Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[pineapple stu]

Where'd you get the coconut?

Em, smiley, I mean - smiley?

[John83]

Right click on it, then select "copy image location". Paste it somewhere.

Teach a man to fish...

[Schumi]

Teach a man to fish...

http://www.iloiloriver.com/philippines-facing-fish-shortage.html

[2legged tackle]

Barack to the Future? http://www.juventuz.com/forum/images/old_juventuz_smilies/yuck.gif

I thought it was so obvious the punchline wasnt needed, anyway fairplay john.
Nice one for the effort stu.

[Schumi]

I thought you were aiming for a blaxploitation type title.

[noby]

I thought it was so bad you were embarrassed to type the punchline. Seems I was right.

[2legged tackle]

I thought it was so bad you were embarrassed to type the punchline. Seems I was right.
Cant say you werent right. I'll make that the end of my postings.;)

[Magicme]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerer’s Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:








"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[sligoman]

Heard it before, with a less controversial ending than Londonderry;)

Ennis..........killen.

[Lev Yashin]

statistics show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy...

[strangeirish]

I had a few of American dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to my local bank.

Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated .

She asked the Bank teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The Bank teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".



The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!

[oscar]

ah you just reminded me of some Benny Hill sketches with that one:D

[hunt4the]

got this in an email thought i'd share it....

So beat your wife, ay ay ay.
Instead of treating her proper.
Just beat your wife (Oh!), ay ay ay.
You got no time for no police.
Just beat your wife (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling her, she’ll answer back.
Just beat your wife (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause if she runs I’ll chase her,
Just beating my wife (ay), my wife (oh), my wife (ay), my wife (oh)
Just hating my wife (ay), my wife (oh), my wife (ay), my wife (oh)

hmmmmm..... slow joke day

[Mr A]

Whoever would have thought that a joke about domestic violence could be unfunny?

[John83]

Whoever would have thought that a joke about domestic violence could be unfunny?
It's like rain on your wedding day.

[hunt4the]

Whoever would have thought that a joke about domestic violence could be unfunny?

you cant bate a good wife

[strangeirish]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's
my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able
to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those'.:D

[padjoe]

My friend went to a zoo but all they had was a dog.........it was a ****zu

[padjoe]

what's the difference between Gerald McCarthy and ET? ET got the message and ****ed off

[Lev Yashin]

REPORTS CLAIM; Rihanna shouted at Chris brown "shut up and drive". Brown then turned around, put his hands on her throat and said "How areyou gonna breath with no air?"

Mother of god!! thats shocking...get your coat!!!

[Pike B]

statistics show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy...
Best joke ever.. :D:D:D

[OwlsFan]

The judge is deciding in a divorce case with whom the son should live. So he asks the boy "Do you want to live with your dad?"

"No" says the boy, "he beats me all the time".

"Well" says the judge, "what about your mother?".

"No" says the boy, "she beats me all the time as well".

The frustrated judge then asks "Where do you want to live then ?" to which the boy replies:

"With Watford FC, they seldom beat anyone!!".

[Deckydee]

A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...

Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.

Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a horn blower... the next day, my throat is fine.

Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.

The next day...

Brunette: How's your throat?

Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!


A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still trucking talking aren't you?"

[Deckydee]

Mick from Dublin, appeared on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' '

Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

> A: Sparrow
> B: Thrush
> C: Magpie
> D: Cuckoo


I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'


'Are you sure?'


'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris.

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a clock!'

[Pike B]

You just want to get in trouble don't you??

[Deckydee]

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"



One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?



How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?



The McCann's revealed today that they have spent 1,000,000 quid in their search for Maddie.

I assume that includes the tenner they decided not to spend on a babysitter.



I can't take Scientology seriously. It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world. Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.

Add two Italian plumbers to that and you've got the first five levels of Super Mario!



Some mornings I wake up bitchy.

Other mornings I let her sleep.

[Deckydee]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"



This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out... he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy..."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"



95% of English males say they enjoy sex in the shower.

The other 5% haven't been to prison yet.


David Blaine is apparently gutted at the minute. He has discovered his 44 day record of doing **** all in a box has been smashed by Michael Owen.

[Deckydee]

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.



Hearty congratulations to Venus Williams on beating Elena Dementieva to get to the final of Wimbledon.

I mean have you looked at Dementieva? She's gorgeous. How Venus managed to concentrate on her tennis with an erection is beyond me.



"Where do you come from?" the Irishman asked the Brit.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied the Brit.
"Funny," said the Irishman, "you've got the strangest Irish accent I've ever heard."

[Mr A]

The McCann's revealed today that they have spent 1,000,000 quid in their search for Maddie.

I assume that includes the tenner they decided not to spend on a babysitter.


:D:D:D

[Deckydee]

I was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a nephew.


The Chelsea board.
The Metropolitan Police.
A lady with an itchy crotch.

They all regret going for that Brazilian. (Nasty!)


ATTENTION: for all men who suffer from premature ejaculation, there will be an anonymous meeting at the local pub tomorrow...

