Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[rambler14]

During a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, lead singer Bono asked the audience to remain silent. The entire audience duly obeyed and you could hear a pin drop in the stadium. Punters waited patiently to see and hear what Bono was up to and where he was going with his silence request.
Then he slowly began to clap his hands at 5 second intervals. turning to the microphone he then announced "every time I clap my hands a child dies somewhere in the world". Then out of the blue, a loud scottish accent from the front of the crowd was heard to shout "then stop clapping you evil *******"! :D

The word at the end sounds like backstard by the way!:D

[NeilMcD]

A recnet concert, U2 have not played Glasgow for years.

[paul_oshea]

what do you call a cautious russian wasp?


A KGB :D

[thischarmingman]

A recnet concert, U2 have not played Glasgow for years.

In full...

http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp

[brendy_éire]

Once upon a time a charming young man asked a beautiful young princess to marry him. She said no.
And the young man went fishing, playing football, watching war films, eating big fries, drinking seven nights a week, laughing loudly when he farted, going on drinking holidays every month, never dressing up, and having loads of mad friends.
And he lived happily ever after.

[paul_oshea]

brendy, dont let it get you down, plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

[loscherland]

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!
-----------------------------------
Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh – two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot
--------------------------------------
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability
--------------------------------------
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

[stann]

Somebody likes Bill Bailey. :D

[Magicme]

What have Kerry and Fizz from Coronation Street got in common?


They were both F****d by Tyrone!

[noby]

Somebody likes Bill Bailey. :D

Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha....ha..........ha.........I don't get it.

Why make Bill Bailey the butt of your joke?
Now if you'd said 'Someone likes Alan Davies'. that would have been funny.

[stann]

Bill Bailey was Axl Rose's real name. Ahhhhhh!!! So it's funny AND clever! :)

[3 Heroes]

The Americans have George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder. We have Brian Cowan, no cash, no hope, and no effing wonder...

[strangeirish]

Little Johnny is passing his parent's bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks screwing. Before his dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" His dad, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[anto1208]

I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".
I'm wondering is it them or me.



Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

[Mr A]

Ever hear of the dyslexic atheist who suffered from amnesia?

He lay awake in bed all night wondering if dog was real

I think he must have forgot he suffered from insomnia rather than amnesia!

[anto1208]

I think he must have forgot he suffered from insomnia rather than amnesia!

I was just wondering why he needed to have amnesia !!

[Sligo Hornet]

I was just wondering why he needed to have amnesia !!

I did know, but can't remember now

[TonyD]

Ever hear of the dyslexic atheist who suffered from amnesia?

He lay awake in bed all night wondering if dog was real

Try it this way -

Have you heard about the Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac ?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

[stann]

Probably now time to trot out this hoary old chestnut:

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.


Tu-dum-tishhhhh!


:o

:D

[brendy_éire]

I met this really kinky girl last night. 'Humiliate me,' she said ... So I bought her a Tottenham shirt

Haringey council has blocked Tottenham's plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: 'We don't mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much.'

'I was playing Scrabble and had enough letters to make 'Tottenham Hotspur Football Club'. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points.'

Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.

A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. 'What about your parents?' asks the social worker. 'No, they beat me,' says the boy. 'What about your grandparents?' says the social worker. 'No, they beat me even harder!' says the boy. 'Well ... where do you want to stay then?' replies the social worker. 'Tottenham,' says the boy. 'They don't beat anyone.

What do a toothpick and Tottenham have in common? They both have two points

Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. 'It ought to,' replies the groundsman. 'We put 70 million quid's worth of manure on it every week.'

I just went down to the newsagents and bought Tottenham Hotspur magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in.

What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win? Turns off the Xbox

After leaving San Siro, Jose Mourinho was asked if he was going to help Spurs get out of their slump. He turned around and said, 'No way, I ain't that special'.

Apparently the entire Tottenham squad have been busy honing their skills playing the computer game Championship Manager. Sadly it seems Juande misunderstood and thinks they want to play for a Championship manager.

Contrary to what you may think, Spurs are the strongest team in the league at the moment. Sure, aren't they holding everyone else up?

What do the Premier League and a cowboy have in common? They both have spurs at their feet.

A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.

What would an improved version of Spurs be called? Newcastle United.

Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points.

Is it just me or are Spurs the team to beat this season? Everyone's at it.

A man is sitting in a pub with his jack russell dog one Sunday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner: 'Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1,' reads the announcer. Suddenly the jack russell jumps up and shouts out, 'Oh, no, not again.' The shocked landlord says, 'That's amazing. Why did he say that when it was announced that Tottenham lost?' 'Because he's a Spurs supporter,' the dog's owner replies. The landlord then asks what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replies, 'I don't know. I've only had him six months.'

When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was. On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.

All trains through White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a massive points failure.

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, 'Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10'. The boy says, 'OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?' He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. 'I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball.' Next he gives him a Millwall ball: 'I hear lions, so it's Millwall.' Amazed, the shopkeeper says, 'Get this and you can have it for nothing.' The boy listens and says Spurs. The man asks if he's heard a cockerel. 'No,' says the boy. 'It's going down.'

What's the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.

I was walking home the other evening and saw half the spurs team playing football with a hedgehog. I was going to call the RSPCA but then I realised the hedgehog was 4-0 up.

[Bluebeard]

Years ago, a post like that could only have been made by an Arsenal fan, as they were natural rivals.

The way things are going, it looks like it could have just as easily been from a Leyton Orient fan...

[Mr Maroon]

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[shedite]

Another Spurs one:

Did ya hear the groundsmen are covering White Hart Lane in A4 pads.
Apparently Spurs are great on paper!

