Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**hamish** · 19/07/2005, 4:41 PM

Check out the Little Red Riding Hood cartoon - you'll never look at Bugs Bunny or Tom and Jerry the same way again.

http://www.cartoonbasement.com/

EDIT - it's the first LRRH cartoon - the second LRRH one isn't great.

**hamish** · 21/07/2005, 1:16 AM

Here's really terribe joke..

Edgar and Ferdinand go to the country fair.
Edgar goes up on the big wheel.
Machinery fecks up, Edgar flies off his seat and is splattered on the ground, blood everywhere.
Ferdinand runs over to him "Oh Edgar, are you hurt?"
Edgar -"Of course I'm hurt, I waved to you every time I came circled round and you never once waved back"

Well, it is the terrible jokes thread.

**TheOwl** · 21/07/2005, 2:07 PM

What do you call a chair on your porch that's Irish?

.....Patty O'Furniture

**TheOwl** · 21/07/2005, 2:10 PM

Some producers were making a movie about famous musicians, and they wanted famous actors to play them.

Johnny Depp said "I'll be Beethoven!"

Pierce Brosnan said "I'll be Mozart!"

And Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach!"

**Duffer** · 21/07/2005, 3:24 PM

this ones probably been already said but ...........

a piece of string walks into a bar
the barman: your a piece of string
piece of string: I'm a frayed knot

what sounds like an orange parrot ........

sorry

I really apologise

a carrott!!

**Duffer** · 21/07/2005, 3:24 PM

Originally Posted by TheOwl

Some producers were making a movie about famous musicians, and they wanted famous actors to play them.

Johnny Depp said "I'll be Beethoven!"

Pierce Brosnan said "I'll be Mozart!"

And Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach!"

haha i like that one.

**Fair_play_boy** · 21/07/2005, 8:20 PM

Apologies in advance, but these are truly awful . . .

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a
grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet
down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding

(Boom, Boom)

**Green Tribe** · 21/07/2005, 8:33 PM

Jesus! I thought hamish had the worst jokes.....

**CollegeTillIDie** · 21/07/2005, 10:11 PM

Originally Posted by TheOwl

What's pink and hard???

...Maths Paper II

That's brilliant... move to another thread immediately

**hamish** · 22/07/2005, 5:06 PM

Originally Posted by Fair_play_boy

Apologies in advance, but these are truly awful . . .

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a
grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet
down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding

(Boom, Boom)

LOL

**hamish** · 22/07/2005, 5:07 PM

Originally Posted by kerr's tribe

Jesus! I thought hamish had the worst jokes.....

**hamish** · 22/07/2005, 9:55 PM

A tough, old cowboy counselled his grandson how to have a long life.
He told him to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on to his oatmeal every morning.

Grandson did so religiously and lived to 110.

Grandson left 4 kids, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

**CollegeTillIDie** · 23/07/2005, 3:55 PM

What is the ideal gift for the man or woman that has everything?

scroll down

scroll down a bit more

PENICILLIN!

**Plastic Paddy** · 23/07/2005, 3:59 PM

Originally Posted by CollegeTillIDie

PENICILLIN!

'Twould be feck all use to them if they've got MRSA.

I'll get me coat...

PP

**Plastic Paddy** · 23/07/2005, 4:05 PM

A duck walks into a bar and waddles on up to the counter. "What can I get you Donald?" asks the barman (sure don't you know that all ducks are called Donald? Anyway...)

"Got any bread...?" replies the duck.

"No," replies the barman, "can I get you anything else?"

"Got any bread...?"

"No, I haven't got any bread. This is a pub, not a bakery. What would you like?"

"Got any bread...?"

"NO! What do you want?"

"Got any bread...?"

"NO!!! Ask that again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails...?"

"No."

"Got any bread...?"

Ta-dum-tsch!

PP

**CollegeTillIDie** · 23/07/2005, 4:42 PM

Nurse : Doctor doctor what's that suppository doing behind your ear?

Doctor: Oh not that mean's some arsehole's got my pencil!

I'll get my coat

**KR's Post** · 23/07/2005, 5:03 PM

Joke erased due to being offensive.... Sorry guys

**CollegeTillIDie** · 23/07/2005, 6:09 PM

Originally Posted by Plastic Paddy

'Twould be feck all use to them if they've got MRSA.

I'll get me coat...

PP

Well to be fair the joke predates that outbreak!

**Green Tribe** · 23/07/2005, 8:25 PM

Originally Posted by CollegeTillIDie

Nurse : Doctor doctor what's that suppository doing behind your ear?

Doctor: Oh not that mean's some arsehole's got my pencil!

I'll get my coat

tres bien!

**Plastic Paddy** · 23/07/2005, 8:43 PM

Originally Posted by tarzan1

Arsene wenger takes the whole squad on a trip to central london to visit the bus bombing. He says: Guys take a good look, because thats the only open top bus you'll see this year!!!! SORRY

Did you hear about the new tube ticket prices, they are going through the roof!!! SO SO SORRY

If you're SO SO SORRY, why share these "jokes" with us in the first place?