...Be sure to come early! (I'll get me coat)


Barack Obama, the first Black Man to beat a white woman and not serve time for it


If you're bored and want to find out something amusing.

Go to

www.imdb.com (internet movie database)

and in the search criteria type in the word ******.

Quite fitting that this guys name comes up, the biggest ****** I can think of to be honest.



The school phoned me today and said, "your son's been telling lies"

I said, "well tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"



Things that I Have Learnt From Reading The Sun

-For every four birthdays you have, a Page 3 girl only has one. It's like the Leap Year of tits.

-If you are featured in the Problem Page photo story (continues tomorrow), chances are you are an attractive woman, who accidentally lezzes her equally attractive friend, and is left confused by her feelings.

-People who clearly have never read a book, or anything other than The Sun, in their lives, turn out to be quite prolific letter writers.

-It's okay to be a little bit racist. As long as you pretend to hate people for being asylum seekers, and not just because they are black.

-There is no problem on the political landscape that cannot be tackled by sending a big red bus and two girls who like to take their boobs out in public.

-If you are unsure what to think about anything, there is a column on the left hand side of Page Six everyday that will do your thinking for you.

-When a Princess dies, you get no tits on page three for about two weeks. It's what she would have wanted.

-Brussells can go **** itself, but we should all go to France for £1.

-All Muslims are mental, and want to kill you. Moderate Muslims only moderately want to kill you. but they still want to kill you.

-If 30,000 people die in a foreign country, it can only make the front page if some (usually about three) 'Britons' are also killed. Otherwise it's just some more dead brown people, and there's plenty more where they came from apparently



A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "Food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "Honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "Shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "Opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "Solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "Please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "The rest of the world" meant.


I don't know why all the Americans are so excited about having a black president, Zimbabwe have had one for years and he's crap.


What with Lewis Hamilton winning the F1 world championship, Barack Obama being president of the USA, Will Smith being the world's highest paid actor and Tiger Woods being the world's best golfer, it has never been cooler to be black.

Poor old Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.


TEIAM - problem solved (Think about it, think about it)


Shannon airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".

Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.



I work for the Samaritans. I tried to call in sick this morning but they talked me out of it.



A kid came up to me the other day and asked, "Which is your favourite Telly Tubby?"

"Probably the new Samsung Widescreen, you cheeky *****."

[Deckydee]

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.


Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese Police have gone back to the McCann's villa to look under the bed.

[strangeirish]

After a night out Paddy takes his mates back to see his new apartment and have a few drinks. After a few beers one of the lads asks him what the big brass gong is for?
Paddy says "Thats a talking clock"
"How does it work?" they ask.
"I'll show you" he says
He hits it full pelt with a hammer and within seconds a voice from next door shouts,
"For fcuks sake it 3 in the morning":D

[Lev Yashin]

Shannon airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".

Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

Careful!!!!!:D

[dahamsta]

Deckydee, enough with the off-colour jokes please. I've had complaints and although I don't think they're as sick as some people think, they're not even remotely funny and some are borderline racist. Knock it on the head please.

adam

[Magicme]

Oi Sligoman I was in the process of infractioning his ass when you removed it! Dam that was gonna be my only drunken buzz tonight!

[osarusan]

Man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. "I'll have a pint, and one for the road."

[oscar]

well i suppose the old ones are the best:rolleyes:

[First]

Oi Sligoman I was in the process of infractioning his ass when you removed it! Dam that was gonna be my only drunken buzz tonight!

Moderating the site while drunk , is this boards;)

[oscar]

she should be stripped



of her moderating powers of course,not her clothing;)

[OwlsFan]

Irish Lent

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[the 12 th man]

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[sligoman]

http://www.ryanair.com/site/news/releases/2009/images/card.jpg

[strangeirish]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, (and leaving 1 outside to guard the door so no strangers could come in) she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'


'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

[Shilts]

A husband turns to his wife and asks, "tell me something that will make me happy and sad in the same sentence"

She pauses for a minute... and says..."you've got a bigger c0ck than your brother!!!"

[Rovers fan]

A woman is just after giving birth to a child. The doctor who delivered the baby says he has good news and bad news. The bad news is it's ginger. The good news is it's dead!

[Hairy Bowsie]

A woman is just after giving birth to a child. The doctor who delivered the baby says he has good news and bad news. The bad news is it's ginger. The good news is it's dead!

Brilliant :D

[prince20]

Micheal Jackson has just announced his dates for his UK concerts.
They are Colin age 5, Sean age 6, Paul age 7 and Peter aged 8:D

[dahamsta]

Dead baby joke complaints moved here (http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=114431). Which part of "further complaints outside the provided procedures will be dealt with in the usual way" did you retards have difficulty with?

Next off-topic post gets an immediate 1 month suspension. Back on topic now.

[Wangball]

Whats the difference between a dead prostitute and a Ferrari????

There's no Ferrari in my garage!

[First]

Man walks into a bar with a kid by his side.

Barperson says we don't allow kids in this bar .

Man says why is it cause he is ginger and ......