FIFA Targeted in Shock and Awe Attack
Reuters news agency are reporting that NATO have authorised a “shock and awe” attack on FIFA headquarters in Zurich. This amazing development comes in the midst of accusations of corruption and misappropriation of funds at the highest level of world football’s governing body. It is understood that the UN Security Council are keen to bring about regime change at the organisation which has been ruled with an iron fist by Swiss overlord Sepp Blatter since 1998.
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FIFA Targeted in Shock and Awe Attack
FIFA has been at the centre of major scandal recently with the awarding of the 2018 World Cup to Roman Abramovich’s Russian bid™ and the 2022 World Cup to the oil-rich state of Qatar shrouded in bribery allegations. Speaking from his golden throne in Zurich, Blatter denied all of these as unfounded rumours although it was difficult to hear him over the rattling of jewellery and giggling of high-class escorts. He also defended the surprise move to award the 2020 European Championships to Brunei.
Mr Blatter has not been popular in Ireland since his reaction to Thierry Henry’s handball in 2009. He infamously scoffed at FAI appeals for FIFA intervention saying “yes, they have asked this, can they be the thirty-third nation”. This was clearly a lie as it is virtually impossible for any Irish person to say “thirty-third”.
Reporters have learned that the real purpose of US President Barack Obama’s European visit last week was to canvass David Cameron, Nicolas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel about a joint mission to depose Blatter, one of the world’s most ruthless dictators. However, while the United Kingdom, France and Germany are firmly behind the move, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi remains unconvinced. Speaking at a Milanese Bunga Bunga party, Berlusconi replied “I don’t see what the problem is. At least he’s not gay”. With Osama Bin Laden gone and Colonel Gaddafi in retreat, it is thought the CIA have identified this as the ideal time to launch an aerial and ground assault on FIFA.
Meanwhile, Blatter has launched a scathing attack on the leaders of the western world: “Cameron was just too tight to pay to bring the World Cup to England and Merkel should dress in something more feminine like a miniskirt and some fishnet stockings.” In response to the build-up of NATO ground troops outside of Zurich, the FIFA president asked “Crisis? What is a crisis? They cannot stop me. I’m invincible. We will bathe in the blood of the infidels”. He also defended many of the more controversial recent aspects of football saying that “there is no need for goal-line technology, FAI Vantage Club tickets for the Aviva Stadium are selling well and the Carling Nations Cup has been a complete success”, adding later, “Galway to stay up.”
The Swiss non-footballer is due to be elected unopposed for a fourth term as FIFA president this week, hence the urgency behind NATO’s attack. Blatter’s remarkable record of electoral success matches the achievement of other world leaders Fidel Castro and Robert Mugabe. He has never shied away from conflict and has courted controversy with new proposals to ban children from celebrating goals and to regularise the use of jumpers for goalposts with only FIFA-authorised jumpers being permitted on neighbourhood greens from 2013. Sportswear sponsors have reacted badly to these moves saying “they are a bad example to the kids in our factories”.
The world now awaits the impending war. Former military generals have warned that this could make the Gulf wars look like a pillow fight. General Norman Schwarzkopf was quoted as saying “Iraq was easy. This time they’re taking on the biggest bureaucracy on the planet!” There are unconfirmed reports that Blatter has surrounded himself with a human shield of ballboys while he will certainly be fiercely protected by his personal squad of bodyguards – an elite all-female team dressed in tight shorts and and low-cut shirts. We Play On Fridays will keep you abreast of all further developments.
Taken from We Play On Fridays
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