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In comic book parlance, managers are sheep-skin wearing, centre-halfs beefy, and wingers tricky customers who go on mazy runs. In modern professional football it can seem that garish, quaint cartoon stereotypes have little place; modern wingers are expected to defend as much as they attack and to play it safe rather than rampaging wildly down the flanks. Football is a much more considered, a much more serious, and a much more controlled environment that it’s brightly coloured stuff-of-myth ...

The Half-time Oranges Order Troupe (HOOT) today welcomed Northern Ireland’s newest international footballer, Alex de Bruce. A spokeswoman for the HOOT, Lady Iris Robyerson, said: “Mr de Bruce is a true Ulsterman with roots in the mainland, who has fought to free himself from the chains of serfdom that has bound him to makey-uppy countries for too long. We look forward to receiving him into our bosom, erm, football team. My Gaaawwd, but he’s a fine, fit piece of Ulster manhood.”

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