Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[chuckie]

Chelsea have released a new fragrance called "the special one" its from U go Boss.
i'll get my coat!

[2legged tackle]

A hooker in London is such a die hard Chelsea fan she gets a tattoo of Frank Lampard on her Left thigh, John Terry on her right thigh and offers discounts to fellow Chelsea fans. A man approaches her and eventually they get down to it. He lifts up her skirt and opens her legs,
Hooker: If you can tell me who this is on my left leg ill give ya everythin for a tenner
Man: No soryy dont know him
Hooker: Same with the right leg.
Man: No I dont know who he is either but the fella in the middle with the big lips looks like Shaun Wright Phillips.

[Blue-Army]

renault have designed a new version of people carrier so large and spacious you would even hear a person scream in the back, they have called it ..................
the renault mccann

ill get my coat

here it is....:D

[Jock MIB]

here it is....:D

My Name is McCann from Glasgow but no relation to them, but as a parent feel for any person who has lost there child to what ever curcumstances... to me anyone who laughs or tells these jokes are sad people... these sick jokes should be taken off this thread

[strangeirish]

Marcel Marceau, the world's best-known mime artist who for decades moved audiences across the globe without uttering a single word, has died aged 84.
Family and friends are remaining tight lipped about the funeral arrangements.
:D

[sligoman]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "Me feet are freezing. Could you nip upstairs and get my slippers?". "No bother" he says, and runs upstairs. He see's Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed. "Hello girls, yer dad sent me up here to shag ye both." Murphy says. "**** off you liar" they said. "I'll prove it" says Murphy...so he shouts downstairs "Both of them Paddy?". He replied..."Of course Murph, sure what's the use of ****ing one"

:D

[strangeirish]

An 80 year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 minutes they shagged like animals,arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor."Christ" she said "You didn't shag me like that 50 years ago" to which the old man replied "50 years ago that fence wasn't electric"

[kingdom hoop]

Where are the rudest people in the world from?

Connecticut!


Just came up with that one myself, not all that funny, more clever I suppose but I was happy with it.:) The 'getting' of it lies in an extension from etiquette, or in internet terms, netiquette, and being anti-etiquette they are con-etiquette = Connecticut.:o Any improvement suggestions are welcomed!

[strangeirish]

Where are the rudest people in the world from?

Connecticut!


You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.:D

[jebus]

Just came up with that one myself, not all that funny, more clever I suppose but I was happy with it.:) The 'getting' of it lies in an extension from etiquette, or in internet terms, netiquette, and being anti-etiquette they are con-etiquette = Connecticut.:o Any improvement suggestions are welcomed!

Improvement = never telling it to anyone ever again

:p

[pineapple stu]

How many FAI suits does it take to hold an FAI Cup Final?

Two. Or at least, it can't go ahead without them anyway. :rolleyes:

[kingdom hoop]

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

:D Cheers! There's something fractured about my thoughts too, never concrete, concise, or condensed into a single limb ready for mobility. Too haphazard, handicapped by a broken mind, idly dangling without fusing. The joints were good but the midnight oil is exhausted, no more lubrication for a stiff grey matter. :D :p


Improvement = never telling it to anyone ever again


Nice. Suggestion duly noted.


And promptly disregarded!

[pineapple stu]

You should write for the UCD fanzine!

[kingdom hoop]

You should write for the UCD fanzine!

Presumably the fact that you wrote that in the jokes thread indicates a lack of sincerity. Well f u too. :(

[pineapple stu]

Ah no - a warped and sprained mind is indeed a necessity for us STIGians!

[kingdom hoop]

Sorry for the over-indulgence there pineapple stu, I was of course joking. I've thought about contributing to one of college papers before alright but a combination of laziness and severe writer's block over the past few years has come against me. I suppose the laziness was the over-riding factor actually.

It's an honour to be approached to join kindred souls, bound by commonalities imperceptible to aliens. But to endeavour to join the pantheon of great STIGians places me in glaring headlights, I think I'm most happy under foot.ie's soft lantern for the time being. Maybe, some day, I'll be ready...

