Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Magicme]

Some gems from my mum!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
> > >>> " I almost had an affair with another woman."
> >
> >>> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
> >>>
> >>> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
> >>> but then I stopped."
> >>>
> >>> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
> >>> You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
>Mary's
> >>> and put $50 in the poor box."
> >>>
> >>> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>over to the

> >>> poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
> >>> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
>that.
> >>> You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
> >>>
> >>> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
> >>> according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
> >>>
> >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
> >>> Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I
> >>> have sinned."
> >>>
> >>> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
> >>>
> >>> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
> >>> passionate love to me seven times."
> >>>
> >>> The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
> >>> lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
> >>>
> >>> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
> >>>
> >>> The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
> >>>
> >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
> >>>
> >>> A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
> >>> was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
> >>> "You're beautiful."
> >>>
> >>> Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
>before,
> >>> so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered
> >>> open and he said, "You're cute."
> >>>
> >>> The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
>"cute."
> >>>
> >>> She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
> >>>
> >>> The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
> >>>
>
>>>************************************************** *******************************

> >>>
> >>> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
> >>>
> >>> company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
> >>> priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass

> >>> for the poor creature?"
> >>>
> >>> Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
>an
> >>> animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
> >>> there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
> >>> the creature."
> >>>
> >>> Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
>enough
> >>> to donate to them for the service?"
> >>>
> >>> Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
> >>> didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
> >>>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>>
> >>> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
>ensues:
> >>> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
> >>> children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
> >>> picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where
> >>> I had sex with each of them three times."
> >>>
> >>> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
> >>>
> >>> Man: "What sins?"
> >>>
> >>> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
> >>>
> >>> Man: "I'm Jewish."
> >>>
> >>> Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
> >>>
> >>> Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
> >>>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>>
> >>> A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
> >>> pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
> >>> bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
> >>>
> >>> "Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she
> >>> pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
> >>>
> >>> The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
> >>> bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
> >>>
> >>> "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
> >>>
> >>> "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
> >>>
> >>> "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
>replied.
> >>>
> >>> "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
> >>>
> >>> The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little *******s!"

[strangeirish]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything.



He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[Magicme]

Kids Writing about the Sea..... CUTE!!


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly, age 6)


2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

(James age 6)


3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't
have sea all round you, you are in continent.

( Wayne age 7)



4) Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

(Kylie age 6)



5) A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)



6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.

(Millie age 6)



7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better
off
eating beans.

(William age 7)



8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny
tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?

(Helen age 6)



9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

(Amy age 6)



10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)



11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small.

(Kevin age 6)



12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky age 8)



13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fanny.

(Julie age 7)

The first one reminds me of my youngest son when he was about 3 yrs old and we were in a chinese and he wanted to order for himself. Being a polite young boy he asked for Chicken Testicles coz I had always insisted him and his brother call their balls by the correct name. It was very funny but kinda embarrasing too!

[skitz3]

A man walks into a psychiatrists office dressed in a tutu,diving mask and slippers. "doctor" he says, "i'm worried about my brother"

[strangeirish]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Pittsburgh, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Risteard]

The best of the thread are the anti-jokes imo.
Was asking the buddy would we bring another fella out for pints while ago and he said.
Him? His idea of a great night out is Sir Elton John.

[paul_oshea]

The first one reminds me of my youngest son when he was about 3 yrs old and we were in a chinese and he wanted to order for himself. Being a polite young boy he asked for Chicken Testicles coz I had always insisted him and his brother call their balls by the correct name.

:8

huh? thats completely weird, if even just for the fact you used the word balls after insisting they didnt?!?!?! :8

[Magicme]

Well I dont want them growing up a potty mouth like their mum now do I?

[strangeirish]

When the person sitting next to you in an airplane starts to get on your nerves........

1. Slowly quietly and secretly with as little movement as possible take your laptop from the overhead compartment

2.Take it out of its bag

3.Turn it on

4.Hold your laptop so that the irritating person next to you can see the screen

5.Close your eyes and quickly look up to heaven

6.Click on this link (http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf)

[superfrank]

That's brilliant.

[SeaniesRedArmy]

Two prostitutes hav eto have an interview with a tax collector. They are waiting outside his office thinking of jobs to make up because they are embarrased to say they are prostitutes. He calls in the first prostitute. After 15 minutes she comes out and the other one asked her what she said she worked at. "a poultry farmer" she said. The other one asks her why and she replies "because i raise 50 cocks a day"

[First]

When the person sitting next to you in an airplane starts to get on your nerves........

