Jokes (READ FIRST POST) [Archive] - Page 26

ramsfan

25/04/2008, 5:21 PM

Man U Sing:

'Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house'
----------------------------
The offside rule explained for the ladies
Picture this: you're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

DmanDmythDledge

25/04/2008, 5:25 PM

A woman stands nude in front of a mirror. She says to here husband, "I'm fat, horrible and ugly. Pay me a compliment." Her husband replies, "Well at least your eyesight is spot on." :D

Bluebeard

26/04/2008, 2:00 AM

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Says loads about the standards of teaching these days that the teacher doesn't know enough to correct the pupil on the date of the alleged first moon landing...

pól-dcfc

29/04/2008, 9:21 AM

the alleged first moon landing...

:D:D:D

I actually laughed out loud.

Norm

29/04/2008, 3:16 PM

Two Teddy Bears in a hot press.
Which one is in the Army..?????....................................... ..........

The one on the Tank.......

shedite

30/04/2008, 12:51 PM

A man walks into a petrol station and says " can I please have a kitkat chunky".

The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.

"no" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat b!tch"

anto1208

01/05/2008, 1:13 PM

Josef fritzl’s neighbour was asked by a journalist "how long he had known the fritzl's daughter alice"

Alice ? he repiled who the f**k is alice ?

Do you mean FOR 24 YEARS IVE BEEN LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ALICE . . .

pól-dcfc

01/05/2008, 2:19 PM

joe_barry80

01/05/2008, 7:57 PM

What did Aryton Senna and Freddie Mercury have in common when they died?

They both had skid marks on their helmets.

strangeirish

01/05/2008, 8:40 PM

A psychiatrist is on a conference call with his partners when his receptionist buzzes in on the other line.

"What is it, Alice?"

"I've got Ms. Carlson out here. She is quite distraught and is demanding to talk to you right away."

"Any idea what the problem is?"

"Well....she's huddled in the corner, claiming that she's, um, invisible."

"Tell her I can't see her right now."
__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting ****ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her tw@t." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's ****, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run"!

Sligo Hornet

02/05/2008, 10:33 AM

A broad yorkshire man went into the vets

"I've come about T cat"

Vet- " Is it A tom"?

"No ,i've got it with me".

Sligo Hornet

02/05/2008, 10:37 AM

Just as Maddy Mccann was winning the world hide and seek championships, Elisabeth Fritzel raises the bar as she has been hiding 24 years!;)

stojkovic

02/05/2008, 9:21 PM

Just as Maddy Mccann was winning the world hide and seek championships, Elisabeth Fritzel raises the bar as she has been hiding 24 years!;)

The McCanns have demanded a stewards enquiry claiming Elizabeth received assistance from her father.

3 Heroes

03/05/2008, 11:19 AM

The McCanns have demanded a stewards enquiry claiming Elizabeth received assistance from her father.

That might be funny if people didn't think Maddie didn't have help from her parents (allegedly)

strangeirish

03/05/2008, 10:26 PM

A man and a woman who had never met before, and
were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea ," she replied.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied.
"Get your own friggen blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Magicme

06/05/2008, 8:13 PM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
Small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask s, "What may we do for
You my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

The Man Himself

11/05/2008, 10:12 AM

young boy appeared on stars in their eyes in wheelchair,
matthew kelly asked him whats you name!
boy: simon
matthew: what happened you
boy: i was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and i had my legs amputated' But they saved my uncles legs and grafted them on to me and in six months time i will be able to walk again,
matthew: thats brilliant, now tell me who are you going to be tonight,
boy: well tonight matthew im going to be..
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simon and halfuncle
:D

pineapple stu

11/05/2008, 10:18 AM

There's only a huge jokes thread already. :rolleyes:

The Man Himself

11/05/2008, 10:26 AM

There's only a huge jokes thread already. :rolleyes:

where?

thischarmingman

11/05/2008, 11:08 AM

http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=1816

dahamsta

11/05/2008, 11:10 AM

I wouldn't mind, but I doubt it'd qualify as joke of the hour...

smellyfeet

13/05/2008, 4:10 PM

LITTLE JOHNNY: A DAY AT THE ZOO
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

strangeirish

14/05/2008, 1:30 AM

Two howaya sluts walk into Brown Thomas (Dublin), they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it:

'Dat's quite nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'.

'Yeah, what's it called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the f##k does that mean?

At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?".:D

TheOwl

19/05/2008, 10:04 PM

Did you hear about that Australian guy who loved beer so much he used the seatbelt in the back of his car to protect a crate of beer instead of his child?

The best part is he has four ex wives and a foster child

(from Have I Got News for You)

beirut

21/05/2008, 1:04 PM

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

strangeirish

21/05/2008, 4:25 PM

Not a joke, but, in the picture you see Albert Einstein. Stand ten feet away and you see Marilyn Monroe.

bellavistaman

21/05/2008, 4:32 PM

Not a joke, but, in the picture you see Albert Einstein. Stand ten feet away and you see Marilyn Monroe.

na cant see it

pass&move

21/05/2008, 4:34 PM

click on the pic

thischarmingman

21/05/2008, 4:34 PM

Not a joke, but, in the picture you see Albert Einstein. Stand ten feet away and you see Marilyn Monroe.

8 pints usually does the same for me.

bellavistaman

21/05/2008, 4:37 PM

click on the pic

didnt mean literally.

