Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[hamish]

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Jesus, strangeirish, I came across that joke only last night on one of the joke sites I get emailed to me each day. You must be telepathic!!! :D

[strangeirish]

Jesus, strangeirish, I came across that joke only last night on one of the joke sites I get emailed to me each day. You must be telepathic!!! :D

I keep getting these from my mother via E-mail from Australia. I need to put her in my spam folder!!!!!!!! :D :D

[hamish]

I keep getting these from my mother via E-mail from Australia. I need to put her in my spam folder!!!!!!!! :D :D

Hope she doesn't see that comment. If she does, it's trousers round the ankles and the strap for you, you pup. :D

[strangeirish]

Hope she doesn't see that comment. If she does, it's trousers round the ankles and the strap for you, you pup. :D

Yea, I can see it now, pulling me by the ear to the back yard yelling "Ya little scut ya, yer father won't recognise by the time I'm done with ya" :D Mad women in her day!!!!!!

[hamish]

Yea, I can see it now, pulling me by the ear to the back yard yelling "Ya little scut ya, yer father won't recognise by the time I'm done with ya" :D Mad women in her day!!!!!!

Dead right too!!!

I remember, it was donkey's years ago, my mum chasing me for misbehaving. I scuttled up a tree and stayed there until she cooled down. Seemed like weeks I was up there.
Still went to bed with a sore ass. :eek:
Can laugh about it now. :D

Worst time though was when I let off a ripper of a fart and my sister came from her bedroom with an iron poker and fairly whacked me despite my best efforts to make myself small under the covers. I was fcuking black and blue with bruises the next morning.

My sister, how she hated/hates farts!!! :D

[strangeirish]

Dead right too!!!

I remember, it was donkey's years ago, my mum chasing me for misbehaving. I scuttled up a tree and stayed there until she cooled down. Seemed like weeks I was up there.
Still went to bed with a sore ass. :eek:
Can laugh about it now. :DD
I remember me granny chasing me with a tool from the fireplace. Can't remember what I had done, but she couldn't catch me after chasing me half way around the farm. So she sets her dog after me, who the week before had drank a half a gallon of petrol! Anyway, as I was running as hard as I still could, I turned around and saw the fceker on his back with all fours up in the air. My grandmother was in bits and called to the neighbour for help. He came over and looked at the dog and said "Oh dear God". "What is it?" screams me granny. "Was it heart failure?"
"No" says the neighbour, "he ran out of petrol" :D

[hamish]

I remember me granny chasing me with a tool from the fireplace. Can't remember what I had done, but she couldn't catch me after chasing me half way around the farm. So she sets her dog after me, who the week before had drank a half a gallon of petrol! Anyway, as I was running as hard as I still could, I turned around and saw the fceker on his back with all fours up in the air. My grandmother was in bits and called to the neighbour for help. He came over and looked at the dog and said "Oh dear God". "What is it?" screams me granny. "Was it heart failure?"
"No" says the neighbour, "he ran out of petrol" :D

:D :D :D

strangeirish legend

Here's a dry one and not PC.

Black bloke and a honky were arguing whether God was black or white.
Both went to Jerusalem.
Black guy shouts out: "God, is you black or white?"
Honky shouts out: "God, are you black or white?"
Earth trembles, lightening and thunder etc.
Voice booms out from on high.
"Ah is what ah is".

[Fair_play_boy]

I remember me granny chasing me with a tool from the fireplace. Can't remember what I had done, but she couldn't catch me after chasing me half way around the farm. So she sets her dog after me, who the week before had drank a half a gallon of petrol! Anyway, as I was running as hard as I still could, I turned around and saw the fceker on his back with all fours up in the air. My grandmother was in bits and called to the neighbour for help. He came over and looked at the dog and said "Oh dear God". "What is it?" screams me granny. "Was it heart failure?"
"No" says the neighbour, "he ran out of petrol" :DClassic!
Fugging Classic!!

[aido_b]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

:D

[hamish]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

:D

:D :D :D

aido b - top marks.

[hamish]

Bloke sitting at a bar drinking a Martini..

Stunning blonde walks in and sits beside him. She orders an orange juice.

