Young Padraic said, 'just the guy who won. So I gave him back his €2'
Young Padraic became an investment broker for Anglo Irish Bank.

[Pauro 76]

Should this be under jokes?

[De Town]

Should this be under jokes?

No its not really funny enough to be called a joke.

[Blue Man]

I bought my girlfriend a Prince CD for her birthday. It was a bit expensive at €20, but I partied like it was €19.99... I'll get me coat!

************************************************** ***************

A fat frog walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman replies in astonishment "No way, we have a drink named after you!" so the frog replies "What, you have a drink called Steve?"

[Rovers fan]

Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.







I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.









A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."









I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to have sex with the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and urinate everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink knob.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!











New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashiers face as you pay: Priceless













Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.

Please give just a small donation of £2 and we will send you the video; it's bloody hilarious!
















Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.











Eighteen year old virgin.
No recollection from the victim.
No witnesses.

Carlsberg don't do rapes....

















I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.











Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar.

I realised my life was a big joke.

[passinginterest]

First Michael Jackson joke didn't take long:

Michael Jackson is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with.