BohsPartisan

21/05/2008, 10:26 PM

http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/8854/terryuo1.jpg

ollie

23/05/2008, 10:48 AM

Didn't take long

New John Terry Vodka. Bottled in Moscow

Magicme

23/05/2008, 10:59 AM

Brilliant, couldnt happen to a nicer guy!

noby

23/05/2008, 11:11 AM

Didn't take long

New John Terry Vodka. Bottled in Moscow

That was in one of the tabloids this morning. Never let the truth (Anelka bottled, Terry slipped) get in the way of a tabloid story, eh?

stann

23/05/2008, 11:51 AM

That was in one of the tabloids this morning. Never let the truth (Anelka bottled, Terry slipped) get in the way of a tabloid story, eh?

True. No Terry sympathiser by any stretch but the biggest joke of the week is how Anelka has got off scott free from the all the scorn.

jebus

23/05/2008, 12:24 PM

True. No Terry sympathiser by any stretch but the biggest joke of the week is how Anelka has got off scott free from the all the scorn.

Anelka's wasn't a terrible penalty, Terry's was. Plus Terry decided to take the last penalty with newspaper headlines dancing through his eyes, it should have been Kalou taking it. Plus people genuinely despise John Terry

gustavo

23/05/2008, 12:32 PM

Anelka's wasn't a terrible penalty, Terry's was. Plus Terry decided to take the last penalty with newspaper headlines dancing through his eyes, it should have been Kalou taking it. Plus people genuinely despise John Terry

Heres that delightful chap sneezing on Tevez and calling him a "****ing Argie ****"
http://i30.tinypic.com/aylrn6.gif

stann

23/05/2008, 12:38 PM

Anelka's wasn't a terrible penalty, Terry's was. Plus Terry decided to take the last penalty with newspaper headlines dancing through his eyes, it should have been Kalou taking it. Plus people genuinely despise John Terry

Anelka's was just poor, and he looked like missing it from the moment he went forward to take it. Terry slipped. It's also not beyond the bounds of possibility that he took the last one as captain, leading from the front and all that. You'd wonder why the more attacking players like Kalou, and Anelka, didn't put themselves forward for the first five. Anelka has since admitted refusing to be one of the first lot.

Terry is genuinely despised by many, and I'm all for that. I'm just saying save a bit of your bile for Le Sulk. Spread the hate!

Anyway, gone O/T so will shut up now.

noby

23/05/2008, 12:39 PM

Anelka's wasn't a terrible penalty, Terry's was.

Eh? He slipped. And even so it was only a foot away from going in, with the keeper gone the other way.
Anelka, the striker, moped up to it, and never looked like scoring.

It was funny to look at the Chelsea team reaction. A lot of people trying to out-do Terry in the 'woe is me' stakes, but I didn't see one shot of anyone even giving Anelka a consoling pat on the back.

jebus

23/05/2008, 12:45 PM

A player of that experience should have compensated for the ground being wet for Christ's sake. It's unforgiveable for a professional footballer to not hit the target in a penalty situation

noby

23/05/2008, 1:46 PM

A player of that experience should have compensated for the ground being wet for Christ's sake. It's unforgiveable for a professional footballer to not hit the target in a penalty situation

Well yes, and that holds every time a pro footballer misses a penalty.
It's just low-brow typical tabloid stuff to have a go at the heroic Captain of England who cried his eyes out at missing than to try and pin any blame on Anelka, who makes no attempt to hide the fact that he doesn't give a rat's ass, and is happy to take his wedge of cash at the end of the week.

You know, if anything, Anelka is probably the more sincere of the two.

gustavo

23/05/2008, 2:17 PM

Well yes, and that holds every time a pro footballer misses a penalty.
It's just low-brow typical tabloid stuff to have a go at the heroic Captain of England who cried his eyes out at missing than to try and pin any blame on Anelka, who makes no attempt to hide the fact that he doesn't give a rat's ass, and is happy to take his wedge of cash at the end of the week.

You know, if anything, Anelka is probably the more sincere of the two.

Just because he isnt on his knees bawling his eyes out doesn't mean he doesn't care

Anyway to keep it on topic
Drogba wasn't invited to Lampards mothers funeral cos they were afraid he'd dive in the box

DmanDmythDledge

23/05/2008, 2:43 PM

When Rio Ferdinand was asked to comment on lifting the Champions League trophy he compared it to the chocolate orange.

"It's not Terry's- it's mine."

FarBeag

24/05/2008, 9:19 AM

Samaritans are offering counselling to all Chelsea fans. Call 0800 101010 – that’s 08000 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

And If that line gets too busy there is another number to call: 0800 6-5 6-5 6-5.

Missing: 1 x Bottle
Last Seen: 21st May, Moscow
If found please return to: John Terry, Stamford Bridge, London

Heard about the John Terry tyre? Excellent durability but not so good in the wet.

John Terry always listens to the same song before a game - Born Slippy.

What is top of the man utd pop charts? Footloose.

Did you hear about the new 'Chelsea Bra'? Lots of support but no cups.

Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were allegedly spotted out in Red Square last night, having clearly had one or two drinks. They were reportedly singing: "We're forever blowing Doubles."

beirut

26/05/2008, 8:53 AM

A major International company was looking to recruit for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from England, says 'My answer is, there is no answer.'
The second, from Scotland, says 'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'
The third one, from Ireland, says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either:

Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.'

The Irishman got the job...

anto1208

30/05/2008, 12:50 PM

I went into a pub the other day. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two Asians, an African man, and two Homosexuals.

... didn't stay long.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

strangeirish

30/05/2008, 3:19 PM

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once
more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed
yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?

The woman nodded. "Pepper."