Blonde turns to bloke and says : "My gynecologist has just told me I'm pregnant so I'm celebrating"

Bloke: "Congratulations, I'm celebrating too"

Blonde: "How is that?"
Bloke: "I'm a chicken farmer, for months my hens were infertile but this morning I discovered that they aren't anymore"

Blonde: "How did that happen?"
Bloke: "I changed cocks"

Blonde: "What a coincidence, so did I" :eek: :D

[steven17]

a man walks into a pub and calls 3 pints of guinness...the man does this everynite for 2 years,the man would call the 3 pints per call and down everyone.so the barman gets to ask him "come ere whats the story with the 3 pints per round like"!?.

so the man replys " i have a brother in america and a brother in austrailia,and everynite we used go for a few pints and that was the call."right says the barman,just wondering.

so one day he walks in and orders only 2,not wanting to seem noisy the barman just pours the two pints and says nothing,until the third round.
"look" said the barman."i dont wanna seem like im intruding but for the last 2 years its been the 3 pints per round 4 u and the 2 brothers of yours,hassomthing happened to one of them?
"no no no! says the man everythings fine,im just on the dry.!

thank u thank u.

[hamish]

a man walks into a pub and calls 3 pints of guinness...the man does this everynite for 2 years,the man would call the 3 pints per call and down everyone.so the barman gets to ask him "come ere whats the story with the 3 pints per round like"!?.

so the man replys " i have a brother in america and a brother in austrailia,and everynite we used go for a few pints and that was the call."right says the barman,just wondering.

so one day he walks in and orders only 2,not wanting to seem noisy the barman just pours the two pints and says nothing,until the third round.
"look" said the barman."i dont wanna seem like im intruding but for the last 2 years its been the 3 pints per round 4 u and the 2 brothers of yours,hassomthing happened to one of them?
"no no no! says the man everythings fine,im just on the dry.!

thank u thank u.

Boom Boom :D :D :D

[hamish]

This one is for Trekkies.

Why is Lieutenant Uhura Brown??

William Shatner.

[steven17]

a german is driving threw mahon,lost he stops the car and asks a local
"sorry iz zer a B&Q in mahon,?
the local stares blank at him for about 5 mins and says" jes i duno boss but theres 2 d`s in DunDalk.

as a great man once said "boom boom"

[strangeirish]

This one is for Trekkies.

Why is Lieutenant Uhura Brown??

William Shatner. :D :D :D
How do catch a unique woman?
Unique up on her!!!!!!!!!!!


Taxi...........

[hamish]

:D :D
How do catch a unique woman?
Unique up on her!!!!!!!!!!!


Taxi...........

Strangeirish strikes again with another goodie :D

I've been thinking about posting the following for a while 'cos it's very gross but fcuk it, here goes. (It was told to a bunch of us by a part time magician called Paul Tuohy in the Cellar Bar in Galway in the 70s - he had string of similar jokes which had the entire bar pi$$ing itelf laughing)

There was a fellow called Paddy Mulhearn back in the old days who had a fierce interest in the news of the day, not only local but worldwide.
He says to himself: "Well, I've shook hands with dem all - de Valera. Lemass, de Pope but der's one fellow I'd truly love ta meet"
His friend asked him who.
"He's a Mexican fellow called Pedro Rodrigues but he's better known as Pancho dee Bandido"
So, anyway, Paddy decided that he'll save up the bobs and travel to Mexico to meet him and off he goes.
He arrives in Mexico city and decides that he'd have a better chance meeting Pancho if he leaves the city and heads out to the countryside.
After several enquiries, he books a bus trip to a forested area where the bandit is supposed to hang out.
The bus drops him off at a junction and the driver tells him to carry on up an old dirt road nearby.
He tramps up this dirt road for about an hour and eventually spots a peasant riding a mule and coming in his direction.
"Erra boy, I'm lookin' for Pancho dee Bandido - you wouldn't know him by any chance?"
The peasant replies: "Senior, you ask ME if I know Pancho dee Bandido?"
(He had perfect English by the way :D )
Peasant: "Only this morning, senor, I was travelling on dees very track on my mule. I meet a beeg hombre on a beeg white horse and he say 'Make way for Pancho dee Bandido'
I say, No. senor Pancho, I weel not.
He say: "If you no make way for Pancho dee Bandido, you are in beeeg trouble'
I say NO again, senor.
Then, senor Paddy, Pancho bring out a beeeeg gun and point it at me.
He say: 'Get down off your mule"
I get down off my mule
He say; 'Drop your pants'
I drop my pants
He say: Makea dee bid $h!te on the ground'
I makea dee big $h!te on the ground
He say; 'Now, eat it'
Senior, I am terrified and I eat it.
'Always make way for Panco dee Bandido', he say
But, senor Paddy, as Pancho rose to get back on his horse, he slipped and fell, dropping his gun on dee ground and I grabbed dee gun and said:
Pancho dee Bandido, Drop your pants!
He say, 'No'
I say: Drop your pants or I will shoota you
He say: 'Si'
I say: Now, Pancho, makea dee $h!te on dee ground
He makea dee $h!te on dee ground.
I say: Now Pancho, eat it
He eat it

And Senor Paddy, you ask me if I know Pancho dee Bandido?

