Seeing as how I did so spectacularly well... badly four years ago (http://foot.ie/threads/147872-How-th...=1#post1457511), and licked my wounds in the meantime, I thought it’s time to give this Mystic Mug thing another go. So...
The 2015 League
March
- Portacabinteely FC reject claims their time in the league will be a short one.
- Termonbarry Alberts sign Robbie Keane. Robbie says: ‘I’ve always wanted to play here. I’ve been a big fan since.... Ah, f*** it, it’s one last chance for a big pay-off.’
- Bray Unknowns produce evidence that every penny the club has ever received, including players’ communion money, has been properly spent and accounted for. The Revenue Commissioners accept the evidence, which is handwritten by Buddhist monks on antique silk scrolls.
April
- The LEDP unveils a papier mâché model of the €1,500,000 Markets Field development. Measuring 3 feet by two, Limerick fans worry when they realise the scale is 1:1.
- The FAI amends its rulebook to allow dead Council members attend its AGM and vote for John Delaney’s proposals. ‘Sure look at the lads on Council,’ laughs Delaney. ‘You can’t tell the difference between them and the undead.’
- Bray Unknowns merge with the Revenue Commissioners to form Bray RC. A Revenue spokesman says: ‘knowing how wisely and honestly they spent public money over the years, we might as well have the use of the gold-plated taps and the heated seats in the Bray loos.’
May
- Danny Invincible is elected President of FIFA when it becomes clear that he is the only person alive who has read the rule book.
- John Delaney announces a new TV deal for the league. For five seasons, the Angelus will show a three-second clip of a player or manager staring meditatively into space. This will replace live games and highlights.
- Termonbarry Alberts sign Stephanie Roche to play alongside Robbie Keane. The club makes a fortune selling replicas of her Ballon d’Or frock to transvestites in Longford.
June
- Players audition to be the Angelus Football Guy. Nutsy’s training techniques are called into question as the Shamrock Rovers squad are ruled out for squinting up in the air all the time.
- Journalists who ask John Delaney difficult questions are sent for reprogram--, ahem, media training, organised by Delaney’s stunningly attractive, talented and thoroughly professional PR girlfriend.
- Galway United ask Michael Twee Higgins for financial help. Michael Twee writes a poem. With a rare fairy-tale twist, the magical poem sends anybody who hears it to sleep. Galway pipe a recording into the away dressing room and win every home match.
July
- Roddy Collins turns down the chance to be the Angelus Football Guy. In a rare moment of humility, he admits to being unable to keep quiet for three seconds at a time.
- While waiting for the proper football to restart, Irish journalists calculate that if all the promised seats in a redeveloped Brandywell were installed, the capacity would be over 200,000. They laugh merrily at this hilarious groupthink and think they’re very clever.
- Looking to strengthen their defence for European competition, Dundalk sign The Doc. Instead of Sean St Ledger, they get some bloke. Stephen Kenny ruefully considers that at least The Doc talks a good game, which is one up on SSL.
Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
- E Tattsyrup.
August
- Damien Duff joins Bray RC. To help his recovery from ankle surgery, Bray give him a gold-plated wheelchair, and Revenue the receipt.
- Stephanie Roche quits Termonbarry Alberts. ‘It was just like being in France,’ she tells the Off Their Heads boys on Newstalk. ‘I couldn’t understand a word the natives said.’
- Emmet Malone’s first reprogrammed article, ‘Why John Delaney should represent us in the Eurovision. And get the Nobel Peace prize’, is so sickly sweet 200 diabetics go into a coma after reading it.
September
- Limerick FC call in Dermot Bannon to help with the Markets Field. Bannon doubles the seating using some decking, and an art-deco bistro table and chairs with an umbrella of artistically distressed canvas taken from a skip.
- Zombie FAI Council members turn on John Delaney, but discover he has no brains to feast on. FIFA President Danny Invincible turns down an offer to replace him, preferring to write the last 3,000 pages of his comic fantasy novel about a man eligible to play for 17 countries, three planets and a worm hole.
- Roy Keane is appointed CEO of the FAI. No reason is given for the surprise move.
October
- Roy Keane quits as CEO of the FAI. No reason is given for the surprise move.
- Ryle Nugent pays Bray RC one billion dollars for the rights to screen their home games, and cries when Eamon Dummy tells him ‘RC doesn’t stand for Rugby Club, baby.’
- The FAI decide the zombies are doing fine, and give the CEO’s salary to clubs as extra prize money. When the CEO’s expense account is added, clubs invest the money wisely: 11 copy Bray RC and install gold-plated taps. Bray RC upgrade to platinum.
November
- FIFA President Danny Invincible adjudicates on Galway United’s ‘poetry doping’ scandal. In his one-sentence ruling, he writes ‘anybody who calls that s***e poetry is a dope.’
- Eminence Grise is struck on the head by a wayward clearance at the FAI cup final. He is unable to use words with more than one syllable and feels devas—desav—destivated – hard done by.
- Controversy rages over the identity of foot.ie posters. A Turing Test proves TOWK is an algorithm created by Dahamsta and Stephen Hawking, who is outed as a Shels fan. ‘Going to Tolka is like time travel to the dark ages. But Dalymount is a black hole. Ha-ha. I hate Bohs,’ he tweets.
December
- Enterprising Monaghan residents win on Dragons’ Den with a plan to sell MonDogs globally, bankrolling United’s re-entry to the League in 2016, in time to replace Portacabinteely FC.
Last edited by Eminence Grise; 21/02/2015 at 7:35 PM.
Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
- E Tattsyrup.
Brilliant again - and thanks for the link to the 2011 one, I'd forgotten just how good it was.
You overlooked the Bray wall: it's back in the news, as the Council have condemned part of the old exterior wall facing the bowling alley - yes, really. The club now have to knock it and build a proper one!
"... yeah, four of you ... left a bit ... a bit more ... back a bit ... that'll do you ..."
Last edited by littlebray; 21/02/2015 at 8:11 PM. Reason: building a wall - that's a keeper!
Genius - I'd missed these!
That Bray wall is the gift that keeps on giving. But I didn't think I could go back to the same well twice - well, not as blatantly!
Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
- E Tattsyrup.
This deserves to be printed in every clubs match day programme for the first game of the season!
Absolutely superb, and thank you.
Post of the Year stuff in that. Loved the dead council members to attend the AGM and vote for Delaney. If he could, he would!
Stephen Kenny would love to sign the doc - he knows his footie.
Ou-est le Centre George Pompidou?
The tea leaves were a bit cloudy when I predicted Michael Twee's poetic contribution. If only I'd looked closer, I'd have seen that it was Bohs who were going down the poetry route this season! http://www.rte.ie/sport/soccer/irish...-in-residence/
Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
- E Tattsyrup.
"We're Boez, super Boez,we love poetry,we don't care! We love Shakespeare, Yeats and Kavanagh and we'll quote them anywhere"Originally Posted by Eminence Grise
Are you Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz in disguise?
Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
- E Tattsyrup.
Kavanagh can feck right the feck off. I remember having to study his stuff in school and I hated it with a passion.
#NeverStopNotGivingUp
I'm not going to lie, I had to google that one. Then it all came back to me....Are you Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz in disguise?
http://h2g2.com/U207261
Hepped up on Mondogs
Upwards to the vanguard where the pressure is too high.
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