1. Slowly quietly and secretly with as little movement as possible take your laptop from the overhead compartment

2.Take it out of its bag

3.Turn it on

4.Hold your laptop so that the irritating person next to you can see the screen

5.Close your eyes and quickly look up to heaven

6.Click on this link (http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf)


That will get you an orange boiler suit:)

[paul_oshea]

potty mouth ...balls....hmmmm :D

strageone is that suitable for work?

[strangeirish]

strageone is that suitable for work?
It depends where and who you work with ;). I'd wait TBH.

[paul_oshea]

ya when i saw the "funny" writing i gathered that. I work in london ( that in itself answers your first question really - i.e. ill wait ), though I dont think you mean location as such :)

[strangeirish]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my d*ck", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't p*ss out of it," he replied.
:D

[strangeirish]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated Mother Superior. "How unfortunate that was! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" said Mother Superior, with sympathy.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, "You missed the f____g putt, didn't you?"

[BohsPartisan]

What have the championship and a cordless drill got in common?

No Leeds.

[Magicme]

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks
them for
coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says
goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex
therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor,
then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go
to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do
it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa."

[paul_oshea]

did yer mother send ye that joke too Magicme?!?! ;) :D

[Magicme]

did yer mother send ye that joke too Magicme?!?! ;) :D

No but I have sent it to her! She will b forwarding to all her mates no doubt!

[paul_oshea]

the joke was clearly lost on you Magicme :D

[Magicme]

Did u not hear? Im blonde now!

[strangeirish]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news. The donkey died. "Kenny replied, "Well then, just
give me my money back. "The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and
spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey. "The
farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him? Kenny said, "I'm going to
raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" The farmer
replied.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain?" The farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

[Magicme]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
>> husband is at work.
>> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them
>> and hides in the
>> bedroom closet to watch.
>>
>> The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
>> lover in the closet,
>> not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>>
>> The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The man says, "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball."
>> Man: "That's nice"
>> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>> Man: "No, thanks."
>> Boy: "My Dad's outside."
>> Man: "OK, how much?"
>> Boy: "$250"
>>
>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
>> and the lover are
>> in the closet together.
>>
>> Boy: "Dark in here."
>> Man: "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
>> "How much?"
>> Boy: "$750"
>> Man: "Sold."
>>
>> A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your
>> glove, let's go
>> outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I
>> can't, I sold my
>> baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did
>> you sell them for?"
>> Boy: "$1,000" The Dad says, "That's terrible to over
>> charge your
>> friends like that. That is way more than those two
>> things cost. I'm
>> taking you to church, to confession."
>>
>> They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy
>> sit in the
>> confessional booth and closes the door.
>>
>> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; You're
>> in my closet
>> now."

[Magicme]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Great! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[strangeirish]

Frog 4 Sale

A blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete
instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the
instructions!"

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is
specified:


1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog
to do what he has been trained to do.


She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing
happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
store."

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just sits there."


The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how
to do this one more time!"

[Magicme]

Some more jokes from me mammy:

Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says: "Ere, a bunch of us are
heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always
end up Getting my head kicked in.

So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a
hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says: "Fair
enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.

As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking
him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him
with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the
table and wipes up his Jelly baby blood. He then turns to Smartie
and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**king menthol

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a wanted ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you --- you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
"With a smirk the old man said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[Green Tribe]

Some more jokes from me mammy:

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a wanted ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you --- you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
"With a smirk the old man said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Does yer mammy know Sir Hamish? :eek: That's his joke! :D
I suppose Monaghan isn't too far from Ballinasloe :eek: LOL

[paul_oshea]

this fella walks into a pub with a giraffe, they start sinking pints of guiness, after about 8 pints the giraffe falls to the floor and cant get up. The fella is still drinking away and the barman says to him:
"Don't leave that lying there."
Fella says "thats not a lion, thats a giraffe!"

LOL :D, there is a bit of poetic license with the spelling there ( for those that didnt cop on )

[Magicme]

Does yer mammy know Sir Hamish? :eek: That's his joke! :D
I suppose Monaghan isn't too far from Ballinasloe :eek: LOL

Ha....Ballinalsoe is miles and miles away! Thank God!