[strangeirish]

Bah, cast off the shackles of fear kingdom hoop and don't deprive the student's the eloquence of your mighty pen.

<Of course the writing style would have to be phonetically inclined:D>

[kingdom hoop]

Bah, cast off the shackles of fear kingdom hoop and don't deprive the student's the eloquence of your mighty pen.


Stop embarrassing me! Nah, we all love adulation really, no matter how humble we are. Like, what's made my day today was being nominated for PotM for the first time*, that, and my Connecticut joke. Good day all round. :)

*(Dare I say, not before time. :p)



- Agent note; Just to put the rumours to rest, kingdom hoop will not be joining the eminent sages of STIG in the near future. He is soon to be mired in FE-1 exams so unless a contribution is required on the defence of insanity he considers it best to keep his, albeit small, distance. However that is not to imply that any further invitations or suggestions for his energy are unwelcome.

[Risteard]

Where are the rudest people in the world from?

Connecticut!


Just came up with that one myself, not all that funny, more clever I suppose but I was happy with it.:) The 'getting' of it lies in an extension from etiquette, or in internet terms, netiquette, and being anti-etiquette they are con-etiquette = Connecticut.:o Any improvement suggestions are welcomed!
It's funny because you explained it.
Here's a Merrion square one.
How many FAI men does it take to come out, clarify a misunderstanding and allay any confusion?

[3 Heroes]

I've just seen a cow in a field using a mobile phone,

it's the first case of bluetooth disease
-------
Irish weather,

it's just like a Muslim, either Sunni or Shi'ite.

[Magicme]

A Priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her habit to reveal a shapely leg. The Priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The Priest removed his hand, but, changing gear, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said," Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The Priest apologised, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak"

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the Priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

Itsaid,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."



*MORAL of the story.*

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.*

[smellyfeet]

John was cycling his bike down the road one day. He passed Mary who was walking in the same direction. He said to her, "Mary can i give you a lift". Mary replies,
"yes please". John told her, "jump up there on to the crossbar".

As they were going down the road Mary says to John. "John i have a confession to tell you, I don't have any knickers on". John replies, "I have a confession too, I have no crossbar".:o

[anto1208]

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.

[bellavistaman]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The rest of the European community (except France) is sending money.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies
The British, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis!
God Bless British generosity

[smellyfeet]

Where doe's Saddam Hussain keep his CD's.

In a rack.

[Sligo Hornet]

Where doe's Saddam Hussain keep his CD's.

In a rack.


Not any more!!:D

[smellyfeet]

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

[galwayhoop]

Apparently Jose Mourinho has stated that he wishes to return to Portugal and disappear forever.

Gerry and Kate McCann have said they will assist him in any way they can!

:o

[kingdom hoop]

Ok, observations more than jokes - my own, just now.


Michael Douglas - than he should have, if only he'd flicked the spade one more time he would've unearthed the buried treasure.


Drew Barrymore - I really should've, all his portraits are going for millions at Sotheby's you know.


:o Yeah, not great I know, but original! I'm sure there are loads more possibilities with celebrities names, those two just came to mind for some reason.

[strangeirish]

Ok, observations more than jokes - my own, just now.
Michael Douglas - than he should have, if only he'd flicked the spade one more time he would've unearthed the buried treasure.
Drew Barrymore - I really should've, all his portraits are going for millions at Sotheby's you know.
:o Yeah, not great I know, but original! I'm sure there are loads more possibilities with celebrities names, those two just came to mind for some reason.
For kingdom hoop. Click here:D (http://www.a1freesoundeffects.com/popular12552/shotgun.mp3)

[kingdom hoop]

For kingdom hoop. Click here:D (http://www.a1freesoundeffects.com/popular12552/shotgun.mp3)

:D Ow, ow, ow, I nearly dodged it but you got my elbow, I think, I think, I think my funny bone is blown to pieces, argh, nooooooo, no more japes from me. Mission accomplished you dastardly so and so :(

[galwayhoop]

This got the whole of Sydney laughing.
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.