We have lunch together!!! :eek:


Here's another one before I get banned:

Pirate captain: Arrrrrrrrrrrrr, there be buggery aboard this ship.
There be taste o' $hit o' the first mates pr!ck.

[strangeirish]

:D Pancho dee sirhamish...classic one!............. :D

[hamish]

:D Pancho dee sirhamish...classic one!............. :D

Thanks senor strangeirish. I've another Knacky one in similar vein. I'm gonna have a shower now and a bite to eat and I'll post it later.

Make sure you've eaten long before you read it!!!! :D

Keep de good jokes comin' :)

[strangeirish]

When I first came over to the U.S. as a innocent young lad, myself and a couple of friends decided to go out on the town one night in Washington DC. After a good night hitting the local night spots and no joy with the totty, we stumbled across a place that had a red light in the window. Not sure what was in there, we decided one of us should go in and investigate. My first friend heads on in and returns a half hour later.
"Whats in there?" we asked. "Well," says he, " I met this girl in there and I gave her $20 and she got two pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked them off real slow"
My second friend couldn't wait and off he goes and returns an hour later. "Well?" we asked. "Listen, I met the same bird and gave her $40 and she got four pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked them off real slow"
At this stage, I was beside meself, so off I went. Two hours later, out I come and the two lads can't wait to hear this one.
"What in Gods name did she do to ya?" "Well," says I, "I met the same bird and I gave her $100 and she got eight pineapple rings, whipped cream and a cherry, and put it on me you know what." " Go on" say the lads" "What next, what next, tell us now".
"Well," says I " It was so fcuking nice, I licked it off meself" :D :D

[hamish]

When I first came over to the U.S. as a innocent young lad, myself and a couple of friends decided to go out on the town one night in Washington DC. After a good night hitting the local night spots and no joy with the totty, we stumbled across a place that had a red light in the window. Not sure what was in there, we decided one of us should go in and investigate. My first friend heads on in and returns a half hour later.
"Whats in there?" we asked. "Well," says he, " I met this girl in there and I gave her $20 and she got two pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked them off real slow"
My second friend couldn't wait and off he goes and returns an hour later. "Well?" we asked. "Listen, I met the same bird and gave her $40 and she got four pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked the off real slow"
At this stage, I was beside meself, so off I went. Two hours later, out I come and the two lads can't wait to hear this one.
"What in Gods name did she do to ya?" "Well," says I, "I met the same bird and I gave her $100 and she got eight pineapple rings, whipped cream and a cherry, and put it on me you know what." " Go on" say the lads" "What next, what next, tell us now".
"Well," says I " It was so fcuking nice, I licked it off meself" :D :D

Feck off, strangeirish, I know that one but worth the telling again. Had the shower and the kettle is boilin..........so...

This story is weird and kinda surreal.

Main characters:
Knacky (pronounced Knee -ack -eee, with a nasal tone) B'sloe man
Bird

Knacky's moved to Galway and is feeling a bit lonesome so he decides to go to the dance. The Seapoint Ballroom in Salthill was the place to go to those days.
He puts on his best pants, complete with new twine to stop it from falling down and his least dirty overcoat.