[ollie]

What's the difference between a triangle and Spurs..

A triangle has 3 points

[stoatsie]

So old it probably was on the first page, has arthritis aaaaand you probably all know it by heart, but I still love it:



A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
The clerk replies, "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick *******."

[hula4]

So old it probably was on the first page, has arthritis aaaaand you probably all know it by heart, but I still love it:



A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
The clerk replies, "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick *******."

slightly topical, my friend text me during the week and asked me would i run the marathon, i said no, he said its for blind and handicapped kids, i said "why not" i could win that!!!

[TonyD]

slightly topical, my friend text me during the week and asked me would i run the marathon, i said no, he said its for blind and handicapped kids, i said "why not" i could win that!!!

:D That sounds kinda familiar. Was it a Jimmy Carr line at one stage ? Sounds like one of his.

[hula4]

:D That sounds kinda familiar. Was it a Jimmy Carr line at one stage ? Sounds like one of his.

dunno where it came from, a friend of mine got it in a text

[sligofan4ever]

3 men are on death row and are going to be executed in a few days but are each granted one wish.

The first man said he wanted 10 bottles of whiskey,the second man wanted his wife by his side and the third man wanted 16 boxes of cigarettes. The first man gets his whiskey, the second gets his wife and the third man asks "doe's anyone got a lighter ?".

[gustavo]

3 men are on death row and are going to be executed in a few days but are each granted one wish.

The first man said he wanted 10 bottles of whiskey,the second man wanted his wife by his side and the third man wanted 16 boxes of cigarettes. The first man gets his whiskey, the second gets his wife and the third man asks "doe's anyone got a lighter ?".
The way I heard that joke was they were all locked away for 10 years or whatever and thats the first thing he says when he is freed :)

[sligofan4ever]

I'm sure these have been posted up before but they never get old :D.

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

Yo momma so stupid she think Fleetwood Mac is a new burger at McDonalds.

Yo Momma so old when she went to school, there was no history class.

Yo momma so stupid, she tried to give a jellyfish brain damage for stinging her.

Yo momma so bald when she had a shower, she got brain-washed.

Yo momma so stupid that when the bartender told her drinks were on the house, she got a ladder.

Yo momma so small, she can sit on a matchbox and swing her legs.

[stann]

Oh my! :o
I hope they haven't been.
;) :D

Two blokes sitting on a park bench.
One says to the other "It's nice out."
The other says "Yeah... I think I'll take mine out."

[Magicme]

Did you hear about the gay ghosts?? They kept putting the willies up each other!

[Magicme]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn,that the doctor saidhe only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make loveagain?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eighthours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed andturned until he was down toonly four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only havefour hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....

...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

[strangeirish]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Eyes
Eyes who?
Eyes yo new president!:D

[paul_oshea]

class :D

[6yardpunisha]

Barack Obama's presidency is in doubt.....it appears the cork hurlers arent happy about it

[corkboy360]

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/F/M/2/election-trains.jpg

[hula4]

gardai stopped 4 ku klux klan members in coolock this morning, they said the were going to kilbarrack!!

[oldyouth]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors: Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


…………. So they buried Debbie.

[Magicme]

Another of my Mum's gems!

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.

See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If they want fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can' t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache .

11. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[paul_oshea]

Sing along at the opera, i think that would be rather difficult to do unless you were bilingual at least, whatever about not being able to sing. Either way its hillarious. Imagine the faces on those beside you bopping yer head clapping and singing along.

[anto1208]

I think a church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence.

[brendy_éire]

What's the capital of Iceland?
€4.50

[sligoman]

Strangeirish, an army captain, is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq. During an inspection he notices a camel tied up outside the mens barracks. He asks a soldier why is it there, the soldier replies 'Well Sir, their are 250 men here and no women, sometimes the men get "urges". A month later, the Captain has "urges" of his own. He puts a ladder behind the camel, drops his pants and has sex with it. He asks the soldier 'Is that how the men do it?'

The soldier replies 'No, they usually ride it to the brothel'

[strangeirish]

http://i434.photobucket.com/albums/qq63/Strangeirish/Keane.jpg?t=1228625255

...with Sligoman in the back there...:D

[Noelys Guitar]

Man walks into a bar and sees someone with an orange for a head having a drink.

Curiosity gets the better of him, so he goes up to him and says, "Sorry, mate, I don't mean to be rude but I can't help but notice you've got an orange for a head".

Other bloke says, "Ah, well, there's a story behind that".

"What happened?".

"Well, I bought this old ****ing lamp at a car boot sale, all beat up and dusty and that, and I get it home and think, "I'll probably be cleaning this up and a genie will come out". So I did, and what do you ****ing know, out comes this genie".

"And?".

"Well, he says to me, "For releasing me from that lamp, you have three wishes". Great I said, I've always wanted a million euro's. So there's a flash and next thing I know I'm surrounded by money".

"Carry on".

"Then I said, I've always wanted to shag Kylie Minogue. Another flash, and there's Kylie on a big ****ing waterbed, legs spread, beckoning me over with her finger".

"****ing hell. Then?"

"Then I said, "I've always wanted an orange for a head".

[OwlsFan]

http://i434.photobucket.com/albums/qq63/Strangeirish/Keane.jpg?t=1228625255

...with Sligoman in the back there...:D

Are you sure that isn't he on the far left ;) ?

[GalwayRed]

I have CDO its the same as OCD only ive arranged the letters in alphabetical order....as they should be

[gustavo]

Some Top Tips from Viz



Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat *******.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.