O'Shea were u nodding at me when u made that "for those who didnt cop on" comment? Am very very upset!

[paul_oshea]

of course not magicme!!! i was on about strange one, besides i hope we are not the only 3 sados who read this thread and its not completely obvious when ye read it, its def one of those jokes that you have to tell rather than read!!!! we're definately the only 3 sados who post though!!!!

[Magicme]

Stop calling me a Sado or will bate ya with me flip flop!

[strangeirish]

Stop calling me a Sado or will bate ya with me flip flop!
Slap him for me too, would ya?

[sligoman]

Does yer mammy know Sir Hamish? :eek:Of course he does, Hamish knows all country women, pretty well too, if ya know what I mean;) :D

[strangeirish]

Of course he does, Hamish knows all country women, pretty well too, if ya know what I mean;) :D

LOL...Hamish, the bog trotting pimpmeister:D

[Green Tribe]

Good ol' Hamish, not even on forum and we're slagging him. I like that new name for him Strangeone...:D

[3 Heroes]

In response to the Rainbow Coalition; Sinn Fein and Labour are forming an alliance hereafter known as Guns n Roses

[Kildare Lad]

I called in to quit my job in the samaritans today...

the fu*kers talked me out of it.

[strangeirish]

A mental patient is walking down the street with a brown paper bag. A passerby asks, "What's in the bag?"
"A frog!" says the mental patient.
"Why do you have a frog in the bag?" asks the passerby.
"It's a theory I'm working on" he says.
"What's the theory?" asks the passerby.
"Well" he says, "Watch this". He takes out this legless frog and puts it on the bonnet of a car and yells "JUMP"
Frog doesn't move. Again he yells "JUMP". Still nothing. Finally he claps as loud as he can and yells "JUMP". Frog doesn't budge.
"There you go" says the mental patient. "That's my theory".
"What exactly is the theory?" asks the passerby.
"Well" says the mental lad, "It seems that if you cut the legs off a frog, it goes deaf".
:D

[Risteard]

There's a fine gale around the southside of Cork City.
Must be Deirdre Clune.
I'd give her 1.
People were banging away, putting it in her box all day yesterday so i'd say she could be up the poll.

Sorry

[Aaron]

A young boy asked his mother is it wrong to have a dick,
his mother said no it isnt and why do you ask.

He said "Dad is in the toilet trying to pull his off!!"

[sligoman]

Buddhist monk walks into a Pizzeria. The waiter comes up and says 'Evening sir, what would you like?' The monk replies, 'make me one with everything.'
---------
If you don't get it, then think about it;) :D

[dcfc1985]

Paddy complains to his friend that sex with his wife has become boring.
"Use your imagination, why not try playing doctor for an hour, thats what I do" says Seamus.
Paddy says "Jaysus a whole hour!, how do you make it last that long?!"
"Its easy" replies Seamus. "I just keep her in the waiting room for 56 minutes!" :D

[BohsPartisan]

I had a car accident this morning - went straight into the back
of someone.



Bloke got out of his car, he was a dwarf.



He came over and he said "I'm not happy"



So I said "Well, which one are you?"

[pineapple stu]

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE


A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" say the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver"

[joeSoap]

Anto from Limerick always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that

he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shellsuit.

Anto saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from

returning his empty bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair

of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by

"See me new trainaz dem? Cool, wha?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine

pair of trainers but was young Anto aware that he had a lace undone?

Anto scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a

trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Anto took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"See der! It sez............................................... .................

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..

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.

"TAIWAN"

>

[anto1208]

I have probibly the funniest joke ever but im not sure if i should post it , it doesnt contain bad language but still just isnt right , ive prob built it up too much now ..:(

[BohsPartisan]

I have probibly the funniest joke ever but im not sure if i should post it , it doesnt contain bad language but still just isnt right , ive prob built it up too much now ..:(

Can you PM it to me.

[Bluebeard]

I have probibly the funniest joke ever but im not sure if i should post it , it doesnt contain bad language but still just isnt right , ive prob built it up too much now ..:(

Maybe you should set up a thread entitled "Jokes - off-colour section"

EDIT: Actually, BohsPartisan has the right idea - pm it to me too ;)