In the ballroom, he notices an absolutely ravishing bird who is refusing every dance offer.
Over he goes and says to her: Dear Lady, it would be a great honour for me if you could accept my offer of a dance"
Bird: "At last, a true gentleman. Of course, I'd be delighted"
So off they twirl around the dancefloor for not one, but a RAKE of dances.
Knacky: "Would ya like a mineral?"
Bird: "Yes please, thank you so much"
They go to the mineral bar and Knacky orders one can of Fanta with two glasses and fills them up.
Dance ends and Knacky is still with her!!!
Knacky (holding out is hand) "Well, thanks very much and I'll say goodbye"
Bird: "You will not - you're such a true gentleman, you can leave me home"
Reluctantly, Knacky brings her outside and puts her on the bar of his bicycle.
Off up Lower Salthill they go and eventually arrive at her flat, just opposite Wards Hotel.
Knacky: "Well, goodnight, Miss"
Bird: "Such a gentlemen, I insist you come inside for a cup of coffee and no arguments"
Knacky, very reluctantly agrees after much persusion.
Kitchen, Bird puts kettle on and Knacky sits at table in a very uncomfortable state.
Bird produces two steaming hot cups of coffee.
After several minutes, she notices Knacky is not drinking.
Bird: "Why are you not drinking your coffee - is there something wrong?"
Knacky:"I can't tell you"
Bird:"Go on, if you have something on your mind, I'm a woman of the world and maybe I can advise you - and that's expensive coffee"
Knacky: "Well, as you might have noticed I have a speech problem"
Bird: "Nobody's perfect - your voice doesn't bother me"
Knack:"Well, it doesn't bother me either but........"
Bird: "But what?"
Knacky:"Ah, Jaysus, I can't tell ya"
Bird: "Look Knacky, drink your coffee and tell me what's the matter"
Knacky: "That's what's the matter"
Bird: "Come again?"
Knacky;" Well, y'see, my impediment is because I have a hole in the top of my mouth"
Bird: "So?"
Knacky: "When I drink anything, it goes through the hole, down my nose and back in to the cup again"
Bird: "God love you, but everyone need liquids, how do you manage?"
Knacky:"Oh Jayz, I can't tell you that"
Bird: "Look, nothing but nothing shocks me - how do you absord liquids?"
Knacky: "Through me ar$ehole"
Bird: "That wasn't hard to say, was it, but HOW do you take in liquids in such fashion?"
Knacky: Do you know those things people use when they run out of petrol, they pore the petrol through it from a can"
Bird:"You're luck is in, I just happen to have a brand new one in the cupboard"
Knacky: "No thanks, all the same"
Bird: "Knacky, that's rare coffee you have in front of you, you're drinking it. Now how do we manage this funnel thing?"
Knacky explains that he drops his trousers, sticks the funnel in and pours the liquid into it.
Bird: "Down with your pants, lie over the table"
Knacky does so and POP, she inserts said funnell in said orifice
Bird starts gently pouring coffee in....when...Knacky roars: "Ow.Ow, Oh Jesus"
Bird: "Oh Jesus, Knacky, is the coffee too hot?"

Knacky: "No, you fcuking eejit, you forgot to mix in the sugar"

There - a dirty joke and not a bit of sex involved.

[Dublin12]

Somebody tell me if it's funny,I can't be ar5ed to read it

[hamish]

Somebody tell me if it's funny,I can't be ar5ed to read it

Young people these days, such short attention spans!!!! :D

[Dublin12]

Even worse ,I am old with no attention span :D

[Peadar]

Somebody tell me if it's funny,I can't be ar5ed to read it

I read the start and the "punchline" and didn't find it funny but perhaps it's funny in the middle. ;)

[hamish]

Even worse ,I am old with no attention span :D

Heh heh Welcome to the club. :D

[hamish]

I read the start and the "punchline" and didn't find it funny but perhaps it's funny in the middle. ;)

It's one of those some find funny, some don't - probably better when told orally with a thick wesht of Ireland accent. Sorry you didn't like it Peadar - I'm sure I've better ones.
Jesus, you Corky Boys are hard to please. :D Was the Pancho dee Bandido one, above, any good?? :o

Anyway, it's in a terrible jokes thread so qualifies.
.

[Peadar]

Anyway, it's in a terrible jokes thread so qualifies.


It certainly does.

Here's a quickie.

Why are women like condoms?
If they're not on your willy, they're in your wallet. :D

[hamish]

It certainly does.

Here's a quickie.

Why are women like condoms?
If they're not on your willy, they're in your wallet. :D

:D :D

Yes, that's much better but belongs in a good jokes thread!!

Still think the Knacky one is not THAT bad. :D

[aido_b]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew
yesterday...

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
the Irish Government's FAS scheme and employ people from Dublin.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from the Dublin area were able to remove
a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
where as Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of pounds worth of high Tec equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari
management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari
would have an advantage over every team.

However...Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the
crew's first practice session, not only were the Dublin pit crew
able to change the Tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12
seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle over
to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed
and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

:D

[Fair_play_boy]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, you never done anything wild in your life?"
With out batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock,
I was just wondering if you were my son."