The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game
is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they
are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour
City
drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"


Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."


DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win.
What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."


DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"


Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."


DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."


Brian: "Sara."


DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"


Brian: "She is gonna kill me."


DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"


Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."


DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"


Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."


DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."


DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"


Brian: "About 10 minutes."


DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."



DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."


DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"


Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with
us
for couple of weeks..."


DJ: "Uh huh..."


Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."


DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than theprevious hundred
times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up.


You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch
tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."


DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian
knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"


Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."


DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the
both of youwill be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"


Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood.
We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one
question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you
ready?"


Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."


DJ: "Where did you have it?"


Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"


Brian: "Just tell him, honey."


DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"


Sarah: "Well..."


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

















.....













...




..


.




> Sarah: "Up the arse....."



They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to
have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police
just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

[smellyfeet]

A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry.

One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to "close the Eiffel Tower", it means that he has to close his zipper.

His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, "Aunti, why did you come here?"

His aunti answered, "Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower."

The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, "But aunti, the Eiffel Tower is closed."

Aunti replied, "My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one."

The boy answered politely, "Aunti, then I will have to call my dad."

[paul_oshea]

I have another maddie mccann joke, pm me if ye want it. Its not that bad really but i dont think its right to put it on an internet forum.

[3 Heroes]

Limerick Gardai are looking for a "Racist Attacker". I rang them, but apparently it isn't a recruitment advertisement!

[strangeirish]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife. Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[DmanDmythDledge]

What's the safest place in America?

Dunkin Donuts

(Hopefully someone gets this joke) :)

[strangeirish]

What's the safest place in America?

Dunkin Donuts

(Hopefully someone gets this joke) :)
Anyone with a bit of cop on, may.;)

[Dunny]

A husband and wife are sat watching telly when lightening strikes the house!
It quickly becomes apparrant that they are going to be burnt alive so the wife says.............................................. .................................................. ..............Make me feel like a real woman once more before we die!.............................................. .................................................. ............................so the husband takes off his shirt and pants and says.............................................. ....Iron These!!!

[paul_oshea]

What's the safest place in America?

Dunkin Donuts

subtle but good, expecting a punch line but then ye "cop" on..,..

[2legged tackle]

If a fat bird falls in the woods would the trees laugh ???? :D

[First]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for Ireland but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[anto1208]

was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought "**** it. I could win that!"

[paul_oshea]

what did gary glitter say to michael jackson?!





Ill give ye 10 for two 5's

[2legged tackle]

Kerryman #1 standin in a field moving his arms as if hes paddleing a conoe, As he continues paddlein faster and faster in his imaginery canoe, another kerryman passes.
Kerryman#2: Your de type of f**kin idiot that gives the rest of us Kerrymen the bad name of being stupid.
Kerryman#1: Your lucky i cant swim or i'd go over there and box your head in.:D

[2legged tackle]

Tallaght Girl goes into a dry cleaners and hands in a dress, when leaving she says:I'll be to collect it on wednesday roigh.
Dry Cleaner: Come again?
Tallaght girl: No its mayonaise this time.:eek:

[anto1208]

I asked a gym instructor if she could teach me to do the splits.
She said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can't make tuesdays"



A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!'


A guy walks into a bar and buys a pint.
A bowl of peanuts at the bar start to tell him how good looking he is and how much they think he will get the ladies tonight.
Confused he walks over to the fruit machine to have a few games.
The fruit machine tells him it f****d his mother last nite and that she was s**t.
Even more confused he walks back to the bar and asks the barman what is going on.
The barman says"well the nuts are complimentary and the fruit machine is just out of order"

[sligoman]

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Most people can chop beef but not many can pea soup;).

[strangeirish]

A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."

[smellyfeet]

A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."

Classics:D