[steven17]

(kina long but good)

this old man is put into an old folks home after his wife dies,
hes in the home for 3 years without ever leaving his room.
until one day he says feck it,!its time to get on with my life.

so he befriends this elderly lady,
every day the would meet up in
the grounds of the home and chat about ant little thing.
so one day the conversation moves to sex."you know"says the old man the one thing i miss about when i was married.!
"no" says the lady
sex.!! he says
"y u dirty old man. at ur age that should b the last thing on your mind.
no says the man,nothing full on,i just miss the feeling thats all.all i want is some1 to just hold it once ina while.
"well i can hepl u there" she says

so again every day theyed meet up and she would hold his member 4 him while thay talked......until one day he never turned up,worried she went looking 4 him.she looked everywhere till she found him with a women who`s a little older by the pool doing the same job as she had done..
frantic she runs up to him shouting
"how could u,u ungreatfull little so and so"!!!!
what as she got that i dont?
to which he repiles
parkinsons!

[Green Tribe]

very good..... :D

[aido_b]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :D

[Green Tribe]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :D

heard it before but i love it, brill!!!!!! :D

[aido_b]

Sorry about this one ...

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I dont even have a racket." :D

[De Town]

Sorry about this one ...

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I dont even have a racket." :D
get your coat man :o

[aido_b]

get your coat man :o

Will do after this one!



A brunette goes into the doctors ans say "It hurts here, here, here and here" pointing to here head, shoulder, arm and knee.

"You're not a natural brunette are you?" enquired the doctor

"No" she replied "I'm a blonde, how do you know that?"

"Because you've broken you finger" replied the doctor. :D

[De Town]

Will do after this one!



A brunette goes into the doctors ans say "It hurts here, here, here and here" pointing to here head, shoulder, arm and knee.

"You're not a natural brunette are you?" enquired the doctor

"No" she replied "I'm a blonde, how do you know that?"

"Because you've broken you finger" replied the doctor. :D
no need to get the coat for this one, its quality :D

[Green Tribe]

Prob heard this but it's a cracker!

How do we know Jesus was Irish?

Because he was still living at home at the age of 30, he thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the Son of God..... :D Taxi!!!!!

[aido_b]

Right a couple of one liners then im outta here!

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back aga

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

:D

[hamish]

Three Redneck women in a bar.
First one, Mary Jane, says: What do you call your old man, Irene?
Irene: "I calls him Big Dick"
Mary Jane: Why?
Irene: 'Cos he got a Big Dick"
Irene: What you call yo man, Britney?"
Britney: "I calls him Long John"
Irene: "Why?"
Britney: "'Cos he got a long john"
Britney:"What you call yo man, Mary Jane?"
Mary Jane: "Beaujolais"
Britney: "Aint that some kinda fancy liqour?"
Mary Jane: "That's ma man".

[Green Tribe]

Large manufacturers and supermarkets are starting to produce their own brand of condoms and have subsequently adapted their advertising slogans......... :eek:

Condoms by........

Sainsburys - Making life taste better :eek:

Tesco - Every little helps

Ronseal - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Nike - Just do it

Coca-Cola - The Real Thing

M & M's - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Polo - The one with the hole :o

Burger King - Have it your way/You're the boss

Kfc - Finger licking good

L'Oreal - Because I'm worth it. :rolleyes:

Radio Times - If it's on, it's in :eek:

[hamish]

Pure filth. :D

[Dawn_Run]

Large manufacturers and supermarkets are starting to produce their own brand of condoms and have subsequently adapted their advertising slogans......... :eek:

Condoms by........

Sainsburys - Making life taste better :eek:

Tesco - Every little helps

Ronseal - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Nike - Just do it

Coca-Cola - The Real Thing

M & M's - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Polo - The one with the hole :o

Burger King - Have it your way/You're the boss

Kfc - Finger licking good

L'Oreal - Because I'm worth it.

Radio Times - If it's on, it's in

Pepsi - the taste of a new generation :eek:

Nokia - connecting people :p

[fosterdollar]

Microsoft - Where do you want to go today?

VW - Think small

Braniff Airlines - When you got it, flaunt it

Forbes - Capitalist Tool

Shell - You can be sure of Shell

Access - You're flexible friend

AT&T - reach out and touch someone

Lay's - Betcha can't eat just one

Smarties - WotAlotIgot

...

It's Miller time!!!

Got Milk? :(

[padjoe]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."

[padjoe]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week
>so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
>There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each
week
>and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
>understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
> "Look, it's not the same hat!"
> or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
>or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
>
>The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
>the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
>unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician
>luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the
>sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
>
>They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
>This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally
on
>the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......
>
>"OK, I give up. Where's the Fliping ship?"

[padjoe]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the ther possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the First year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and komputer keyboards kan have one less
letter.

In the Sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the Third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should be dropd.

By the Fourth year, people will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sesibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

AND ZEN VE VIL TAKE OVER ZE VORLD